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Understanding Heightened Emotions When In Conflict

Posted on November 29, 2011 by Cinnie Noble

It goes without saying that experiencing a range of negative feelings is a natural part of being in conflict. When the issues being discussed are difficult for us, or if the other person is making his or her point in an obnoxious and hurtful way, or if there are other reasons we react, we are undoubtedly experiencing different emotions that are not always easy to identify. Understanding what actually leads to heightened emotions when in conflict is not always easy to do either.

Being too quick to try and make sense of our emotions is not necessarily helpful. Time to listen to ourselves is though. It helps at these times to find words to describe what we are feeling. With thought and discussion, we are usually able to identify what we are feeling and consider what is going on for us. That exploration often opens up more meaningful insights than initial expressions of our emotions.

Identifying the words that describe the emotion is a first step. The next step is to explore what is underneath the stated emotions and what drives them. That is, it is important to stand under emotions to understand them. Understanding our emotions is an important conflict management skill and these questions will hopefully help you stand under those that heighten emotions.

  • Thinking of the last time you were in a dispute, what two words most accurately describe the main emotions you were experiencing?
  • Please choose one of those words that may be common to other conflicts that you can think of. If both or neither are common, select one and describe what this emotion means in more detail?
  • What specifically did the other person say or do that aroused this emotion in you?
  • What do you perceive the other person challenged in you when his or her acts or words aroused this emotion for you?
  • What did you need from that person that he or she didn’t provide?
  • What do you know for sure about yourself and this emotion?
  • What do you not understand about yourself and this emotion?
  • What other understanding would you like to have regarding this particular emotional reaction that may help you manage it effectively, if you want to?
  • What do you want to feel and do that would be different than your usual reaction?

Any other comments about this topic and/or what other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) would you add here about understanding heightened emotions?

Posted in Emotions in Conflict | Leave a comment

Staying Hurt

Posted on November 22, 2011 by Cinnie Noble

Conflict can hurt in a way that is often indescribable. Have you ever tried to describe it? It is pain that we seem to feel throughout our being – in our hearts and bones and skin. Emotional pain can cause us to feel physically sick. This type of pain sometimes feels so deep – as though it will never go away. It hurts through and through.

Since hurts from conflicts often reflect how deeply we care about certain issues, it is usual that we stay in that deep place until we get to a point where we are able to step back and reflect on things, including to figure out what’s going on for us and how to move on. Without some examination of our hurts, the chances are high that we end up with repeated conflictual interactions with the same person or others who provoke us in the same way. Please think about the last time you felt ongoing hurt in an interpersonal conflict to answer this series of questions:

  • What words describe the hurt that is staying with you?
  • What specifically is it about what the person said or did that was especially hurtful?
  • In addition to the emotional repercussions, what thoughts have continued to linger for you since the initial hurt?
  • What remains unresolved for you that those particular thoughts are lingering?
  • What may you be gaining, if anything, from holding onto this situation and the related emotions, etc.?
  • In what ways are your ongoing feelings about the situation and/or the other person continuing to have an impact on you?
  • What hurt do you suppose the other person continues to carry about you and the situation?
  • What words describe how you expect you will feel when you stop hurting?
  • What have you done so far if anything, to let go of the hurt?
  • What do you think it will ultimately take for you to let go?

Any other comments about this topic and/or what other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you suggest?

Posted in Emotions in Conflict, Getting Unstuck, Hurt, Resilience | Leave a comment

Body Language of Conflict

Posted on November 15, 2011 by Cinnie Noble

We are not typically aware of our body language when we are in conflict. It is especially likely at these times in fact, that we lose touch with how we come across. We are generally not conscious of what we are doing, how our faces appear, or how our bodies are otherwise ‘talking’. We tend to lose perspective on the situation and how we may even be adversely contributing to the dissension. The only mirror in front of us is the other person, who often reflects and reacts to our language and vice versa.

