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The Conflict Groan

Posted on June 5, 2012 by Cinnie Noble

Lots of things happen during the course of a dispute that may raise an internal groan in us. It may be because we say something we immediately regret; we hear a truth we hate to face; we observe a look or attitude that is off-putting; we hear the other person’s perspective that is antithetical to our intent or that is hurtful, offensive and so on.

Whether we groan internally or externally it is helpful to listen to the sound of our groans and consider from where they are coming and why. Though it is often the case that the reasons we react are due to the perception that the other person is undermining or threatening or challenging us, it may be that groans are emotional reactions to the fact that we are in a conflict that unsettles us and we are experiencing a range of uncomfortable feelings as a result. Our groans may become so loud in our heads and hearts that the noise interferes with our ability to hear what the other person is saying and meaning. We may begin to build a huge case against him or her and look for things to justify and support our views.

For this week’s blog, consider a dispute in which you have experienced an internal groan to answer these questions:

  • How did you experience an internal groan in that situation?
  • What did it sound like?
  • What brought it on?
  • What particularly is it about the other person’s specific action (those words, attitude, etc.) that has the ‘groan’ impact on you?
  • How did the groan response change the interaction for you?
  • How did it change your impressions about the other person?
  • How did it affect you?
  • What sorts of things could you say or do to shift your thinking and feeling about what created the groan in you to be able to move ahead?
  • Which of those things resonate most as real possibilities to try?
  • What sound will you replace the groan to reflect your efforts to move ahead in less ‘groanful’ ways?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Perceptions, Reactions | Leave a comment

Simmering signs

Posted on May 29, 2012 by Cinnie Noble

Over the years of interacting as a child in our families of origin and schools and then as an adult in our work and relationships, we develop views about the sorts of things that are acceptable and unacceptable actions, words, attitudes, styles of communicating and so on. Most of us aim to demonstrate the behaviours we consider appropriate and expect the same of others. However, there are times our own actions do not align with our values and our expectations of others. In any case, when we observe or perceive that others are interacting in ways that do not fit within our values or beliefs about what is and is not suitable conduct, many of us tend to make judgments about them. Such judgments may take the form of attributions and biases that we apply though they are not accurate and emanate more from our emotional reactions than actual facts.

Simmering signs of discord are detected as soon as we sense internal upset. However, the reasons are not always easily identifiable at a cognitive level. It is a time to see how to strengthen our instincts by questioning our emotional reactions and discover what is simmering and why.

This week’s blog invites you to answer the following questions by considering a situation in which you are experiencing a simmering signal that you want to explore further:

  • What specifically created an inner reaction in you?
  • What three words best describe the impact?
  • When the sense of discord began to simmer for you, in what other ways did you experience that?
  • What is keeping the situation simmering?
  • What is keeping it from not boiling?
  • What do you know doesn’t work for you when things are simmering?
  • What sorts of things may you do that are different from what you usually do when matters are simmering?
  • Which of these possibilities resonate most for you to try?
  • Starting with one of these (if there is more than one) what will you do to make that happen? Specifically, what will that look like, be like and feel like?
  • Which other one(s) may also work and what may it/they look like, be like and feel like?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Emotions in Conflict, Positive Conflict | Leave a comment

Your conflict shadow

Posted on May 22, 2012 by Cinnie Noble

It is common when we are in conflict that different parts of us emerge. Some are familiar to us and some parts we do not recognize. Some parts reflect what we think is appropriate for the situation. Some are the inner voices that question our actions and challenge our intentions. Some are our dark sides we try to suppress. These and other possible parts of us form the many layers that are within us as we find ourselves confused and conflicted about a dispute and its dynamic that are adversely affecting us.

Conflict shadows may be seen as the dark part of us that follows behind and sometimes ahead depending on where the light is shining. There are times the shadow looms larger than we are. Sometimes it’s smaller. Shadows are distorted views visually but not necessarily psychically. The shadow may be seen as our companion – supporting us in our journey – ever present.

