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Considering Consequences of Disputes

Posted on January 24, 2012 by Cinnie Noble

What happens to many of us in the heat of an argument, is that we don’t consider the aftermath. One of the consequences of our actions and words or those of the other person is that we cannot easily undo what hurt we experience or caused. Emotions can linger and the pieces that are not reconciled, end up being the remnants in which we clothe our next dispute.

Thinking before we speak is sage advice that is likely said more than it is practiced. If more of us caught ourselves before destructive words and actions seep out, our disputes may not result in sustained tension and other sentiments that continue long after the conflict is over. The following questions are aimed at building awareness to help eliminate unproductive consequences of conflicts. Consider a previous dispute that lingers and you prefer that it mends instead.

  • What feels unfinished for you about that interaction?
  • How would you describe the consequences that are lingering on for you?
  • What did the other person say or do that lingers on?
  • What do you regret that you said or did in that conflict that continues to bother you?
  • What may the other person say or do at this point that would help matters?
  • What clarification may you not be asking for that you want or need?
  • What may be unfinished or unresolved for the other person?
  • What do you want the other person to know that he or she may not realize and that may help you and/or him or her move on?
  • Considering how you want the relationship to be, what may you say or do to facilitate that?
  • What do you think you could begin to let go of that offended you in this interaction?
  • What seems like a pattern you have when it comes to situations like this that you would like to change?

Any other comments about this topic and/or what other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you ask here?

Posted in Consequences, Post-Conflict, Resilience | Leave a comment

Getting Unstuck When In Conflict

Posted on January 17, 2012 by Cinnie Noble

It often happens that the more positional we are about an issue in dispute, the more stuck we are about discussing the matter – much less reconciling matters. Our ability to negotiate, discuss and make amends deteriorates at these times and the other person may dig in his or her shoes in response to us. Or, he or she may have been the one to take a stand in the first place and our reaction contributes to the discord.

We get stuck for many reasons, depending on things like what the situation is, who the other person is, the nature of the perceived offense, the strength of our emotional response, the inherent threat to something important to us and so on. A challenging dilemma arises when we’re stuck in a conflict and the ‘stuckness’ works both ways. It is interesting however, that whether it is one or both parties that are stuck, such a state of being blocked or stuck often signifies a crucial turning point in the dispute.

In an attempt to ensure such turning points open the door rather than close them, the following set of questions may be helpful in turning the knob. Please consider a current situation in which you and the other person are stuck in your conflict situation or conversation – getting nowhere fast, holding on to your positions and getting stronger in your respective senses of rightness.

  • What is happening for you when you are stuck in a conflict?
  • What is one image that describes this experience of being stuck?
  • What are the upsides for you if the conflict gets resolved?
  • What are the downsides for you if the conflict does not get resolved?
  • What is going on for you right now that may be keeping you from getting unstuck?
  • What could the other person say or do that would help you come unstuck – even a little?
  • What is your sense of what the other person may be stuck about regarding this situation?
  • What if anything, are you willing to say or do that may help him or her start to get unstuck?
  • What is one word to describe what it will feel like to get unstuck?
  • What sorts of different possibilities may open up if you become unstuck?

Any other comments about this topic and/or what other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) occur to you?

Posted in Getting Unstuck, Resilience | 4 Comments

Exploring Our Conflict Perceptions

Posted on January 10, 2012 by Cinnie Noble

When other people provoke us, our perceptions of what is happening sometimes tends to be distorted. Typically, the more egregious the exchange and the angrier we become, the more negative our perspectives are. It seems that once we are irritated by another person and especially if our feelings grow with repeated interactions, it is challenging to disabuse ourselves of the assumptions about the other person and his or her motives. What also happens in many cases is that we get stuck in our positions and don’t listen to the other person. In those cases, we do not tend to gain clarity about what is going on with him or her. We do that and the other person does that, limiting the possibilities for reconciling our differences.

