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Self-Care When In Conflict

Posted on April 3, 2012 by Cinnie Noble

When we are in conflict with another person we often lose our internal balance. This may occur whether or not we externalize our feelings and thoughts. Internal impact may be apparent when self-limiting beliefs kick in, or we worry and agonize at great length about what is happening. Negative emotions may take over – about the other person and ourselves. We may tend to blow things out of proportion. Tears may come easily or sit on the edge of our eyes. We may lose sleep, feel tense, criticize ourselves and feel at a loss to understand what’s happening to us.

Taking care of ourselves in these moments when our equilibrium is off kilter is so important. However, these are times when it’s likely that we do not have the wherewithal to consider what will help us feel better. By not figuring out how to care for ourselves at these times, we can perpetuate a cycle of self-blame or fault-finding or both. None of these reactions of course, helps us understand the dynamic, or to move on and learn from the interaction.

This week’s blog asks ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) that are meant to encourage self-care when in conflict. Consider a situation in which increased self-care may have helped you cope better:

  • What do the words ‘self-care’ mean to you?
  • How do you usually take care of yourself? How were you not using self-care in the situation you have in mind (i.e. what were you doing that was not caring for yourself at that time)?
  • How may you take care of yourself about the situation you have in mind?
  • What do you want to feel about the situation and the other person that is something to aim for?
  • What do you want to feel about yourself?
  • What limiting beliefs are getting in your way?
  • What beliefs can you replace those with that will serve you better?
  • What are three things you hope or wish for yourself as you think about managing this conflict situation effectively?
  • What do those hopes or wishes say about what is important to you and could help you in your self-care?

Please feel free to suggest other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions).

Posted in Self-Care | Leave a comment

Reconnecting when in Dispute

Posted on March 27, 2012 by Cinnie Noble

We often talk about the relationship breaking down when we are in a dispute and in fact, we do disconnect in many ways from the other person. We often lose connection with our own feelings and thoughts, too. It’s difficult to imagine that things can be mended when this happens and some of us experience mournful feelings – grieving that the relationship may be irreparable. It’s an uncomfortable and stressful place to be and we generally feel off balance and out of choice. These sorts of emotions and thoughts are often why some people avoid conflict. We fear that raising issues will have the potential for breaking the relationship.

Figuring out how to connect with the other person while we are in an interpersonal dispute may however, pre-empt the sense or reality that things are breaking down. That essentially means, trying to address what’s going on when the schism actually begins to form. At these times, it helps to consider how to make a link that reconnects us in some way and that reconnects us to ourselves too. Or, perhaps it really starts with the reconnection to ourselves.

Please consider how the questions in today’s blog may facilitate the possibility of reconnecting to ourselves and the other person, by considering a dispute where you still feel disconnected from the other person:

  • How may you describe the disconnect between you and the other person?
  • How may you describe the disconnect within you?
  • What does that feel like for you? What do you observe that the disconnection is like for the other person?
  • How badly do you want to be reconnected on a scale of 1-5, 5 being very much?
  • About what may the two of you still be connected?
  • What will connection look like when you achieve it?
  • What do you need right now to reconnect?
  • How do you want to feel about the other person when this occurs? How do you want him or her to feel about you?
  • How do you want to feel within you and about yourself?
  • How may you salvage these connections in the future when you begin to disconnect from yourself and the other person?

Please feel free to suggest other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions).

Posted in Avoiding, Emotions in Conflict, Fears, Perceptions | Leave a comment

The Plantinum Moment of Choice in Conflict

Posted on March 20, 2012 by Cinnie Noble

Many of us experience inner reactions to another person’s words, actions, attitude or behaviours, but do not let him or her know. Fear of retaliation, encountering some other sort of combative response, becoming more upset and other perceived consequences often keep us from raising our concerns and pre-empting unnecessary friction. And suppressing our feelings does not help as inevitably they erupt somewhere along the road, and may even result in situations that can be even more unsettling. Our physical and emotional health can suffer too.

