One of the things that many of us do when we are in conflict, is to make assumptions about the other person and his or her motives. Depending on the person, the situation, what is said or done (or not said or done), and our frame of mind and heart at that time, there are varying levels of assumptions we may make. For instance, we may start out giving the other person the benefit of the doubt and make excuses that demonstrate some empathy and/or understanding. This may be of the nature, “He must be having a bad day”. Or, “She is just a little sensitive”. On the other hand, we may go directly to malevolent assumptions like, “He’s mean-spirited and just wants to be hurtful”, or “She always has to play victim”.

Reflecting on and checking out our assumptions helps us become more masterful at managing conflict. To most effectively respond to some of these ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions), it helps to consider a specific situation that is ongoing or one that has recently happened:

• Considering a specific situation, what did the other person say or do that you found particularly irritating?
• What are three possible reasons that he or she generally did or said that?
• What are some other possible interpretations for the other person’s actions/words?
• If you do this sort of thing yourself at times, what are your reasons?
• If you check it out and you are right about your negative assumption(s) about the other person in this particular situation, what will that mean for you?
• If you check it out and you are not right about your negative assumptions, what will that mean for you?
• What may surprise you about the other person’s motives that would be the best case scenario for you?
• If checking out your assumptions with the other person’s motives is a challenge for you, what is that about?
• What happens if you don’t check out your assumptions?

Any other comments about this topic or other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) you suggest about checking out assumptions will be welcome.

Engaging in conflict conversations is a common happenstance. Some discussions however, lead to uncommon sentiments and reactions when we lose our sense of self and control. One of the consequences is that we may tend to put conflict conversations off indefinitely. Or, we may blurt out something awkwardly or at inappropriate times, or any combination of approaches that make for counterproductive communications.

Becoming masterful at conflict communications – to talk out differences, to mend fractious relationships, to apologize and to even agree to disagree – requires thoughtful preparation. It means being reflective and not reactive. It means managing our fears about the situation including the unknowns about how we or the other person may react. It also means taking a methodical approach that includes answering the following sorts of questions before entering into communications that could be unnecessarily contentious. Consider a challenging conversation you want to have and see if these questions help you prepare for it:

• What is the outcome you want to achieve in this conversation?
• What messages do you want to convey?
• What outcome may the other person want?
• What messages do you want to be prepared for that the other person may want to convey to you?
• How do you want to respond to these messages from him or her that will help you reach the outcome you want?
• What tone, manner or body language do you plan to have to be able to come across the way you want? How else do you want to be and be perceived?
• What do you know from observations of others and your own positive experiences that are likely to help you interact the way you want to in this conversation?
• What will you not say or do in this conversation, knowing it may be provocative and not aligned with your goal?
• How do you want to feel about yourself when this conversation is over?
• What else do you want to be prepared for?

Any other comments about this topic or other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) that help preparations for constructive conversations are welcome.