“You can forgive some people without welcoming them back into your life. Apology accepted, access denied.” Unknown

This quote really hit me when I saw it. It had me thinking about the range of responses my conflict management coaching clients express on their journeys to reconcile their interpersonal disputes. And I have been there, too. It’s those mixed feelings about wanting to get over the dissension and hard feelings about someone with whom we have had a conflict. It’s about how to get on with life without the negative aftermath that sometimes comes when we wonder about the relationship and whether we really want to continue it because of what was said or done. Or, we ponder what we want to say that hasn’t been expressed and whether to proceed to do so. We may be consumed with these and other thoughts and feelings that leaves us feeling that the conflict remains unfinished and we don’t know whether or how to forgive.

The fact is, there is no rule that says we must forgive. Some things are simply unforgivable. There is no rule either that we must maintain the relationship when what we liked about the person and the relationship now feels devoid of that, when our attachment to the person is fraying or torn apart, when we experienced something about the other person that surprised and hurt us, when our hearts are heavy with hurt, and the weight of it drags us down.

While, in many cases,  we might feel we want to continue the relationship after a disagreement appears to be resolved – especially with long term relationships. I wonder if, in some cases, that’s one of those ‘shoulds’ that sounds like the ‘right’ thing to do but is fraught with problems. Maybe, we need to think twice about whether all relationships need to continue when the hurt is deep, when the challenge to our values is egregious, when we cannot honestly look past the words or actions that affected us so deeply that we continue to ask ourselves the question – do I want to still have this person in my life?

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to consider the following series of questions to take a deeper look at an interpersonal dispute that continues to bother you and you are wondering – “I’ll accept their apology, but I no longer want them in my life.”

• What was the dispute about?
• What did the other person say or do that you are now wondering whether you want to continue the relationship?
• What was it about the person’s statement or action that remains especially hard for you to accept (or understand, tolerate etc.)?
• What was most unforgivable of all things you just expressed in response to the previous question?
• How did you react at the time of the dispute?
• How might you describe your feelings now about what occurred?
• What could the person say or do that you would accept as an apology, if anything?
• If you think that you can accept the apology but no longer want the relationship, how does that feel for you to consider that option?
• What will you gain if  “access is denied” (as per the quote above)?
• What might you think you would lose if  “access is denied”?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?

“Not all storms come to disrupt your life. Some come to clear your path.” Paul Coelho

This is one of my favourite conflict quotes. One of the reasons is that I have found the message to be true in more than one interpersonal conflict I have faced, and in those of my coaching clients trying to find their way through the morass of conflict.

I recall a situation with a friend I trusted and cared about deeply. I felt a kinship that was matched by few others in my life till then. I was grateful for how easy it was to be together, to talk endlessly, to share, to weep, to laugh, to just be. It was therefore a shock for me when this trusted friend blamed me for things I could not grasp or understand as they sounded so unlike who I am (or at least think I am). There was no warning that things were amiss – and then, no explanation that would give me an idea of what it was I did or said that lead to conclusions that made no sense to me.

When I attempted to get some answers I ended up being ‘ghosted’ and somehow I became the brunt of their anger. I did a lot of self-searching and all I seemed to have been able to come up in my state of mind was self-blame. Lack of information and the opportunity to talk things through and better understand what happened precluded the clarity I needed to reconcile what occurred- even if there was no hope of mending things. It took a while for me to face, sadly, that I had misperceived and misjudged this person I called friend and the connection I thought we had. That alone upset me as I am usually fairly perceptive.

In the end, after agonizing over losing someone I thought was a dear friend and feeling betrayed, the path cleared and I faced the fact that I will not always get the answers I need and want, that some people are not what they appear or pretend to be, that self-blame is a waste of time, that it is important to have conversations with those close to me about our respective needs and expectations, that what we need and want may not be compatible with someone else’s. It was a hard path and the lessons learned did not come easily, and the storm ultimately cleared the way.

Now it’s your turn. When you think of an outcome of a dispute with someone close that, in the end, cleared your path consider the following questions in this week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions). I found them helpful in my own experience and hope they may be helpful for you, too:

• What was the storm that happened between you and a person you cared about that ended up in a schism between you?
• How would you describe the path the two of you were on in your relationship before that occurred?
• What did that person say or do that changed- for you – the way you though you two were connected?
• What is most hurtful for you now that you reflect back on this situation?
• How did the storm between you disrupt your life?
• In what sorts of self-blame did you engage?
• If you had the opportunity to speak to the other person again what might you say?
• What might you say or do differently if faced with the same set of facts or similar ones in the future (with someone else)?
• What lessons have you learned that you will carry forward?
• In what ways has the path forward been cleared for you as a consequence of that dispute?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?

