art work by John Ceprano
CINERGY (tm) - Peacebuilding... one person at a time

Picking Up the Conflict ‘Vibes’

Posted on January 5, 2012 by Cinnie Noble

Conflict mastery is not only about engaging effectively in a conflict once it has evolved. It also entails picking up ‘vibrations’ that may signal dissension with or from another person and addressing the dynamic at the time. It is a matter of being proactive and preventing unnecessary conflict or facilitating positive conflict. Picking up conflict ‘vibes’ may not result in a specific discussion with the other person. It may be a matter of beginning to notice things that seem to be igniting him or her or yourself and considering when and how that happens. Essentially, I am suggest that this starts with self-reflection that concentrates on our instincts and what we sense is occurring.

Here are some ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) to ask yourself about picking up on vibes. This exercise works well by thinking of a time you sensed that someone was disgruntled with you and a dispute ultimately unfolded. With that in mind, please consider these:

  • As soon as you noticed some sort of discord with the other person, what did your intuition tell you about the reason(s) for a change in the other person’s demeanour, attitude, etc.?
  • On what did you base your intuitive response?
  • What was the impact on you of this person’s demeanour, attitude, etc.?
  • What if anything, was going on between you before or at the time, he or she seemed to be reacting to you?
  • What if anything, may you have said or done that irritated the other person?
  • What understanding did you gain when things evolved into a dispute that was consistent with your initial instincts? What was not consistent?
  • What could you have said or done at the time you picked up the vibration from the other person and what difference might it have made had you said or done so?
  • What do you suppose stopped you from acknowledging the ‘vibe’ at the time?
  • What do you think it takes for people generally, to trust our instincts about conflict vibes?
  • What do your answers here mean for you that you will consider the next time you pick up a conflict ‘vibe’?

Any other comments about this topic and/or what other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) do you suggest for this topic?

Posted in Conflict Vibrations, Positive Conflict | Leave a comment

Preparing for a Conflict Conversation that the Other Person Initiated

Posted on December 27, 2011 by Cinnie Noble

Preparing to respond to another person’s initiation of a conflict conversation can be an art and science, just as it is when we are the initiator. You may not have thought of conflict conversations as being either an art or science. The reality is we all are involved on a regular basis in communications that are and that have the potential for being difficult, emotional, inflammatory and so on.

It is up to us to choose whether we want to engage in difficult communications that someone else initiates. It also means being strategic and determining when and how to do so. These aren’t choices that we usually think we have when someone else starts a conflict conversation. This is especially the case if the other person approaches us in a way that pushes our buttons. The thing is, we still have a choice about how and when we react.

The following questions will hopefully help focus and prepare for the occasion when another person initiates a conflict conversation with you:

  • What are the risks that concern you when someone else initiates a conflict conversation?
  • How would you describe what it is like for you when you are the initiator of a conflict conversation?
  • What are the chances that the other person experiences the same sort of thoughts and feelings when s/he starts a challenging conversation?
  • What are the ideal signs that indicate you are ready to engage in a conflict conversation?
  • What would success be for you in a conflict conversation when someone else initiates it?
  • How will you achieve this the next time it occurs?
  • If you are not ready to converse, what is the optimum way to respond that is consistent with how you want to interact at these times?
  • How would you describe how you want to be and be perceived in a conflict conversation when someone else initiates it?
  • What do you want to be most careful about when others initiate conflict conversations (that you have tended to do and don’t want to)?
  • What is the skill you want to hone most to respond the way you want to under these circumstances?

Any other comments about this topic and/or what other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add on this topic?

Posted in Choice in Conflict, Conflict Conversations, Conflict Management Coaching, Preparing for Conflict | 8 Comments

Caring Grudges

Posted on December 20, 2011 by Cinnie Noble

One of the things that happens after interpersonal conflict is that some of us bear a grudge. We continue to hold onto negative feelings about the other person and may do so for a protracted period of time. We may show this by ignoring the person, or making derogatory remarks about him or her, directly or indirectly. Or, we may retaliate in different ways. Bearing grudges may be a way of coping, but we usually recognize it also contributes to ongoing dissension.

