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Fears in Interpersonal Conflict

Posted on February 7, 2012 by Cinnie Noble

Though not always expressed, it is common that people in conflict experience some level of fear about the dynamic between them and the other person. This may be about the issues in dispute and/or the relationship, or their own reactions and experience of the conflict. In a small scale study CINERGY® Coaching did with 200 clients about what fears they have in their interpersonal disputes, the fear of a loss of some sort prevailed. Loss of the relationship (connecting, caring, etc.), of face, of reputation, of job, of security and so on are examples. Other fears such as being hurt, alienated, embarrassed, shamed, rejected, hurting someone and the unknown were also common.

Here are some ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) to consider in more detail about fears if this aspect of conflict resonates for you. Please think of your last interpersonal dispute to answer the following and if you did not experience fear of any sort in that one, choose an example in which you did:

  • How would you describe the fear or fears you experienced in that dispute?
  • What particularly was it that the other person said or did that resulted in you experiencing fear?
  • What does that say about your hope(s), expectation(s) and/or need(s) in that dispute?
  • How did you experience that fear emotionally?
  • How did you experience that fear in your body?
  • What were the thoughts going on for you when the fear set in?
  • What about your fear has a basis in reality?
  • What about your fear does not have a basis in reality?
  • What decision(s) did you make about the issue and/or the person that may have been fear-based?
  • How did the fear help you? Hurt you?
  • What do you think needs to happen in a situation to help reduce fears that get in the way of moving on or letting go?

Any other comments about this topic and/or what other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) would you add on this subject of fears in interpersonal conflict?

Posted in Emotions in Conflict, Fears, Reactions | 2 Comments

Reacting to Interpersonal Conflict

Posted on January 31, 2012 by Cinnie Noble

There are days when we are in conflict with another person we respond strongly to his or her action or words that may not have the same impact on other days. Fatigue, personal or professional worries and other stressors all contribute to how reactive we are, to whom and for what reason. Some strong emotions leave us in a state of heart and mind that may confuse us and add to the strain we already experience as a consequence of the conflict. These emotions can sometimes take over and we find ourselves responding in uncharacteristic and extreme ways to the other person (and even other people and situations that are unrelated to the initial trigger point).

It is often a challenge to figure out what is happening in the moment that leads to reactions we then agonize about – sometimes for days and nights. Continuing feelings of shame, vulnerability, sadness and upset do not help us move on, of course and they add more tension to our lives, for the other person and those around us. Considering a past dispute to which you reacted strongly, here are some questions:

  • What specifically was it that the person said/ did (did not say/do) that you reacted to?
  • What were you feeling when that happened?
  • What do you suppose led you to feel especially reactive in this situation?
  • What were you thinking about the other person and situation when you were provoked this way?
  • Under what circumstances do you usually find you react stronger than others? Under what circumstances are you less reactive?
  • What are you most distressed about right now as you think about the situation and/or the other person?
  • For what reasons do you suppose that sentiment remains with you?
  • Generally-speaking, what is the usual impact (if any) on other parts of your life when you react strongly? How about for the other person?
  • What positive repercussions are there for you when you react strongly? How about for the other person?
  • How do you prefer to react when you are in conflict? How may you ensure that reaction next time?

Any other comments about this topic and/or what other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may work here with respect to reacting strongly?

Posted in Emotions in Conflict, Post-Conflict, Reactions, Resilience | 2 Comments

Considering Consequences of Disputes

Posted on January 24, 2012 by Cinnie Noble

What happens to many of us in the heat of an argument, is that we don’t consider the aftermath. One of the consequences of our actions and words or those of the other person is that we cannot easily undo what hurt we experience or caused. Emotions can linger and the pieces that are not reconciled, end up being the remnants in which we clothe our next dispute.

Thinking before we speak is sage advice that is likely said more than it is practiced. If more of us caught ourselves before destructive words and actions seep out, our disputes may not result in sustained tension and other sentiments that continue long after the conflict is over. The following questions are aimed at building awareness to help eliminate unproductive consequences of conflicts. Consider a previous dispute that lingers and you prefer that it mends instead.

