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True or not so true conflict story-telling

Posted on May 8, 2012 by Cinnie Noble

When we have had a dispute with another person, it is sometimes the case that the facts about what happened become distorted. This depends for instance, on how hurt and offended we feel, our relationship with the other person, our mood that day including extraneous matters that affect us and a host of other influences. Such factors have an impact on the ‘spin’ we convey to others on what transpired such as what we said and what the other person said. How we wished we had responded gets mixed with how we did respond. If we have trouble letting go or mending the situation, our emotional reactions often grow and can embellish or exaggerate our perspective on the situation, the other person and ourselves. We may also tend to play down our own contribution, as we hear ourselves speak our truths and our untruths.

What we do in response to conflict and how we do it are our own personal ways of managing each specific dispute with the specific person. Though our perceptions are our realities, we may be able to step back and gain different viewpoints that open up the possibilities for us and our relationships. Reflecting back in objective ways help to shift our approach. That is, one way of developing conflict mastery is to think carefully about the truths of what occurred and how acknowledging different realities changes our way forward.

Consider a dispute that has already occurred and which you realize you were not totally truthful about it, as you answer this week’s ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions):

  • What happened from your perspective in that dispute? (Describe the details as you recall them – what you said/did and what the other person said/did.)
  • In what ways would the other person’s version differ from yours?
  • What is not exactly true about your description?
  • What is going on for you about that/those things?
  • What are some other truths that you may be reluctant to express?
  • What do you suppose led you to distort the real truths?
  • What feelings are you not expressing about what occurred?
  • What do those feelings reflect about your true self in this conflict situation?
  • What do you wish you had said or done in that situation?
  • What truths do you know now that were not clear when you first started to answer this set of questions?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add to this list?

Posted in Conflict Perceptions, Truth in Conflict | 3 Comments

Regrets After Conflict

Posted on May 1, 2012 by Cinnie Noble

Having regrets about what happened in a conflict feels lousy. Our regrets are often remorse for things we wished we had said or done differently or not at all. Such ruminations generally trigger off a range of reactions in us such as our self-limiting beliefs, self-blame, insecurities and vulnerabilities. Our fears and “if only I had” thinking are other examples of how we handle regrets after our disputes are ostensibly over. Negative feelings that emerge about ourselves and the other person due to remorse add further layers to the initial conflict. The fact is we say and do things when in conflict that do not reflect who and how we want to be in the situation or the relationship. It may even seem as though we step out of ourselves and react in ways that are uncharacteristic of how we usually interact.

There are many consequences of regretting. Agonizing about what we said or did, self-criticizing and worrying are all energy draining. These and the related emotions can cause ongoing internal tension for us and external tension for the other person and those around us. In the end, regretting what we said or did – or didn’t say or do –doesn’t serve us well unless we learn from the experience and figure out how to apply that knowledge the next time.

For this week’s blog, it will help to bring to mind a conflict situation about which you continue to hold regrets:

  • What are your specific regrets about that situation?
  • What is the impact on you of those regrets?
  • What is the impact on the other person and the relationship?
  • What are other downsides of having regrets?
  • In what ways if any, may you be gaining from your regrets?
  • If you were to manage the situation differently, what would you have done or said?
  • What is the nature of your self-criticism or self-limiting beliefs about such situations?
  • What themes are there about your regrets in this situation as compared to other incidents about which you have also held regrets?
  • What options do you have about ways to manage situations that will not result in having regrets?
  • What is the lesson to be learned about regrets?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Post-Conflict, Regrets, Resilience | Leave a comment

Forgetting About “It”

Posted on April 24, 2012 by Cinnie Noble

Intertwined with the notion of resilience and moving past the feelings and thoughts that emerge from our disputes is whether we can actually forget about what occurred. Or, do we store the emotional impact and the impressions we make about the other person and ourselves? It has been suggested in a previous blog that unless we unpack what happened for us in our interpersonal disputes we will carry the luggage around with us. This week the ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) blog is more on this topic.

The starting point is that it is unlikely that we totally forget the interactions that offend us or in which we offend others. Some conflicts unfortunately leave indelible marks that make it difficult to forget about the pain of the interaction. Others of course, do not leave marks as deep. In either case, what we do hold onto in our hearts and minds is significant and the feelings and thoughts that remain commonly show up again in situations with the same person or with others when similar dynamics arise. It is also common that when we agonize about what remains unresolved, we misplace or displace our emotions on bystanders or issues that are not relevant. In any case, it helps us to focus on what we remember as an opportunity to develop our conflict mastery about how to lighten the load about the things we don’t forget.

