“Fear is the cheapest room in the house. I would like to see you living in better conditions” (Hafiz)

I smile when I read this quote and think about it when I become fearful about my own relational conflicts (or something else) – when it comes to something I’m afraid of but cannot necessarily articulate. When I can get to a place to examine my fears though, to move away from them, I am more likely to explore what’s really going on for me, what fears are legitimate and what is the story I’m telling myself that may not be grounded in reality.  The hope is I’ll move outside of the cheapest room in the house to one rich with insights, different perspectives, and confidence to move forward.

I have come to refer to this quote when my coaching clients express their fears about engaging in conflict. It may be fear of saying the wrong thing; it maybe fear about damaging the relationship; it may be fear that things will not be reconcilable; it may be fear about whether to tell the truth or about hearing the truth; it may be fear about hurting the other person or being hurt by them. (Note: this blog is not about the fear of being physically hurt).

These and other fears – though unquestionably real feelings – are not necessarily real happenings. Staying with them in the room we make in our hearts and minds can preclude the possibility of reconciliation or at least a better understanding of the conflict dynamic, the other person and ourselves. This means we stay stuck in fear and there is no resolution or at least some way to open the door to a new room.

For this week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog I suggest you bring to mind an interpersonal dispute about which fear is keeping you in a sad and immobilized place and see if these questions open the door to new thinking and being :

• What happened in that dispute?
• About what are you fearful because of that dispute?
• What’s the reality of that fear on a scale of 1-10, 10 being ‘very real’?
• What other words describe your emotional reaction?
• What don’t you know about the interaction that’s contributing to your fears?
• How does what you don’t know add to your fears if it does ( they do)?
• What, in the cheap room of fear, doesn’t feel worth your while to stay there ?
• What do you want to be feeling that is not based on/in fear?
• What do you want to know that will reduce the fears?
• What do you want or need to do or say to move from the cheap room to a place rich with hope, possibilities, and better living conditions?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?

“The only thing blame does it to keep the focus off you when you are looking for external reasons to explain your unhappiness or frustration.” Wayne Dyer

It seems we sometimes spend needless time in blame mode when we are disputing with another person.  I don’t really know what compels blame when I hear mediating and coaching clients- or in my own tendency to blame, at times. Are we trying to take attention away from our own wrong-doing, as in this quote? Are we, for some reason, thinking it will make us feel better if we blame the other person – and that they will take responsibility for something (possibly to which we contributed)? Do we need to be the victim by blaming others?

Blaming seems to be impulsive and even instinctive for some. It’s often an instant reaction to being blamed ourselves, to feeling hurt and angry, to not getting what we want, to trying to do our best and it falls flat, to refusing to take responsibility if something doesn’t go well, and other such inner turmoil leading to blame. At these times, we don’t always realize that we have choices about how we react. That is, unless we are getting something out of blaming, which itself is an important question to ask ourselves, we have the ability to change a tendency to blame.

Since blaming doesn’t make things better, it helps to remove ourselves from the negativity and think about what is going on for us at these times. In this week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog you will see a list of reflective questions that may shed a light on a tendency to blame if that is something you are doing in a particular situation or generally, have a tendency – at some level of your consciousness- to choose blame.

• What was it about the other person’s words or behaviour that led you to lay blame?
• What did you need from the other person that they weren’t delivering on?
• What impact did blaming the other have on you?
• What impact did blaming have on the other person?
• What do you believe about the other person and their intentions that may have contributed to your feelings of blame in this situation?
• If you told the other person exactly what you are/were feeling about what they said or did, what words would you use?
• What was going on for you that you chose blaming as a way to cope with this person or situation?
• What other choices did you have that may have served you better?
• What would it take for you to let go of the blame now if you want to? If you don’t want to, what is the reason you want to hold onto the blame?
• What theme(s) may there be about the circumstances, subject matter, person and other possible variables – when you tend to blame?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?
• (From the archives)

This quote by Mark Twain “Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please” is the focus of this week’s blog.

It is a quote that makes me smile in my work as a conflict management coach – and well, personally too! Over 20 years ago, when developing a coaching model for supporting people in their efforts to engage more effectively in their interpersonal conflicts, it became evident that many people distort what transpired in a dispute between them and another person. Mostly, it is done in self-serving ways! What they wish they said gets mushed with what they actually said; what they assumed about the other person and their intentions seems to become fact; what the other person is purported to say isn’t really what they said but what was interpreted, and so on.

