THE THREE STEP TEST: Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary?
The crux of this three-step test is that it provides a simple way to filter our words before speaking – when we are upset especially – to ensure what we are sharing is helpful and not hurtful. In fact, a colleague adds to the list: Is it helpful? making it a four-step test! In either case, the idea is that if a statement we are about to make – one that might hurt, offend, insult, or upset another person – does not meet all three (or four) criteria, it is likely best left unsaid.
I read somewhere along the way that this way of filtering ourselves before we speak has been attributed to the practice of “right speech” in Buddhism, and questions such as these – that invite us to screen what’s on our mind when in anger – provide a guideline for more successful communications. It is a simple and straightforward guideline that requires us to stop and think before reacting and saying things we cannot take back, as often happens when we are in our interpersonal conflict.
Keeping future focussed in this week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog please consider a conversation for which you want to be prepared to get your possible contentious point(s) across while not offending the other person (if that’s the intention). This will provide the opportunity to process your messages using the lens discussed here.
- What is the situation about?
- What is it that specifically upsets you most about what they said or did – or didn’t say or do?
- Without screening your thoughts here, what’s really on your mind that you would really like to say – though you know it would not be productive?
- Stepping back now, about that statement (the previous question) was true? What wasn’t true?
- What was kind ? What wasn’t kind?
- What about the statement you made was necessary for you to convey? What part or parts were unnecessary?
- What about that statement would be considered helpful by the other person?
- What wouldn’t have been helpful?
- If you were to reword what you want to convey- what might that sound like in a way that passes the three step test?
- What might you add that would meet the fourth step?
- What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
- What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?
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