For answering today’s ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions), please consider an interpersonal dispute which you are not forgetting:

  • What specifically are you not forgetting about that specific dispute?
  • What is particularly significant for you about that thing (those things)?
  • What is the impact on you about not forgetting that/those?
  • What impact do you think this (not forgetting) has on the other person?
  • What are you gaining from not forgetting? Losing?
  • If you think or feel it’s not necessary to forget or you prefer not to or the memory remains for other reasons, what are you holding onto mostly about this matter and for what reason(s)?
  • What would forgetting that thing (those things) be like for you?
  • What impact would forgetting have on the other person?
  • In what ways does the memory you have of this situation reflect something you are not forgetting about a previous situation (or situations) too?
  • What insights do these sets of questions provide?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Post-Conflict, Resilience | 2 Comments

Clarifying What’s Happening in a Conflict

Posted on April 17, 2012 by Cinnie Noble

So often we get wrapped up in an interpersonal conflict and lose track of what’s actually happening to us. We seem to let go of our grasp on the situation. Our emotional responses reflect the chaos and confusion going on in our hearts and minds. At these times, we may tend to misinterpret messages, attribute motives to the other person, lose our focus and lose perspective about what’s going on for us and what warrants clarification.

Before engaging the other person in a discussion to sort things out or before reflecting on the situation and what we are experiencing, it helps to find ways to gain some distance from what occurred and our reactions.

Though this dynamic may occur during and after conflict, the questions today are about clarifying things during conflict when it is evident that the interaction has begun to emerge. Please consider a conflict situation that has not yet erupted (and may have the potential for doing so), when answering the following ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions):

  • What are the signs you have in yourself (emotional, behavioural, physical, cognitive) that things are on the brink of erupting?
  • What are your fears?
  • What is bothering you most?
  • In what ways would it be a good thing if the conflict surfaces?
  • In what ways would it not be so good?
  • What are you saying or doing that is not productive and may not help the situation surface in a constructive way?
  • What is most unclear about this conflict for you?
  • What else are you unclear about, regarding his/her actions or perspective?
  • What doesn’t the other person seem to know or understand about you in this situation?
  • What are your choices about how to clarify things?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Choice in Conflict, Fears | Leave a comment

Reconciling Differences

Posted on April 10, 2012 by Cinnie Noble

Even when an interpersonal dispute appears to be resolved, there are times that some of us continue to feel unresolved in our hearts and mind. Why is that? There are lots of reasons this phenomenon occurs. These include lingering feelings of hurt, anger and other remaining negative emotions. Or, it could be the realization that we regret our unspoken words and sentiments. Or, we regret saying things we know we cannot take back now. A tendency to accommodate the other person’s needs more than our own and an inclination to yield to avoid further dissension may be other reasons for feelings and thoughts that linger. These are just some reasons that preclude us from reconciling differences.

To truly reconcile differences when we are involved in an interpersonal dispute extends beyond the issues in dispute and the appearance of reconciliation.  At these times, it helps to consider what is important to us that we have not yet expressed. It is also helpful to acknowledge what remains unresolved in our hearts before proceeding as though things are really settled. This is easier said than done of course and is particularly the case when we perceive there are irreconcilable differences, and when we are anxious to feel better and reconnected with the other person.

This week’s blog asks you to look back at an interpersonal dispute that was settled – for all intents and purposes – but something is not reconciled for you.

  • What remains unresolved for you about that dispute?
  • What reasons may explain this?
  • What is the impact on you that the differences between you and the other person are not reconciled?
  • What may be unresolved for the other person in the dispute between you?
  • What reasons could there be for that?
  • What do you think the impact is on the other person?
  • What could the other person have said or done differently that may have led to a better outcome for you?
  • How would that have reconciled things for you?
  • What could you have done or said differently that may have reconciled your differences in a more satisfactory way?
  • What may you do now to reconcile the differences, if you want to?

Please feel free to add other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) to those above.

Posted in Post-Conflict, Resilience | 3 Comments