It is common that I hear conflict management coaching clients lament about things they wished they had said or done differently regarding an interpersonal conflict that happened months and even years before they retain me.

The ongoing agonizing takes many forms. Many continue to replay – over and over in their minds – not only what they said or wish they had said. It is also common that they replay what the other person said or did that offended them. Some wish they had defended their views more effectively. Some wish they had broken ties then rather than trying to maintain a relationship that no longer feels right for them. Many feel the lack of resilience wears on them and their well-being, and use words to describe their feelings like unresolved, unheard, undone.

Clients typically retain me with hopes they can sort out their lingering and even debilitating emotions about the things that remain unreconciled about their interpersonal disputes. Some want coaching to gain confidence to be able to go back to the other person to express the unsaid; some want to make amends; some want to review what happened and consider what to do going forward. Most want to gain a greater sense of resolve – internally and/or externally – in whatever form that takes.

This week’s Conflict Master Quest(ions) blog invites you to consider the following questions about an interpersonal dispute that remains unresolved for you – that you wish you had handled better.

• What was the dispute about?
• About what, specifically, do you continue to agonize?
• What is it about those things (your answer to the above question) that you find especially upsetting?
• What feels MOST unfinished about that dispute other than what you have already  discussed here?
• What do you think the other person didn’t hear that you expressed – something that was important to you that you wished they had understood and/or acknowledged?
• If you were to have a do-over of the dispute, what would you say differently? What would you do differently, if anything?
• What do  you think the other person doesn’t know about you and your ongoing feelings regarding the dispute between you?
• What do you notice or know, if anything, that would indicate the other person is still ruminating about the dispute, too?
• What are the major learning points for you from this dispute that you will keep in mind in another dispute (so you’ll respond/interact differently)? How do you describe the response based on that learning?
• What choices do you have about what to do about the situation now?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?

Just a few things I wish for: that world peace and climate control are truly possible (and that leaders around the world work together to make it happen), that people are kinder to one another, that leftover fries taste just as good warmed up, that pets live longer – and, well, I could go on. Sounds fanciful, right? One of my other wishes – more pertinent to this Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog – is that we learn, beginning as toddlers, how to interact in healthy ways when there is conflict between us and other people and that we accept that interpersonal disputes are a normal and inevitable part of our lives.

My conflict management coaching practice is full of clients wanting to do conflict better and I know many friends and family members who also report this desire. I, like you I expect, am a life-long learner – trying to be better at many things including how to engage effectively in conflict- with competence and confidence! I acknowledge it’s hard and that being better at conflict – doing it well – requires us to know how and when to stand up, when and how to stand down, how to respond from a place that shows self-awareness, compassion, self-respect, kindness, honesty, dignity,  and a willingness to hear and connect about our differences.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog challenges you to consider how you would like to do better when it comes to engaging in conflict. To do so, I suggest you bring to mind an interpersonal dispute you know you didn’t do very well.

• What is/was the dispute about?
• What did you say or do in that conflict that you realize was not very effective, kind, smart, compassionate, etc.?
• What impact did you observe or hear regarding the other person’s experience of what you said or did?
• Thinking about it now, what specifically would you have said or done differently if you had it to do over again?
• If a close and caring friend observed you in that conflict about what might they be surprised (disappointed) considering how you interacted?
• What makes being more effective in conflict most difficult for you?
• What are 5 things you would like the people with whom you are in conflict say about how you engage in it i.e., what characteristics would you like them to attribute to you?  What would you like to be able to say about yourself and how you engage in conflict that reflects the better version of you?
• In what ways are your answers different in the two previous questions if they are?
• What would it take for you to think more highly of yourself when it comes to how you engage in conflict?
• Looking back on the same dispute you started with here (first question) what are the three learnings you have gained from answering the questions here so far?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?

(Popular – from the archives)

“Do not speak unless you can improve the silence.”  Spanish Proverb

I love this quote when it comes to interpersonal conflict (well, anytime really). However,  considering relational disputes and particularly when we become reactive it is often the case that we cannot resist the urge to speak – to react.  Staying quiet and listening so that we can take stock and try to understand what is motivating the dynamic doesn’t happen easily, if at all, at these times and our emotions get in the way. In fact, when we are in a state of heightened emotions, we really have trouble hearing what is being said!

What takes over is the urge to defend ourselves, to be right and to make the other person wrong. So much is at stake when this happens, and we especially miss the opportunity silence provides us – to find out what is the crux of the dissension. We are not in a state of mind to contemplate important aspects of interpersonal conflict – what is important to the other person, to ourselves and to the relationship.