Since we likely develop our perceptions about our conflictual interactions from historical experiences with the other person or the same sort of interactions with others, it helps to explore these further. Here, when answering today’s questions, please consider an unresolved disagreement that continues to brew:

  • What is your perception about the other person’s part in a recent conflict (or the last one you recall)?
  • Why do you suppose he or she did or said that?
  • What part of your perception about the other person may not be an absolutely accurate description of what is going on?
  • What may the other person’s perception be of the situation and your part in it?
  • Considering your answers to the above questions, what part of the other person’s possible perception of you in that situation do you agree with?
  • What reasons may he or she attribute to you for your actions?
  • Which part are you likely to disagree with?
  • What part of your sense of what is going on between you two is causing you the most upset, angst, concern, etc. right now?
  • What do you want to have happen to change things in this situation?
  • What could you do or say for that to occur?

Any other comments about this topic and/or what other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) about perceptions may you add here to further explore this?

Posted in Conflict Perceptions | 4 Comments

Picking Up the Conflict ‘Vibes’

Posted on January 5, 2012 by Cinnie Noble

Conflict mastery is not only about engaging effectively in a conflict once it has evolved. It also entails picking up ‘vibrations’ that may signal dissension with or from another person and addressing the dynamic at the time. It is a matter of being proactive and preventing unnecessary conflict or facilitating positive conflict. Picking up conflict ‘vibes’ may not result in a specific discussion with the other person. It may be a matter of beginning to notice things that seem to be igniting him or her or yourself and considering when and how that happens. Essentially, I am suggest that this starts with self-reflection that concentrates on our instincts and what we sense is occurring.

Here are some ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) to ask yourself about picking up on vibes. This exercise works well by thinking of a time you sensed that someone was disgruntled with you and a dispute ultimately unfolded. With that in mind, please consider these:

  • As soon as you noticed some sort of discord with the other person, what did your intuition tell you about the reason(s) for a change in the other person’s demeanour, attitude, etc.?
  • On what did you base your intuitive response?
  • What was the impact on you of this person’s demeanour, attitude, etc.?
  • What if anything, was going on between you before or at the time, he or she seemed to be reacting to you?
  • What if anything, may you have said or done that irritated the other person?
  • What understanding did you gain when things evolved into a dispute that was consistent with your initial instincts? What was not consistent?
  • What could you have said or done at the time you picked up the vibration from the other person and what difference might it have made had you said or done so?
  • What do you suppose stopped you from acknowledging the ‘vibe’ at the time?
  • What do you think it takes for people generally, to trust our instincts about conflict vibes?
  • What do your answers here mean for you that you will consider the next time you pick up a conflict ‘vibe’?

Any other comments about this topic and/or what other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) do you suggest for this topic?

Posted in Conflict Vibrations, Positive Conflict | Leave a comment

Preparing for a Conflict Conversation that the Other Person Initiated

Posted on December 27, 2011 by Cinnie Noble

Preparing to respond to another person’s initiation of a conflict conversation can be an art and science, just as it is when we are the initiator. You may not have thought of conflict conversations as being either an art or science. The reality is we all are involved on a regular basis in communications that are and that have the potential for being difficult, emotional, inflammatory and so on.

It is up to us to choose whether we want to engage in difficult communications that someone else initiates. It also means being strategic and determining when and how to do so. These aren’t choices that we usually think we have when someone else starts a conflict conversation. This is especially the case if the other person approaches us in a way that pushes our buttons. The thing is, we still have a choice about how and when we react.

The following questions will hopefully help focus and prepare for the occasion when another person initiates a conflict conversation with you:

  • What are the risks that concern you when someone else initiates a conflict conversation?
  • How would you describe what it is like for you when you are the initiator of a conflict conversation?
  • What are the chances that the other person experiences the same sort of thoughts and feelings when s/he starts a challenging conversation?
  • What are the ideal signs that indicate you are ready to engage in a conflict conversation?
  • What would success be for you in a conflict conversation when someone else initiates it?
  • How will you achieve this the next time it occurs?
  • If you are not ready to converse, what is the optimum way to respond that is consistent with how you want to interact at these times?
  • How would you describe how you want to be and be perceived in a conflict conversation when someone else initiates it?
  • What do you want to be most careful about when others initiate conflict conversations (that you have tended to do and don’t want to)?
  • What is the skill you want to hone most to respond the way you want to under these circumstances?

Any other comments about this topic and/or what other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add on this topic?

Posted in Choice in Conflict, Conflict Conversations, Conflict Management Coaching, Preparing for Conflict | 8 Comments