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Caring Grudges

Posted on December 20, 2011 by Cinnie Noble

One of the things that happens after interpersonal conflict is that some of us bear a grudge. We continue to hold onto negative feelings about the other person and may do so for a protracted period of time. We may show this by ignoring the person, or making derogatory remarks about him or her, directly or indirectly. Or, we may retaliate in different ways. Bearing grudges may be a way of coping, but we usually recognize it also contributes to ongoing dissension.

Some of us have a proclivity for bearing grudges as a way of handling conflict and it may reflect a general lack of resilience, inability to let go, a type of defense mechanism, a need for control, an inability to regulate our emotions and other reasons. In any case, carrying around heavy feelings about the other person not only has a huge impact on us. It is a lousy feeling to experience lingering negative feelings and thoughts, when we are the recipient of someone else’s grudge against us. Considering this means a lot to the ongoing relationship, if that is of importance to us.

It occurred to me as I was writing this week’s blog, that maybe, the term ought to be caring grudges. Why? Because at times, underneath our grudges are caring feelings. That is, whatever happened between us and the other person, it has had an impact on something we care about that is important to us. Considering these ideas, here are some conflict mastery questions to help increase insights about grudges:

  • Under what circumstances do you tend to carry grudges?
  • What do you think it is about those particular situations and/or people that results in doing so?
  • What are the sorts of feelings you have about the other person when you are bearing a grudge?
  • Considering one of the situations about which you are carrying (or did carry) a grudge, what are (or were) you caring about at that time?
  • In what ways do you demonstrate you are carrying a grudge?
  • How do you think that is experienced by the other person?
  • How does it feel for you to carry a grudge?
  • What do you gain from carrying grudges? What risks are there?
  • What do you think it would take to let go of a grudge if you wanted to?

Any other comments about this topic and/or what other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) occur to you here about carrying or caring grudges?

Posted in Grudges, Perceptions, Resilience | 2 Comments

Name-Calling

Posted on December 13, 2011 by Cinnie Noble

Even though we know that name-calling sounds infantile, sometimes in the heat of anger, we realize we have resorted to blaming with words that hurt, or the other person is verbally attacking us. Unfortunately, the sentiments experienced in these words often echo long after the disagreement is over and may even get dragged into subsequent conversations.

Name-calling is an impulsive habit for responding to something another person says or does that offends us. From the point of view of conflict mastery, it is worth exploring the feeling and words behind name-calling and the moments that incite them. Won’t you consider the following questions in this regard?

  • If you name-call at times, what name(s) did you use in the last conflict when you did so?
  • Why did you choose those particular names or that name?
  • What was the message you wanted to convey that led you to use the name(s) you did?
  • What did you need, expect or hope for from that person that he or she wasn’t delivering (if you didn’t refer to one or more of these above)?
  • What do you suppose motivated you to name-call at that time, rather than responding differently?
  • What emotions were you experiencing?
  • What was the observable impact on the other person when you called the name(s) you referred to?
  • How did name-calling work for you? How did it work against you?
  • If other people have called you names, how have you responded?
  • Consider one of those situations (if someone called you names). What could he or she have said or done in that situation, that would have worked better for you?

Any other comments about this topic and/or what other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may work here to raise awareness about name-calling?

Posted in Blame, Choice in Conflict, Conflict Habits, Emotions in Conflict, Name-Calling | Leave a comment

Our Conflict Habits

Posted on December 6, 2011 by Cinnie Noble

Habits we use when it comes to interpersonal conflicts are like other habits that we come to repeat without much thought. They are rote behaviours that reflect what we have learned about how to cope with situations. Conflict habits have to do among other things, with how we manage our emotions when we are provoked. Habits may show up in how we communicate, and how we defend things that are important to us. Some work for us and others do not.

