The CINERGY® Conflict Management Coaching Blog –ConflictMastery® Quest(ions) – is for anyone who finds self-reflective questions helpful for examining and strengthening your conflict intelligence. It is also for coaches, mediators, HR professionals, ombudsmen, leaders, lawyers, psychologists, counsellors and others who also use self-reflective questions as tools for helping your clients in these ways.
“Don’t find fault. Find a remedy.” (Henry Ford)
While Henry Ford’s quote might well apply to making cars and running a business, it also has application to our interpersonal disputes when one of the common things many of us do is find fault with the other person. Or, we find fault in ourselves. Fault-finding in either case is not a good use of our time and energy. Though, yes, we can learn from finding fault in ourselves – with how we handled a situation – if we use that learning to improve our conflict competency. This week’s blog touches on the tendency to blame in either case, and how we might consider finding a remedy instead.
Why do we find fault anyway? The reasons vary of course – depending on the situation and other person and a host of other factors that may be leaning against us when we are faced with a conflict or initiate one. The other person may have let us down about a matter; we may want to take the attention away from our own bad behaviour; we are experiencing hurt, or feeling offended, betrayed, disappointed; our expectations, hopes and needs have been thwarted; a project didn’t work; we have a high opinion of ourselves, and lack respect for the other person or their efforts; and so on. These and many other possible reasons may result in a tendency to go to blame as a way of reacting. This isn’t to say that we overlook situations when someone has (or we have) done something blame worthy. (There are lots of situations that are unforgiveable and finding fault is a necessity.) The point in this blog is to consider – in our interpersonal disputes – whether finding a remedy – rather than fault – is a better use of our time and energy.
I suggest you bring two situations to mind – one in which you found fault with someone else and one in which someone else found fault in you – as you respond to this set of Conflict Mastery Quest(ions).
#interpersonalconflict
#conflict
#coaching
#conflictcoaching
#conflictmanagementcoaching
#conflict management
#disputeresolution
You may have heard the African proverb “Don’t look where you fall, but where you slipped”. In a similar vein, I recently posted a similar sentiment on Instagram (@cinnien) that read “I’ve learned so much from my mistakes. I’m thinking about making a few more.” Both sets of these words are comforting to me – especially at those times I am kicking myself for things I said or did that offended someone, for not doing the ‘right’ thing in a situation, for making numerous errors at all sorts of things, for failing exams or losing a legal case, for not succeeding on a project, and so on. The reality is that unless we purposely make a habit of making mistakes and hurting others, we all slip.
When it comes to interpersonal conflicts, I expect that we have all said or done things or interacted in ways that have caused others hurt and upset. At times, we might be able to justify our own actions and words – being a way we stood up and defended ourselves from others’ poor behaviour towards us. At other times, we know we stepped over a boundary and feel very badly about that. We might ruminate and wonder what to do, and the feelings of unrest, guilt, shame and self-blame remain in our consciousness for long durations.
We can, of course, learn from our mistakes and likely, find more productive ways to engage in conflict when our buttons are pushed. A lot of the time, it seems our brains stay in the negative place and it takes a huge effort to shift our mindset.
This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog asks you to consider how to better manage the aftermath of an interpersonal conflict about which you continue to agonize, and see if you can shift your mindset to see whether it is really a slip and not a fall – perhaps, a mistake from which you have something to learn.
#proverb
#interpersonalconflict
#conflict
#coaching
#conflictcoaching
#conflictmanagementcoaching
#conflict management
#disputeresolution
One of the things I observe about some conflict management coaching clients is a tendency to try to resolve their disputes too quickly. I’ve done this myself and found that such attempts can often backfire. This is even if those of us who reach out too fast have resolution and positive intent motivating us. Other times the reasoning might be a matter of trying to move on so we can feel better and get past the high emotions and adverse impact on the relationship.
Whatever the intent may be for trying to resolve matters in a timely way, it isn’t always the case that the other person is ready. So, the above actions and others aimed at getting past the dissension may be experienced as far-reaching (in a negative way), too aggressive, unthinking and, generally, not the optimal approach.
Previous blogs have discussed the importance of methodical preparation when embarking on a difficult conversation. This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog talks about methodical ways to move on from an interpersonal dispute by considering not only our readiness and intent but also, the other person’s. As in the photo here, one small step at a time is often the more prudent approach rather than trying to reach for something that’s not quite (yet) there.
To answer the questions below I suggest you consider a dispute you have had that ended poorly, and you want to resolve matters as soon as possible.
#interpersonalconflict
#conflict
#coaching
#conflictcoaching
#conflictmanagementcoaching
#conflict management
#disputeresolution
One of the reasons many of us back away from conflict or yield to the other person is because we fear our truth – the truth of what we have to say and are feeling – will hurt the other person. We might fear they will react in a way we will not be able to handle. We may think they will end the relationship or retaliate somehow.
As a consequence of these fears and others, we may tend to sugar-coat our feelings, lie a little, dismiss the importance, make light of the situation and our feelings, change the subject quickly, and a host of other responses. When we hide our feelings and are not being true to ourselves we often end up hurting ourselves. We feel dishonest, inauthentic, sad, dissatisfied, unfulfilled, unresolved and we may fall into self-blame and other destructive feelings that serve no purpose – other than more of these sorts of emotions that tend to keep us immobilized.
Telling the truth is not always the easiest thing to do, of course, when whatever we fear keeps us from doing so. The fears may become even larger because we know our voices will quiver and getting the message out will be difficult – we might think impossible.
This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog asks you to consider a truth you need and want to express though you fear your voice may shake or you won’t communicate as effectively as you want.
#interpersonalconflict
#conflict
#coaching
#conflictcoaching
#conflictmanagementcoaching
#conflict management
#disputeresolution
