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Conflict Jitters

Posted on June 19, 2012 by Cinnie Noble

When we expect that an interaction is likely to be contentious, the chances are that many of us get the jitters.  We worry about what the other person may say or do, how we will cope, whether things will get out of hand and other possible reactions. Often the reasons for these jitters do not have a basis in reality. However, previous experiences, others’ narratives about what has happened to them in like circumstances and a wide range of fears may preoccupy us and lead us to feel unsettled, worried and anxious. Obviously, such jitter-causing stimuli get in the way of effectively engaging in conflict. It may be why some people avoid interactions that have the potential for being discordant.

To alleviate the jitters it helps to step back as much as possible before engaging in an interaction about which we feel jittery. The following questions help to facilitate reflections on situations such as this. Considering a situation that is giving you the jitters will provide some perspective as you answer them:

  • About what specifically are you experiencing the jitters?
  • How do you describe what you are feeling when you have the jitters?
  • What reasons do you get the jitters?
  • What fears to you have about this particular situation and/or the other person and/or about yourself?
  • How realistic are the fears, rating each on a scale of 1 to 5, 5 being absolutely realistic and 1 being not realistic at all?
  • What feelings would you like to have to replace the jitters?
  • How are the jitters helping you manage the situation effectively? How are the jitters not helping you?
  • How else may you look at this situation to help reduce the jitters?
  • What else may work to reduce the jitters?
  • When you are in a place that the jitters won’t interfere with how you proceed, what will be especially different?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Emotions in Conflict, Fears, Seeing Ourselves | Leave a comment

Picking Fights

Posted on June 12, 2012 by Cinnie Noble

Sometimes we get into a cranky mood for no apparent reason.  Other times we get there because we have onerous things on our minds or we feel hurt by someone’s actions or words. Other times, obligations cause us stress and weigh us down. These and other types of happenings that occur in our daily lives will contribute to a state of mind and heart that can negatively affect us and those around us. In these sorts of moods, we may be more apt to pick fights or be more vulnerable and sensitive to others’ comments and actions. We may judge and find fault more easily than usual and take out our emotions about other things on the person who becomes the target of our disposition. We displace what we are experiencing. We misplace our feelings.

There is something deliberate about ‘picking’ our fights and this resonates with the notion of choice. We are able to choose not to fight, which is always an important message to tell ourselves.

This blog is about questions that help to examine what’s happening for us when we find ourselves picking fights. Consider a situation in which you experience(d) the weight of life’s events that is having an impact on you and that have an impact on unrelated things going on to answer these questions:

  • What is going on for you when you think about the person who is irritating you right now? (That is, what are you thinking and feeling?)
  • How would you describe the mood you are experiencing about what is occurring?
  • In what ways is the situation, dynamic and/or person similar to other situations you have experienced?
  • How is it different?
  • What reasons do you feel the necessity to confront the other person who is currently provoking you, if you do?
  • If not considering it a necessity to confront the person, what is motivating your feelings most right now? What are those feelings?
  • What else are you feeling disharmony about at this time?
  • What may you be displacing that has more to do with that person or situation than this one?
  • What outcome do you want about what’s happening?
  • Since you have a choice about whether to pick a fight, what other choices do you have?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Blame, Choice in Conflict | 8 Comments

The Conflict Groan

Posted on June 5, 2012 by Cinnie Noble

Lots of things happen during the course of a dispute that may raise an internal groan in us. It may be because we say something we immediately regret; we hear a truth we hate to face; we observe a look or attitude that is off-putting; we hear the other person’s perspective that is antithetical to our intent or that is hurtful, offensive and so on.

Whether we groan internally or externally it is helpful to listen to the sound of our groans and consider from where they are coming and why. Though it is often the case that the reasons we react are due to the perception that the other person is undermining or threatening or challenging us, it may be that groans are emotional reactions to the fact that we are in a conflict that unsettles us and we are experiencing a range of uncomfortable feelings as a result. Our groans may become so loud in our heads and hearts that the noise interferes with our ability to hear what the other person is saying and meaning. We may begin to build a huge case against him or her and look for things to justify and support our views.

