This phrase is one I’ve heard or said as long as I can remember! And the words and its meaning reflect the crux and cause of many interpersonal disputes.

There are various ways of processing the meaning of this phrase when you think about it. ‘Say what you mean’, for instance, typically arises in a dispute or can lead to one when we (or the other person) are perceived as being indirect, not clear, holding back, passive-aggressive and other ways of interacting that triggers the other person. And ‘mean what you say’ often comes up when someone is perceived as insincere, phony, dishonest, and other such characteristics.

The phrases said together, as they often are, are doubly loaded with the above perceptions and can initiate or exacerbate a dispute. Being honest seems to be the underlying message and honesty is often difficult at times we are fearful, upset and confused. Also, when we don’t feel safe to tell the truth, we won’t. Fear will keep us from saying what we mean or what we are thinking and that clearly creates a dynamic that is difficult to resolve

Considering this phrase then (‘say what you mean and mean what you say’), and its possible relevance to a situation you are in, the following questions may help to facilitate a deeper dive to uncover the impact of the conflict dynamic and the resolution of this matter:

• If you said this phrase (bolded above) or something similar – or even if what you were thinking – reflected the essence of this statement, what did the other person say or do that led you to say or think this phase?
• What was your perception of what was transpiring between you two at that time?
• What specifically do you think the other person may have wanted to say that they meant?
• What might have kept them from being straightforward?
• How might the other person describe what went on between you?
• If there might have been a time when they used this phrase or something similar about you how might that have come about?
• What were you not being straightforward about – if that was the case?
• What do you suppose the other person’s perception was of you at that time?
• What do you think can be done to make it safe for the other person to be honest with you?
• What do you think you may say or do at these times to help make the conversation more open and honest, if possible (and desired)?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?

“If we know what we truly regret, we know what we truly value” Daniel Pink

This quote really resonated for me as a conflict management coach and personally, too. I have found it’s common when my clients and I look back on what we regret about our interpersonal conflicts there are often things we said or did that we wish we hadn’t. What we hear from the other person about our actions or communications that upset them may be the same as or different from what we regretted doing or saying. More to ponder! These sorts of ruminations stay with us though we are well aware we cannot take them back.

Daniel Pink’s quote here raises then, an important perspective – as it relates to our interpersonal conflicts – that is worth exploring what the lingering  angst might be about. Such an exploration urges us to become more observant of the ways we show up in our communications and to  consider whether we are staying aligned with our values and the person we strive to be. And, at the same time, this exploration urges us to remain aware of what may overwhelm us and even stop us from keeping them in mind. This is whether  we initiate a dispute, such as a potentially problematic conversation, and how we choose to respond to others who offend us.

Among other things then, we are beckoned, in our efforts to be true to ourselves, to step back and consider our fundamental values and how they are reflected in the ways we ensure we preserve rather than threaten our relationships.

With this in mind, this week’s  Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to bring to mind a conflict about which you have regrets.

• What happened in that conflict?
• What did you say or do (or not say or do) that you regret?
• If something other than your answer in the previous question triggered a negative reaction in the other person what seemed to set them off?
• What  impact did you observe on the other person?
• At the time, what seemed to motivate your actions or words ( or lack of them) that you now regret ?
• What emotions were you experiencing at the time?
• In that interaction, how was what you said or did (that upset the other person) out of alignment with your values or a specific value?  That is, which  value(s) were out of alignment?
• What might you have said  or done differently that would be more aligned with your own values ?
• What precluded your more preferred  words or actions?
• Which of the other person’s values  might you have undermined or challenged in that interaction? Which of your values might the other person have undermined
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?

(From the archives)

“A person will sometimes devote all his life to the development of one part of his body – the wishbone.” Robert Frost

Often in my conflict management coaching practice clients use the word ‘wish’. It might refer to what they wish they had done or said in an interpersonal dispute – instead of what they did say or do. This may sound like, “I wish we never got into that ridiculous argument”,  “ I wish I hadn’t been so mean” , “ I wish they hadn’t said that “, I wish I knew then what I know now”,  “ I wish I could have a do-over” and other such wishes.