The following questions will help to hold up a looking glass to yourself, to examine how your facial and body language may negatively contribute to your conflict interactions in ways that don’t become you or your quest for conflict mastery:

  • What are you conscious of that happens with your body and/or face that does not help you in your conflictual interactions?
  • What if anything, have others told you about how your body and/or face appear when you are in conflict that you are not aware of?
  • What do other people do with their faces and bodies that do not work for you when you are in conflict with them?
  • In what ways may you do these things yourself?
  • What do you think your face may have shown that was not productive in the last conflict interaction you were involved in?
  • What about your body language are aware of in that last interaction?
  • How about your tone of voice and attitude?
  • What were you feeling about the other person when you were in that last situation?
  • What messages do you think you conveyed through your facial and body language and your tone of voice and attitude in that situation?
  • What metaphor describes your body language when you are in conflict? What metaphor describes how you prefer to come across?

Please feel free to add other comments about this topic and other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions).

Posted in Body Language, Choice in Conflict, Emotions in Conflict, Resilience | 5 Comments

Checking Our Assumptions When In Conflict

Posted on November 8, 2011 by Cinnie Noble

One of the things that many of us do when we are in conflict, is to make assumptions about the other person and his or her motives. Depending on the person, the situation, what is said or done (or not said or done), and our frame of mind and heart at that time, there are varying levels of assumptions we may make. For instance, we may start out giving the other person the benefit of the doubt and make excuses that demonstrate some empathy and/or understanding. This may be of the nature, “He must be having a bad day”. Or, “She is just a little sensitive”. On the other hand, we may go directly to malevolent assumptions like, “He’s mean-spirited and just wants to be hurtful”, or “She always has to play victim”.

Reflecting on and checking out our assumptions helps us become more masterful at managing conflict. To most effectively respond to some of these ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions), it helps to consider a specific situation that is ongoing or one that has recently happened:

  • Considering a specific situation, what did the other person say or do that you found particularly irritating?
  • What are three possible reasons that he or she generally did or said that?
  • What are some other possible interpretations for the other person’s actions/words?
  • If you do this sort of thing yourself at times, what are your reasons?
  • If you check it out and you are right about your negative assumption(s) about the other person in this particular situation, what will that mean for you?
  • If you check it out and you are not right about your negative assumptions, what will that mean for you?
  • What may surprise you about the other person’s motives that would be the best case scenario for you?
  • If checking out your assumptions with the other person’s motives is a challenge for you, what is that about?
  • What happens if you don’t check out your assumptions?

Any other comments about this topic or other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) you suggest about checking out assumptions will be welcome.

Posted in Conflict Management Coaching | Leave a comment

Preparing for a Conflict Conversation

Posted on November 1, 2011 by Cinnie Noble

Engaging in conflict conversations is a common happenstance. Some discussions however, lead to uncommon sentiments and reactions when we lose our sense of self and control. One of the consequences is that we may tend to put conflict conversations off indefinitely. Or, we may blurt out something awkwardly or at inappropriate times, or any combination of approaches that make for counterproductive communications.

Becoming masterful at conflict communications – to talk out differences, to mend fractious relationships, to apologize and to even agree to disagree – requires thoughtful preparation. It means being reflective and not reactive. It means managing our fears about the situation including the unknowns about how we or the other person may react. It also means taking a methodical approach that includes answering the following sorts of questions before entering into communications that could be unnecessarily contentious. Consider a challenging conversation you want to have and see if these questions help you prepare for it:

  • What is the outcome you want to achieve in this conversation?
  • What messages do you want to convey?
  • What outcome may the other person want?
  • What messages do you want to be prepared for that the other person may want to convey to you?
  • How do you want to respond to these messages from him or her that will help you reach the outcome you want?
  • What tone, manner or body language do you plan to have to be able to come across the way you want? How else do you want to be and be perceived?
  • What do you know from observations of others and your own positive experiences that are likely to help you interact the way you want to in this conversation?
  • What will you not say or do in this conversation, knowing it may be provocative and not aligned with your goal?
  • How do you want to feel about yourself when this conversation is over?
  • What else do you want to be prepared for?

Any other comments about this topic or other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) that help preparations for constructive conversations are welcome.

Posted in Conflict Management Coaching | 2 Comments