Though I have found that clients’ discussions about their conflicts typically start off missing some the true facts, that initial version does shift to what occurred. That is, with deep listening, lack of judgment, a safe space, and support clients tend to emotionally settle, gain perspective, and step back into a more objective frame of mind. So, contrary to Mark Twain’s quote, I find it is more often the case that when clients stand back from the emotion and stories they tell themselves they are more likely to share the facts of their stories more truthfully and openly. This obviously applies to us and our relational disputes, too.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to take a close look at one of your disputes to check out its veracity:

• What happened in the conflict you have in mind?
• What, if anything, are you reluctant to share about this interaction? What is that reluctance about, if applicable?
• For what reasons were you angry at the other person? What other words might you use other than angry to describe your feelings at the time?
• What do you wish you said that you didn’t?
• How would you handle this interaction differently if you had it to do again?
• Looking back, what might you have distorted at the time – basing your interpretation more on what you perceived  – not necessarily what the other person said or meant?
• How would the other person’s version of what happened, in the first place, differ from yours?
• For what was the other person angry at that you said or did?  As far as you can tell,  other words might the other person use to describe how they observed/experienced you?
• What makes you saddest about what occurred now that you look back at it?
• What distortions of the conflict happened between you that need to be rectified before moving on?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?

“Know your worth. You must find the courage to leave the table if respect is no longer being served.” Tene Edwards

• I find this a poignant quote. There’s only so much any of us can or want to tolerate when we don’t feel respected. This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog speaks to this as it pertains to being in conflict. That is, our level of toleration varies in conflict depending on a number of variables, including whom the conflict is with and what it is about?

  Generally, most of us do not want to put up with words and actions that result in us feeling vulnerable, threatened, experiencing ongoing tension, being undermined, hurt and upset, feeling ‘lesser than’ and other outcomes that can occur from being engaged  in destructive conflict.

  At these times – when the conflict dynamics threaten our self-worth – many of us lose track of ourselves and our strengths. Self-limiting beliefs might kick in; we may lose faith in ourselves and underestimate our strengths; we may feel powerless; and we might lose courage to stand up for ourselves or our values and our needs.  Maintaining and gaining strength at these times is often difficult and we forget we have a choice to walk away – with our dignity and self-respect. This blog invites you to unpack an interpersonal dispute and consider when and how to leave the table because respect is no longer being served.

  What is the dispute about?

  In what ways is the other person undermining and disrespecting you?

  About what in this dynamic are you feeling strong?

  About what are you feeling least strong in this dispute?

  What did you think about yourself before this conflict with respect to your relationship with the other person? Your relationship with yourself?

  What about now – taking the above questions to the present?

  What does ‘leaving the table’ mean to you as one of your choices regarding this dispute? What other meanings may apply?

• If you hadn’t already included ‘leaving the table’ as one of your choices, what now makes that a possibility?

  What scares you about the possibility of leaving the table as you define it?

• In what ways might you muster your courage to ‘leave the table’?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

(From the archives)

I laughed when I read this quote by Erma Bombeck! Even though it’s hard to consider guilt a gift, I have come to see how it can be when it comes to learning about ourselves and our relationship with ourselves when encountering interpersonal conflicts.

Though I’m a conflict specialist, having worked in the field of conflict management for over 30 years, I admit I don’t always manage my own conflicts as well as I could! For example, I sometimes experience guilt about things I said that I cannot take back. Or I might not own my part of the conflict – not recognizing my part till I have let go of blame. Or I might not be totally honest with the other person, for fear of hurting them. I hear these sorts of sentiments and more from my clients, too – leading to ongoing feelings, of all sorts, including guilt.

How are these feelings of guilt a gift? I’ve come to think of them personally and professionally as important lessons about what to do differently next time. And what to work on to prevent unnecessary conflict, to prevent hurting someone else and to prevent hurting ourselves. Guilt is a reminder that we contribute to the disputes we are involved in – even if we remain silent, even if we apologize, even if we forgive and so on. Essentially then, guilt puts up signposts for us to learn from including how to engage more effectively in our relational conflicts going forward. Guilt also holds up signposts that reflect a need to apologize, to clear the air, to move forward less encumbered by negative feelings and so on.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog then, discusses some ways guilt shows up for you and how it’s a gift that keeps on giving even though you might not consider guilt a gift!! The following questions are most helpful if you consider a dispute about which you are continuing to feel guilt.

• What is/was the dispute about?
• What did you say or do that is causing you to feel guilty?
• What prompted you to say or do that which resulted in those feelings of guilt?
• What emotions were you experiencing at the time of the incident?
• What reaction from the other person seemed to have added to your guilt ?
• What do you wish you had said or done instead? What do you suppose kept you from these alternate ideas of what you could have said or done?
• What did you learn, if anything,  from your reaction and feelings of guilt?
• What other gifts have you gained – besides what you just answered (in the previous question)  about what you learned from your reactions and feelings of guilt?
• How will the gifts you gained in this situation positively impact you in future disputes?
• How then has guilt in this situation been a gift that keeps on giving?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?