  • What feels unfinished for you about that interaction?
  • How would you describe the consequences that are lingering on for you?
  • What did the other person say or do that lingers on?
  • What do you regret that you said or did in that conflict that continues to bother you?
  • What may the other person say or do at this point that would help matters?
  • What clarification may you not be asking for that you want or need?
  • What may be unfinished or unresolved for the other person?
  • What do you want the other person to know that he or she may not realize and that may help you and/or him or her move on?
  • Considering how you want the relationship to be, what may you say or do to facilitate that?
  • What do you think you could begin to let go of that offended you in this interaction?
  • What seems like a pattern you have when it comes to situations like this that you would like to change?

Any other comments about this topic and/or what other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you ask here?

Posted in Consequences, Post-Conflict, Resilience | Leave a comment

Getting Unstuck When In Conflict

Posted on January 17, 2012 by Cinnie Noble

It often happens that the more positional we are about an issue in dispute, the more stuck we are about discussing the matter – much less reconciling matters. Our ability to negotiate, discuss and make amends deteriorates at these times and the other person may dig in his or her shoes in response to us. Or, he or she may have been the one to take a stand in the first place and our reaction contributes to the discord.

We get stuck for many reasons, depending on things like what the situation is, who the other person is, the nature of the perceived offense, the strength of our emotional response, the inherent threat to something important to us and so on. A challenging dilemma arises when we’re stuck in a conflict and the ‘stuckness’ works both ways. It is interesting however, that whether it is one or both parties that are stuck, such a state of being blocked or stuck often signifies a crucial turning point in the dispute.

In an attempt to ensure such turning points open the door rather than close them, the following set of questions may be helpful in turning the knob. Please consider a current situation in which you and the other person are stuck in your conflict situation or conversation – getting nowhere fast, holding on to your positions and getting stronger in your respective senses of rightness.

  • What is happening for you when you are stuck in a conflict?
  • What is one image that describes this experience of being stuck?
  • What are the upsides for you if the conflict gets resolved?
  • What are the downsides for you if the conflict does not get resolved?
  • What is going on for you right now that may be keeping you from getting unstuck?
  • What could the other person say or do that would help you come unstuck – even a little?
  • What is your sense of what the other person may be stuck about regarding this situation?
  • What if anything, are you willing to say or do that may help him or her start to get unstuck?
  • What is one word to describe what it will feel like to get unstuck?
  • What sorts of different possibilities may open up if you become unstuck?

Any other comments about this topic and/or what other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) occur to you?

Posted in Getting Unstuck, Resilience | 4 Comments

Exploring Our Conflict Perceptions

Posted on January 10, 2012 by Cinnie Noble

When other people provoke us, our perceptions of what is happening sometimes tends to be distorted. Typically, the more egregious the exchange and the angrier we become, the more negative our perspectives are. It seems that once we are irritated by another person and especially if our feelings grow with repeated interactions, it is challenging to disabuse ourselves of the assumptions about the other person and his or her motives. What also happens in many cases is that we get stuck in our positions and don’t listen to the other person. In those cases, we do not tend to gain clarity about what is going on with him or her. We do that and the other person does that, limiting the possibilities for reconciling our differences.

Since we likely develop our perceptions about our conflictual interactions from historical experiences with the other person or the same sort of interactions with others, it helps to explore these further. Here, when answering today’s questions, please consider an unresolved disagreement that continues to brew:

  • What is your perception about the other person’s part in a recent conflict (or the last one you recall)?
  • Why do you suppose he or she did or said that?
  • What part of your perception about the other person may not be an absolutely accurate description of what is going on?
  • What may the other person’s perception be of the situation and your part in it?
  • Considering your answers to the above questions, what part of the other person’s possible perception of you in that situation do you agree with?
  • What reasons may he or she attribute to you for your actions?
  • Which part are you likely to disagree with?
  • What part of your sense of what is going on between you two is causing you the most upset, angst, concern, etc. right now?
  • What do you want to have happen to change things in this situation?
  • What could you do or say for that to occur?

Any other comments about this topic and/or what other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) about perceptions may you add here to further explore this?

Posted in Conflict Perceptions | 4 Comments