SAY WHAT YOU MEAN AND MEAN WHAT YOU SAY
This phrase is one I’ve heard or said as long as I can remember! And the words and its meaning reflect the crux and cause of many interpersonal disputes.
There are various ways of processing the meaning of this phrase when you think about it. ‘Say what you mean’, for instance, typically arises in a dispute or can lead to one when we (or the other person) are perceived as being indirect, not clear, holding back, passive-aggressive and other ways of interacting that triggers the other person. And ‘mean what you say’ often comes up when someone is perceived as insincere, phony, dishonest, and other such characteristics.
The phrases said together, as they often are, are doubly loaded with the above perceptions and can initiate or exacerbate a dispute. Being honest seems to be the underlying message and honesty is often difficult at times we are fearful, upset and confused. Also, when we don’t feel safe to tell the truth, we won’t. Fear will keep us from saying what we mean or what we are thinking and that clearly creates a dynamic that is difficult to resolve
Considering this phrase then (‘say what you mean and mean what you say’), and its possible relevance to a situation you are in, the following questions may help to facilitate a deeper dive to uncover the impact of the conflict dynamic and the resolution of this matter:
- If you said this phrase (bolded above) or something similar – or even if what you were thinking – reflected the essence of this statement, what did the other person say or do that led you to say or think this phase?
- What was your perception of what was transpiring between you two at that time?
- What specifically do you think the other person may have wanted to say that they meant?
- What might have kept them from being straightforward?
- How might the other person describe what went on between you?
- If there might have been a time when they used this phrase or something similar about you how might that have come about?
- What were you not being straightforward about – if that was the case?
- What do you suppose the other person’s perception was of you at that time?
- What do you think can be done to make it safe for the other person to be honest with you?
- What do you think you may say or do at these times to help make the conversation more open and honest, if possible (and desired)?
- What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
- What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?
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