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Clarifying What’s Happening in a Conflict

Posted on April 17, 2012 by Cinnie Noble

So often we get wrapped up in an interpersonal conflict and lose track of what’s actually happening to us. We seem to let go of our grasp on the situation. Our emotional responses reflect the chaos and confusion going on in our hearts and minds. At these times, we may tend to misinterpret messages, attribute motives to the other person, lose our focus and lose perspective about what’s going on for us and what warrants clarification.

Before engaging the other person in a discussion to sort things out or before reflecting on the situation and what we are experiencing, it helps to find ways to gain some distance from what occurred and our reactions.

Though this dynamic may occur during and after conflict, the questions today are about clarifying things during conflict when it is evident that the interaction has begun to emerge. Please consider a conflict situation that has not yet erupted (and may have the potential for doing so), when answering the following ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions):

  • What are the signs you have in yourself (emotional, behavioural, physical, cognitive) that things are on the brink of erupting?
  • What are your fears?
  • What is bothering you most?
  • In what ways would it be a good thing if the conflict surfaces?
  • In what ways would it not be so good?
  • What are you saying or doing that is not productive and may not help the situation surface in a constructive way?
  • What is most unclear about this conflict for you?
  • What else are you unclear about, regarding his/her actions or perspective?
  • What doesn’t the other person seem to know or understand about you in this situation?
  • What are your choices about how to clarify things?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Choice in Conflict, Fears | Leave a comment

Reconciling Differences

Posted on April 10, 2012 by Cinnie Noble

Even when an interpersonal dispute appears to be resolved, there are times that some of us continue to feel unresolved in our hearts and mind. Why is that? There are lots of reasons this phenomenon occurs. These include lingering feelings of hurt, anger and other remaining negative emotions. Or, it could be the realization that we regret our unspoken words and sentiments. Or, we regret saying things we know we cannot take back now. A tendency to accommodate the other person’s needs more than our own and an inclination to yield to avoid further dissension may be other reasons for feelings and thoughts that linger. These are just some reasons that preclude us from reconciling differences.

To truly reconcile differences when we are involved in an interpersonal dispute extends beyond the issues in dispute and the appearance of reconciliation.  At these times, it helps to consider what is important to us that we have not yet expressed. It is also helpful to acknowledge what remains unresolved in our hearts before proceeding as though things are really settled. This is easier said than done of course and is particularly the case when we perceive there are irreconcilable differences, and when we are anxious to feel better and reconnected with the other person.

This week’s blog asks you to look back at an interpersonal dispute that was settled – for all intents and purposes – but something is not reconciled for you.

  • What remains unresolved for you about that dispute?
  • What reasons may explain this?
  • What is the impact on you that the differences between you and the other person are not reconciled?
  • What may be unresolved for the other person in the dispute between you?
  • What reasons could there be for that?
  • What do you think the impact is on the other person?
  • What could the other person have said or done differently that may have led to a better outcome for you?
  • How would that have reconciled things for you?
  • What could you have done or said differently that may have reconciled your differences in a more satisfactory way?
  • What may you do now to reconcile the differences, if you want to?

Please feel free to add other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) to those above.

Posted in Post-Conflict, Resilience | 3 Comments

Self-Care When In Conflict

Posted on April 3, 2012 by Cinnie Noble

When we are in conflict with another person we often lose our internal balance. This may occur whether or not we externalize our feelings and thoughts. Internal impact may be apparent when self-limiting beliefs kick in, or we worry and agonize at great length about what is happening. Negative emotions may take over – about the other person and ourselves. We may tend to blow things out of proportion. Tears may come easily or sit on the edge of our eyes. We may lose sleep, feel tense, criticize ourselves and feel at a loss to understand what’s happening to us.

Taking care of ourselves in these moments when our equilibrium is off kilter is so important. However, these are times when it’s likely that we do not have the wherewithal to consider what will help us feel better. By not figuring out how to care for ourselves at these times, we can perpetuate a cycle of self-blame or fault-finding or both. None of these reactions of course, helps us understand the dynamic, or to move on and learn from the interaction.