In the heat of the moment – when we are triggered by the other person’s words, attitude, actions, body language and so on it’s often the case that we say things and act in ways that do not serve us well. When the ‘wishbone’ starts to appear it’s usually a sign that we are aware of our own contribution and/or what our expectations were of the other person or both!

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to consider how your wishbone is playing a part in an interpersonal dispute in which you find yourself.

• What is the dispute about that you recalled?
• What do you wish you had said differently?
• What lead you to say what you did? (your answer to the above question)
• What do you wish you had done differently?
• To what were you reacting at this time (relating to the previous question)?
• What are the specific things you wish the other person hadn’t said or done? What do you wish they has said or done?
• What were your expectations regarding how you saw this dispute unfold?
• What might the other person’s expectations have been?
• What is your wish now about this dispute?
• For what do you suppose the other person might be wishing?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?

It is common when we are in conflict, that as our emotions escalate, many of us tend to interrupt more and listen less. We might interrupt for many reasons, including that we want to get heard; we are strongly disagreeing with what the other person is saying; we are getting more and more hurt and angry; we perceive that whatever is being said or done undermines and challenges something important for us. Other reasons may be we find it difficult to hear the truth or the falsehood of what the other person is saying, or we figure we know what the person is about to say and have limited patience or time. Further reasons for interrupting may include a need to be right that is shown by not giving the other person time and space to express their views and be heard, too.  These and other reasons undoubtedly preclude de-escalation of the tempers and negative energy that are rising steadily.

Interrupting is a habit for some people who listen to talk rather than to hear. And the tendency that we may have to interrupt in any case may be accentuated during conflict.

It helps in the quest for conflict mastery to do some reflection on what is happening for you if interrupting is something you are inclined to do or react to. Here are some questions to think about from this week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog.

• How might you define interrupting?
• What are two words you would use to describe the impact on you when people interrupt you?
• What is it about others interrupting you that results in the impact you described?
• Under what circumstances are you likely to interrupt the other person when you are in conflict with them?
• When you interrupt, what impact on the other person do you notice?
• How does interrupting by either of you help the conflict conversation? In what ways does it hinder it?
• When people interrupt you when you are in conflict with them, what are you aware of that you may be doing or saying at those times (that seems to result in them interrupting you)?
• What ways may you respond to the other person, when they interrupt you that may facilitate a more productive conversation?
• What needs to happen for you to refrain from interrupting?
• How may that happen?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

(From the archives)

“Fear is the cheapest room in the house. I would like to see you living in better conditions” (Hafiz)

I smile when I read this quote and think about it when I become fearful about my own relational conflicts (or something else) – when it comes to something I’m afraid of but cannot necessarily articulate. When I can get to a place to examine my fears though, to move away from them, I am more likely to explore what’s really going on for me, what fears are legitimate and what is the story I’m telling myself that may not be grounded in reality.  The hope is I’ll move outside of the cheapest room in the house to one rich with insights, different perspectives, and confidence to move forward.

I have come to refer to this quote when my coaching clients express their fears about engaging in conflict. It may be fear of saying the wrong thing; it maybe fear about damaging the relationship; it may be fear that things will not be reconcilable; it may be fear about whether to tell the truth or about hearing the truth; it may be fear about hurting the other person or being hurt by them. (Note: this blog is not about the fear of being physically hurt).

These and other fears – though unquestionably real feelings – are not necessarily real happenings. Staying with them in the room we make in our hearts and minds can preclude the possibility of reconciliation or at least a better understanding of the conflict dynamic, the other person and ourselves. This means we stay stuck in fear and there is no resolution or at least some way to open the door to a new room.

For this week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog I suggest you bring to mind an interpersonal dispute about which fear is keeping you in a sad and immobilized place and see if these questions open the door to new thinking and being :

• What happened in that dispute?
• About what are you fearful because of that dispute?
• What’s the reality of that fear on a scale of 1-10, 10 being ‘very real’?
• What other words describe your emotional reaction?
• What don’t you know about the interaction that’s contributing to your fears?
• How does what you don’t know add to your fears if it does ( they do)?
• What, in the cheap room of fear, doesn’t feel worth your while to stay there ?
• What do you want to be feeling that is not based on/in fear?
• What do you want to know that will reduce the fears?
• What do you want or need to do or say to move from the cheap room to a place rich with hope, possibilities, and better living conditions?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?