In short, silence is really our friend, when we become aware that conflict is erupting and even before that when we sense it coming. Silence, for instance, is a friend that will help us settle down and provide a forum in which we can more carefully listen to what is being said. Silence – as our friend – urges us to consider what the other person is saying and feeling, and to listen more closely too, to ourselves and what we are experiencing. This friend also helps us get to a place we can more effectively respond – having  an increased understanding of the conflict dynamic. For instance, once we settle ourselves, we can then consider the assumptions we are making and the root of our upset and that of the other’s.

For this week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog it will help to bring to mind a situation in which you weren’t silent in a dispute so that you can analyze how silence might have been a good friend.

• What was the situation? What three emotions best describe what you were feeling at the time?
• What most specifically occurred such that you found it hard to remain silent?
• How did you react outwardly i.e. what did you say or do? How did you react inwardly?
• What words best describe the impact on the other person?
• How did your reactions improve upon remaining silent do you think – for yourself? For the other person?
• What do you suppose precluded you from staying silent? In what ways  did not staying silent serve you?
• Generally speaking, what do you think gets in the way of remaining silent when we are in dispute with anther person?
• How do those things (that get in the way as per the previous question) impact the outcome positively ? Negatively?
• How might you determine when speaking improves the silence and when it doesn’t?
• What do you suppose might help you remain silent and listen before reacting in these situations (answer to the previous question)?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?

When I think about several of my close relationships that have broken down it seems that one of the main reasons has been due to the loss of trust- demonstrated in all sort of ways. This might be your experience, too. And, if so, you have likely found this to be a very sad realization that a strong connection you have valued deeply is deeply broken. This is whether the interpersonal relationship is with a partner, a friend, a family member, a co-worker, a boss and so on. No matter who it is or in what ways the betrayal is enacted by the other person the hurt is profound and the schism is irreparable.

Though loss of trust might end the relationship altogether, there are situations in which we try our best to rectify things, to look beyond the loss, to make excuses, to try to forgive, to rationalize, to take responsibility and a myriad of other ways we might cope and try to move on. However, for many the loss is too hard to reconcile and even when, for all intents and purposes, we might make amends it is often the case that things are different from it was and remain irreconcilable at some level of our consciousness. We may even continue to reel from the person’s actions that cut us so deeply; we might remain or become increasingly suspicious about the other’s honesty; we may develop grudges that taint our interactions with the person; we may blame ourselves and wonder about our naivety, lack of judgement, awareness; we may mourn the loss indefinitely and so on.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to consider a conflict in which someone broke your trust:

• What was the situation including what the other person said or did that broke the trust between you?
• How would you describe the impact on you at the time?
• How did you handle this situation when you faced that trust was broken?
• How are handling the situation in the present?
• What’s the same about the relationship? What’s different if it is continuing?
• What do you wish you had said to the other person that you didn’t?
• In what ways are you blaming yourself if you are? If you are blaming yourself in these ways (these ways), what do you think you are gaining from doing so?
• What are you doing about the situation and relationship now?
• What might moving forward look like/be i.e., away from the relationship, in the relationship but with some caveats etc.)
• What might help you move forward in the way you would describe?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?

(Popular – from the archives)

“I’m at that stage of my life where I keep myself out of arguments even if you tell me 1+1=5 you’re absolutely correct, enjoy.”

I laughed when I read this quote (author unknown)! One of my conflict management coaching clients said something to this effect that same day, and both reminded me of the saying “pick your battles” – but, even more than that, too. My client’s mood and how I read the tone of this quote were more of the nature of ‘not worth the bother’, ‘makes me tired just thinking about it, ‘who cares, really?’

I decided, based on that conversation and the impact on the client, that this week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog would speak to those sentiments and our reactions when disagreeing (arguing, asserting our views, etc.) just doesn’t feel like the way we want to spend our time and energy. With that in mind, it will help to bring to mind an interpersonal conflict for which these sentiments resonate as you respond to this series of questions:

• What is the conflict about?
• How would you describe your reaction to the conflict dynamic – in the nature of what was described above?
• How might you explain what is specifically motivating that reaction (your answer to the previous question)?
• If there was something the other person might have said or done that would have resulted in a different  reaction – such that you would have engaged with them – what would that have been?
• How would you have likely responded then?
• What are the positive things that have come out of you not engaging in this conflict?
• What hasn’t been as positive?
• What do you know about yourself that is evident by your reaction in the situation you described (first question)?
• What do you know about the types of conflicts – in general – from which you plan to stay away?
• Considering your answers to the questions so far, what do you know about the types of conflicts that are worth engaging in?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?