(Popular – from the archives)

“Never take sides in a conflict you know nothing about.” (Author unknown)

“Whatever it is. Forgive Yourself. You did your best. Let it go.” Will Bowen

I must admit – when I first read this quote, I thought about a dispute I had with a friend and said to myself –“Yes, I did my best”. But on second thought, as I replayed over and over the conflictual conversation, I agonized a long time about what I should have said differently, about what they said that hurt me, about how a friendship I believed in as solid could have been on such wobbly ground. I engaged in endless pondering about the person’s meanness (not a trait I would have attributed to them before that), what I missed or misjudged about our relationship and the ways I contributed to the dynamic that led to the sad result- the end of the relationship.

It wouldn’t be the first time that I found myself in a situation in which I had trouble reconciling a dispute that occurred between another person and me.  In other cases, too, dear friends supported me and (as I hoped, of course) by doubting the other person’s integrity, compassion, honesty etc. Many would make comments to the effect  “I’m sure you did the best you could do (or knew how) at the time.” I came to believe that was the case and it was comforting to think this way. However, in retrospect I have come to question what my best self could have done differently in situations in which I continue to question what occurred – wondering too, why the other person chose to act as they did, etc.. When I think about the specific situation I mentioned above now, I realize I have forgiven myself. Though, in the end, I didn’t do or say what would have been best for me to truly let it go much earlier. I wonder if this sort of thing has happened to you, too?

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to consider an interaction where there is a dichotomy between forgiving yourself and believing you did your best.

• What was the situation? What did you say or do that you regret?
• If you have forgiven yourself for something you said or did in this conflict that was hurtful or otherwise caused the other person pain, how did you get to that point?
• If you have not forgiven yourself, how come?
• If you could say you have now let go of the conflict now- what did you let go of?
• If you haven’t let go, what are you holding onto?
• What would the best you have done differently, if there was something else you wished you had done or said that reflects the best version of yourself?
• If you have forgiven yourself but not let go, why is that do you think?
• If you have let go but not forgiven yourself, why is that so do you think?
• If you think both forgiving yourself and letting go is important to be able to move on, how might you rectify the part that remains undone?
• If you think both forgiving yourself and letting go is not necessary in this particular dispute or other disputes what is that about for you?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?

(Popular – from the archives)

It is common that I hear conflict management coaching clients lament about things they wished they had said or done differently regarding an interpersonal conflict that happened months and even years before they retain me.

The ongoing agonizing takes many forms. Many continue to replay – over and over in their minds – not only what they said or wish they had said. It is also common that they replay what the other person said or did that offended them. Some wish they had defended their views more effectively. Some wish they had broken ties then rather than trying to maintain a relationship that no longer feels right for them. Many feel the lack of resilience wears on them and their well-being, and use words to describe their feelings like unresolved, unheard, undone.

Clients typically retain me with hopes they can sort out their lingering and even debilitating emotions about the things that remain unreconciled about their interpersonal disputes. Some want coaching to gain confidence to be able to go back to the other person to express the unsaid; some want to make amends; some want to review what happened and consider what to do going forward. Most want to gain a greater sense of resolve – internally and/or externally – in whatever form that takes.

This week’s Conflict Master Quest(ions) blog invites you to consider the following questions about an interpersonal dispute that remains unresolved for you – that you wish you had handled better.

• What was the dispute about?
• About what, specifically, do you continue to agonize?
• What is it about those things (your answer to the above question) that you find especially upsetting?
• What feels MOST unfinished about that dispute other than what you have already  discussed here?
• What do you think the other person didn’t hear that you expressed – something that was important to you that you wished they had understood and/or acknowledged?
• If you were to have a do-over of the dispute, what would you say differently? What would you do differently, if anything?
• What do  you think the other person doesn’t know about you and your ongoing feelings regarding the dispute between you?
• What do you notice or know, if anything, that would indicate the other person is still ruminating about the dispute, too?
• What are the major learning points for you from this dispute that you will keep in mind in another dispute (so you’ll respond/interact differently)? How do you describe the response based on that learning?
• What choices do you have about what to do about the situation now?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?