In most conflict situations, we have a choice as to when and how we respond (as opposed to react) that will short-circuit an unnecessary dispute and contribute to a healthy interaction about what’s happening. These are platinum moments of choice. This week’s blog is about determining that moment when we could choose an effective way to respond before hurt and other negative feelings escalate. It is about proactively managing ourselves and our expected reaction, rather than thinking the situation will improve on its own or just go away!

Please consider a situation that escalated into a dispute that you may have been able to short-circuit early on:

  • What was your first indication that something was irritating you? That is, how did you experience the interaction emotionally, cognitively and/or in your body?
  • What was it and what (words, attitude, actions, etc.) particularly provoked you?
  • What do you suppose the other person’s intent was (based on your interpretation rather than what you know with certainty)?
  • How did you react?
  • What could you have said or done differently, now that you reflect back?
  • At what point could you have chosen to respond differently?
  • What got in your way?
  • What may you have achieved by proceeding that way?
  • What challenges are there in seeing or feeling you have choices in those moments when you are provoked?
  • What are you thinking now about ways to identify platinum moments of choice?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add?

Posted in Choice in Conflict, Facing Conflict, Reactions | 2 Comments

Making Others Wrong

Posted on March 13, 2012 by Cinnie Noble

One of the things that sometimes happens when we are embroiled in an interpersonal conflict is that we perceive the differences between us as a matter of right and wrong. That is, that we are right and the other person is wrong! That perspective may be the other person’s too, of course. In many cases, such attributions do not apply and mostly, they don’t serve us well. Yet, when there is a need to find fault, it seems many of us think in positional terms of black versus white and hold strongly to those oppositional views.

Insisting on being right and making others wrong is one way of managing conflict. However, since the reality is this approach doesn’t advance resolution, reconcile the relationship, clear the air or achieve positive outcomes, there are other ways to proceed if we want to. This week’s blog will include self-reflective questions for those who want an outcome that helps to make amends and is based more on thinking about the grey in between the starkness of black and white positions. As always, your additional ideas for ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) will be welcomed.

Please consider a dispute in which you and another person have disagreed or are currently disagreeing, when answering these questions:

  • What makes the other person’s viewpoint ‘wrong’?
  • What is ‘right’ about it?
  • What makes your viewpoint ‘wrong’ for him or her?
  • What is ‘right’ about your perspective that he or she doesn’t seem to understand?
  • What seems to be keeping him or her from understanding your perspective?
  • What if anything may you both agree on?
  • What is the main thing (do you think) that is keeping you two from accepting each other’s point of view (and even agreeing to disagree)?
  • What do you think it would take for him or her to acknowledge the way(s) you are ‘right’?
  • What do you think it would take for you to acknowledge the way(s) he or she is ‘right’?
  • What approach may you take that is neither black nor white but a shade of grey, to help you make amends?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add?

Posted in Choice in Conflict, Perceptions | 2 Comments

Blaming is Not a Constructive Coping Technique

Posted on March 6, 2012 by Cinnie Noble

When we are in conflict, it is common for many of us to blame the other person for what happened in the dynamic. It may well be that the other person has done or said something to offend us, and we have done nothing we can think of to warrant his or her words or action. Or, we may have done something to which he or she is reacting and we choose a defensive or blaming response to counteract his or her accusations. Or, some combination of these and other circumstances may have occurred that result in blame as one of the coping mechanisms for ourselves or the other person.

At these times when we choose to blame, we actually have a moment of choice about how to proceed. Do we react or respond or leave it alone? Do we blame? Do we ask to have a conversation? Here are some more questions to ask yourself based on a conflict situation you are having or had where blaming is happening or has happened between you and the other person:

  • For what are you blaming the other person?
  • What makes his or her actions (words) offensive for you?
  • What choices do/did you have rather than blaming him or her (if you are)?
  • What response or responses that you could choose may serve you best of these various choices? Why that choice/those choices?
  • If you let go of blame, what may you replace it with that will be more constructive?
  • How may you have contributed to the dissension for which he or she is blaming you?
  • If you think you did not contribute, to what may the other person be reacting to about you, the issues and/or the situation?
  • How does blame help you as a coping mechanism?
  • What makes it challenging for you (if it does) to change any tendency to blame?

Any other comments about this topic and/or what other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may be helpful here?

Posted in Blame, Choice in Conflict | Leave a comment