For this week’s blog, consider a dispute in which you have experienced an internal groan to answer these questions:

  • How did you experience an internal groan in that situation?
  • What did it sound like?
  • What brought it on?
  • What particularly is it about the other person’s specific action (those words, attitude, etc.) that has the ‘groan’ impact on you?
  • How did the groan response change the interaction for you?
  • How did it change your impressions about the other person?
  • How did it affect you?
  • What sorts of things could you say or do to shift your thinking and feeling about what created the groan in you to be able to move ahead?
  • Which of those things resonate most as real possibilities to try?
  • What sound will you replace the groan to reflect your efforts to move ahead in less ‘groanful’ ways?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Perceptions, Reactions | Leave a comment

Simmering signs

Posted on May 29, 2012 by Cinnie Noble

Over the years of interacting as a child in our families of origin and schools and then as an adult in our work and relationships, we develop views about the sorts of things that are acceptable and unacceptable actions, words, attitudes, styles of communicating and so on. Most of us aim to demonstrate the behaviours we consider appropriate and expect the same of others. However, there are times our own actions do not align with our values and our expectations of others. In any case, when we observe or perceive that others are interacting in ways that do not fit within our values or beliefs about what is and is not suitable conduct, many of us tend to make judgments about them. Such judgments may take the form of attributions and biases that we apply though they are not accurate and emanate more from our emotional reactions than actual facts.

Simmering signs of discord are detected as soon as we sense internal upset. However, the reasons are not always easily identifiable at a cognitive level. It is a time to see how to strengthen our instincts by questioning our emotional reactions and discover what is simmering and why.

This week’s blog invites you to answer the following questions by considering a situation in which you are experiencing a simmering signal that you want to explore further:

  • What specifically created an inner reaction in you?
  • What three words best describe the impact?
  • When the sense of discord began to simmer for you, in what other ways did you experience that?
  • What is keeping the situation simmering?
  • What is keeping it from not boiling?
  • What do you know doesn’t work for you when things are simmering?
  • What sorts of things may you do that are different from what you usually do when matters are simmering?
  • Which of these possibilities resonate most for you to try?
  • Starting with one of these (if there is more than one) what will you do to make that happen? Specifically, what will that look like, be like and feel like?
  • Which other one(s) may also work and what may it/they look like, be like and feel like?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Emotions in Conflict, Positive Conflict | Leave a comment

Your conflict shadow

Posted on May 22, 2012 by Cinnie Noble

It is common when we are in conflict that different parts of us emerge. Some are familiar to us and some parts we do not recognize. Some parts reflect what we think is appropriate for the situation. Some are the inner voices that question our actions and challenge our intentions. Some are our dark sides we try to suppress. These and other possible parts of us form the many layers that are within us as we find ourselves confused and conflicted about a dispute and its dynamic that are adversely affecting us.

Conflict shadows may be seen as the dark part of us that follows behind and sometimes ahead depending on where the light is shining. There are times the shadow looms larger than we are. Sometimes it’s smaller. Shadows are distorted views visually but not necessarily psychically. The shadow may be seen as our companion – supporting us in our journey – ever present.

Considering your shadow in a current dispute, how would you answer these ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions):

  • How would you describe the part of you that is emerging in the shadow in that dispute?
  • What is motivating its appearance?
  • What is comforting for you about the shadow being like this?
  • What is not comforting about it?
  • What part of the shadow relates to an old script that you would like to get rid of?
  • How would you like to change the shadow?
  • What would the changes mean for you in this dispute?
  • How may the changes have an impact on the outcome?
  • How may the changes have an impact on your relationship with the other person?
  • How may your shadow help you in the future?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Facing Conflict | Leave a comment