Some of us have a proclivity for bearing grudges as a way of handling conflict and it may reflect a general lack of resilience, inability to let go, a type of defense mechanism, a need for control, an inability to regulate our emotions and other reasons. In any case, carrying around heavy feelings about the other person not only has a huge impact on us. It is a lousy feeling to experience lingering negative feelings and thoughts, when we are the recipient of someone else’s grudge against us. Considering this means a lot to the ongoing relationship, if that is of importance to us.

It occurred to me as I was writing this week’s blog, that maybe, the term ought to be caring grudges. Why? Because at times, underneath our grudges are caring feelings. That is, whatever happened between us and the other person, it has had an impact on something we care about that is important to us. Considering these ideas, here are some conflict mastery questions to help increase insights about grudges:

  • Under what circumstances do you tend to carry grudges?
  • What do you think it is about those particular situations and/or people that results in doing so?
  • What are the sorts of feelings you have about the other person when you are bearing a grudge?
  • Considering one of the situations about which you are carrying (or did carry) a grudge, what are (or were) you caring about at that time?
  • In what ways do you demonstrate you are carrying a grudge?
  • How do you think that is experienced by the other person?
  • How does it feel for you to carry a grudge?
  • What do you gain from carrying grudges? What risks are there?
  • What do you think it would take to let go of a grudge if you wanted to?

Any other comments about this topic and/or what other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) occur to you here about carrying or caring grudges?

Posted in Grudges, Perceptions, Resilience | 2 Comments

Name-Calling

Posted on December 13, 2011 by Cinnie Noble

Even though we know that name-calling sounds infantile, sometimes in the heat of anger, we realize we have resorted to blaming with words that hurt, or the other person is verbally attacking us. Unfortunately, the sentiments experienced in these words often echo long after the disagreement is over and may even get dragged into subsequent conversations.

Name-calling is an impulsive habit for responding to something another person says or does that offends us. From the point of view of conflict mastery, it is worth exploring the feeling and words behind name-calling and the moments that incite them. Won’t you consider the following questions in this regard?

  • If you name-call at times, what name(s) did you use in the last conflict when you did so?
  • Why did you choose those particular names or that name?
  • What was the message you wanted to convey that led you to use the name(s) you did?
  • What did you need, expect or hope for from that person that he or she wasn’t delivering (if you didn’t refer to one or more of these above)?
  • What do you suppose motivated you to name-call at that time, rather than responding differently?
  • What emotions were you experiencing?
  • What was the observable impact on the other person when you called the name(s) you referred to?
  • How did name-calling work for you? How did it work against you?
  • If other people have called you names, how have you responded?
  • Consider one of those situations (if someone called you names). What could he or she have said or done in that situation, that would have worked better for you?

Any other comments about this topic and/or what other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may work here to raise awareness about name-calling?

Posted in Blame, Choice in Conflict, Conflict Habits, Emotions in Conflict, Name-Calling | Leave a comment

Our Conflict Habits

Posted on December 6, 2011 by Cinnie Noble

Habits we use when it comes to interpersonal conflicts are like other habits that we come to repeat without much thought. They are rote behaviours that reflect what we have learned about how to cope with situations. Conflict habits have to do among other things, with how we manage our emotions when we are provoked. Habits may show up in how we communicate, and how we defend things that are important to us. Some work for us and others do not.

Generally, we do not recognize habits as things we can change. We learned them over time and they have come to feel a part of who we are. However, we have the ability to unlearn our habits and replace them with ones that better serve us and those around us. As with other habits we want to change, the starting point is to acknowledge the one or ones that are counterproductive and focus on how we prefer to be. Here are some questions to help focus on habits and intentions when in conflict:

  • What habits do you have about the ways you manage conflict that you would like to change?
  • Choosing one of these, how do you describe this habit in more detail?
  • How did you develop this habit?
  • How do you want to be and be seen with respect to this habit that is different from how you are now?
  • When you make the change to be the way you describe, what do you hope will be different for you?
  • How will the change be for other people with whom you are in conflict?
  • How badly do you want to change this habit on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being ‘very much’?
  • What is the downside of making the change or changes you describe?
  • What may be keeping you from beginning to make the change(s) if you want to do so? How come?
  • What is one step you can take immediately to make the change you want regarding this habit?

What other comments about this topic and/or what other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may inspire insights about conflict habits?

Posted in Choice in Conflict, Conflict Habits, Emotions in Conflict | Leave a comment