Considering your shadow in a current dispute, how would you answer these ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions):

  • How would you describe the part of you that is emerging in the shadow in that dispute?
  • What is motivating its appearance?
  • What is comforting for you about the shadow being like this?
  • What is not comforting about it?
  • What part of the shadow relates to an old script that you would like to get rid of?
  • How would you like to change the shadow?
  • What would the changes mean for you in this dispute?
  • How may the changes have an impact on the outcome?
  • How may the changes have an impact on your relationship with the other person?
  • How may your shadow help you in the future?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Facing Conflict | Leave a comment

ADRHub Virtual Book Club – Conflict Management Coaching: The CINERGY Model

Posted on May 17, 2012 by Cinnie Noble

I am very excited to tell you that Jeff Thompson  one of the co- creators of ADRHub.com Werner Institute –  has kindly invited me to co-lead a virtual book club on my book:  Conflict Management Coaching: The CINERGY™ Model.  Below is the announcement recently posted on the ADRHub. It includes a link about where to purchase the book and there is a link to the ADR Book Club.

The ‘meetings’ will take the form of on-line discussions over the month of June. My co-moderator for the book club is Tammy Lenski who is a dear colleague and incredible contributor to the ADR field. One or both of us will pose some questions and moderate the discussion beginning June 3.

I really hope you will join ADRHub if you haven’t already (free) and participate in the discussions about my book during the month of June.  If you have a chance to read the Introduction and Chapter 1 for the first week, please do. Each week we’ll focus on 2 chapters, but if you have other comments you wish to make or questions you want to ask about the book and its concepts outside the two chapters of the week, please feel free to post those.  Or if you prefer to ‘listen’ in, that will be fine too.

By the way, the book will be in digital format shortly. If you wish notice of when that occurs, please contact me directly at info@nullcinergycoaching.com and just put the words – Digital format – in the Subject line.

If you have any questions feel free to contact me.

Oh, I am sorry you will have to bring your own refreshments to the meetings!

Warm regards, Cinnie

ANNOUNCEMENT:

We are happy to announce the popular ADRHub book club will be back June 1st.  This time the book will be Conflict Management Coaching: The CINERGY™ Model. The author Cinnie Noble will be the co-moderator, providing members with the unique opportunity to not only engage other professionals but also the author!

An added benefit to purchasing her book through Amazon.com and being part of the club is that Cinnie donates a portion of the proceeds to Mediators Beyond Borders.

About the book: Conflict Management Coaching: The CINERGY™ Model is a comprehensive and dynamic book about coaching people on a one-on-one basis to improve their skills for managing and engaging in their interpersonal disputes. The text not only describes the research-based coaching model that uniquely combines conflict management, coaching and neuroscience principles. It also shares many forms and ideas that support a coaching practice.

Conflict Management Coaching is aimed at coaches, mediators and other conflict management practitioners, HR professionals, leaders, lawyers, psychologists, social workers and others who work with people in conflict.

Read more about the book and where to purchase it here.

Visit ADR Book Club.

Posted in Conflict Management Coaching | Leave a comment

Thinking about whether to raise the issue

Posted on May 15, 2012 by Cinnie Noble

Not all of us know when, whether or how to be proactive and raise a conflictual issue with a person with whom we have an inner conflict. It’s a tough call at times and it takes some self-reflection to consider the pros and cons of doing so. There may in fact be occasions when we determine that it isn’t appropriate to raise a matter. On the other hand, if we are reluctant because we tend to avoid conflict it is important to consider that and what our objectives are for the situation, the relationship and ourselves. It could be that there will be a detrimental outcome by not facing ourselves and the other person. Under these circumstances it often happens that the inner conflict will continue to bother us and effect the relationship.

Weighing the risks and opportunities of our choices about whether to raise a conflict issue helps to enlighten our motivation and the outcomes we want. To answer the questions about this week’s blog, please consider a matter that you are not sure about raising:

  • What is your ambivalence about raising the issue?
  • What does your ambivalence say about what is important to you about the issues? About the relationship?
  • What fears may you have?
  • What else are you experiencing about this situation?
  • How important is the relationship on a scale of 1-5, 5 being ‘extremely important’? How important are the issues in dispute on the same scale?
  • If you don’t raise the issues, what then?
  • What is the best outcome if you do?
  • In what ways do the opportunities outweigh the risks of raising the issue – or vice versa?
  • What best outcome for you may be the best outcome for the other person too?
  • How do your answers to the above questions have an impact on how you are going to proceed?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add?

Posted in Facing Conflict, Fears | 4 Comments