This week’s blog asks ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) that are meant to encourage self-care when in conflict. Consider a situation in which increased self-care may have helped you cope better:

  • What do the words ‘self-care’ mean to you?
  • How do you usually take care of yourself? How were you not using self-care in the situation you have in mind (i.e. what were you doing that was not caring for yourself at that time)?
  • How may you take care of yourself about the situation you have in mind?
  • What do you want to feel about the situation and the other person that is something to aim for?
  • What do you want to feel about yourself?
  • What limiting beliefs are getting in your way?
  • What beliefs can you replace those with that will serve you better?
  • What are three things you hope or wish for yourself as you think about managing this conflict situation effectively?
  • What do those hopes or wishes say about what is important to you and could help you in your self-care?

Please feel free to suggest other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions).

Posted in Self-Care | Leave a comment

Reconnecting when in Dispute

Posted on March 27, 2012 by Cinnie Noble

We often talk about the relationship breaking down when we are in a dispute and in fact, we do disconnect in many ways from the other person. We often lose connection with our own feelings and thoughts, too. It’s difficult to imagine that things can be mended when this happens and some of us experience mournful feelings – grieving that the relationship may be irreparable. It’s an uncomfortable and stressful place to be and we generally feel off balance and out of choice. These sorts of emotions and thoughts are often why some people avoid conflict. We fear that raising issues will have the potential for breaking the relationship.

Figuring out how to connect with the other person while we are in an interpersonal dispute may however, pre-empt the sense or reality that things are breaking down. That essentially means, trying to address what’s going on when the schism actually begins to form. At these times, it helps to consider how to make a link that reconnects us in some way and that reconnects us to ourselves too. Or, perhaps it really starts with the reconnection to ourselves.

Please consider how the questions in today’s blog may facilitate the possibility of reconnecting to ourselves and the other person, by considering a dispute where you still feel disconnected from the other person:

  • How may you describe the disconnect between you and the other person?
  • How may you describe the disconnect within you?
  • What does that feel like for you? What do you observe that the disconnection is like for the other person?
  • How badly do you want to be reconnected on a scale of 1-5, 5 being very much?
  • About what may the two of you still be connected?
  • What will connection look like when you achieve it?
  • What do you need right now to reconnect?
  • How do you want to feel about the other person when this occurs? How do you want him or her to feel about you?
  • How do you want to feel within you and about yourself?
  • How may you salvage these connections in the future when you begin to disconnect from yourself and the other person?

Please feel free to suggest other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions).

Posted in Avoiding, Emotions in Conflict, Fears, Perceptions | Leave a comment

The Plantinum Moment of Choice in Conflict

Posted on March 20, 2012 by Cinnie Noble

Many of us experience inner reactions to another person’s words, actions, attitude or behaviours, but do not let him or her know. Fear of retaliation, encountering some other sort of combative response, becoming more upset and other perceived consequences often keep us from raising our concerns and pre-empting unnecessary friction. And suppressing our feelings does not help as inevitably they erupt somewhere along the road, and may even result in situations that can be even more unsettling. Our physical and emotional health can suffer too.

In most conflict situations, we have a choice as to when and how we respond (as opposed to react) that will short-circuit an unnecessary dispute and contribute to a healthy interaction about what’s happening. These are platinum moments of choice. This week’s blog is about determining that moment when we could choose an effective way to respond before hurt and other negative feelings escalate. It is about proactively managing ourselves and our expected reaction, rather than thinking the situation will improve on its own or just go away!

Please consider a situation that escalated into a dispute that you may have been able to short-circuit early on:

  • What was your first indication that something was irritating you? That is, how did you experience the interaction emotionally, cognitively and/or in your body?
  • What was it and what (words, attitude, actions, etc.) particularly provoked you?
  • What do you suppose the other person’s intent was (based on your interpretation rather than what you know with certainty)?
  • How did you react?
  • What could you have said or done differently, now that you reflect back?
  • At what point could you have chosen to respond differently?
  • What got in your way?
  • What may you have achieved by proceeding that way?
  • What challenges are there in seeing or feeling you have choices in those moments when you are provoked?
  • What are you thinking now about ways to identify platinum moments of choice?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add?

Posted in Choice in Conflict, Facing Conflict, Reactions | 2 Comments