Generally, we do not recognize habits as things we can change. We learned them over time and they have come to feel a part of who we are. However, we have the ability to unlearn our habits and replace them with ones that better serve us and those around us. As with other habits we want to change, the starting point is to acknowledge the one or ones that are counterproductive and focus on how we prefer to be. Here are some questions to help focus on habits and intentions when in conflict:

  • What habits do you have about the ways you manage conflict that you would like to change?
  • Choosing one of these, how do you describe this habit in more detail?
  • How did you develop this habit?
  • How do you want to be and be seen with respect to this habit that is different from how you are now?
  • When you make the change to be the way you describe, what do you hope will be different for you?
  • How will the change be for other people with whom you are in conflict?
  • How badly do you want to change this habit on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being ‘very much’?
  • What is the downside of making the change or changes you describe?
  • What may be keeping you from beginning to make the change(s) if you want to do so? How come?
  • What is one step you can take immediately to make the change you want regarding this habit?

What other comments about this topic and/or what other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may inspire insights about conflict habits?

Posted in Choice in Conflict, Conflict Habits, Emotions in Conflict | Leave a comment

Understanding Heightened Emotions When In Conflict

Posted on November 29, 2011 by Cinnie Noble

It goes without saying that experiencing a range of negative feelings is a natural part of being in conflict. When the issues being discussed are difficult for us, or if the other person is making his or her point in an obnoxious and hurtful way, or if there are other reasons we react, we are undoubtedly experiencing different emotions that are not always easy to identify. Understanding what actually leads to heightened emotions when in conflict is not always easy to do either.

Being too quick to try and make sense of our emotions is not necessarily helpful. Time to listen to ourselves is though. It helps at these times to find words to describe what we are feeling. With thought and discussion, we are usually able to identify what we are feeling and consider what is going on for us. That exploration often opens up more meaningful insights than initial expressions of our emotions.

Identifying the words that describe the emotion is a first step. The next step is to explore what is underneath the stated emotions and what drives them. That is, it is important to stand under emotions to understand them. Understanding our emotions is an important conflict management skill and these questions will hopefully help you stand under those that heighten emotions.

  • Thinking of the last time you were in a dispute, what two words most accurately describe the main emotions you were experiencing?
  • Please choose one of those words that may be common to other conflicts that you can think of. If both or neither are common, select one and describe what this emotion means in more detail?
  • What specifically did the other person say or do that aroused this emotion in you?
  • What do you perceive the other person challenged in you when his or her acts or words aroused this emotion for you?
  • What did you need from that person that he or she didn’t provide?
  • What do you know for sure about yourself and this emotion?
  • What do you not understand about yourself and this emotion?
  • What other understanding would you like to have regarding this particular emotional reaction that may help you manage it effectively, if you want to?
  • What do you want to feel and do that would be different than your usual reaction?

Any other comments about this topic and/or what other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) would you add here about understanding heightened emotions?

Posted in Emotions in Conflict | Leave a comment

Staying Hurt

Posted on November 22, 2011 by Cinnie Noble

Conflict can hurt in a way that is often indescribable. Have you ever tried to describe it? It is pain that we seem to feel throughout our being – in our hearts and bones and skin. Emotional pain can cause us to feel physically sick. This type of pain sometimes feels so deep – as though it will never go away. It hurts through and through.

Since hurts from conflicts often reflect how deeply we care about certain issues, it is usual that we stay in that deep place until we get to a point where we are able to step back and reflect on things, including to figure out what’s going on for us and how to move on. Without some examination of our hurts, the chances are high that we end up with repeated conflictual interactions with the same person or others who provoke us in the same way. Please think about the last time you felt ongoing hurt in an interpersonal conflict to answer this series of questions:

  • What words describe the hurt that is staying with you?
  • What specifically is it about what the person said or did that was especially hurtful?
  • In addition to the emotional repercussions, what thoughts have continued to linger for you since the initial hurt?
  • What remains unresolved for you that those particular thoughts are lingering?
  • What may you be gaining, if anything, from holding onto this situation and the related emotions, etc.?
  • In what ways are your ongoing feelings about the situation and/or the other person continuing to have an impact on you?
  • What hurt do you suppose the other person continues to carry about you and the situation?
  • What words describe how you expect you will feel when you stop hurting?
  • What have you done so far if anything, to let go of the hurt?
  • What do you think it will ultimately take for you to let go?

Any other comments about this topic and/or what other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you suggest?

Posted in Emotions in Conflict, Getting Unstuck, Hurt, Resilience | Leave a comment