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Making Others Wrong

Posted on March 13, 2012 by Cinnie Noble

One of the things that sometimes happens when we are embroiled in an interpersonal conflict is that we perceive the differences between us as a matter of right and wrong. That is, that we are right and the other person is wrong! That perspective may be the other person’s too, of course. In many cases, such attributions do not apply and mostly, they don’t serve us well. Yet, when there is a need to find fault, it seems many of us think in positional terms of black versus white and hold strongly to those oppositional views.

Insisting on being right and making others wrong is one way of managing conflict. However, since the reality is this approach doesn’t advance resolution, reconcile the relationship, clear the air or achieve positive outcomes, there are other ways to proceed if we want to. This week’s blog will include self-reflective questions for those who want an outcome that helps to make amends and is based more on thinking about the grey in between the starkness of black and white positions. As always, your additional ideas for ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) will be welcomed.

Please consider a dispute in which you and another person have disagreed or are currently disagreeing, when answering these questions:

  • What makes the other person’s viewpoint ‘wrong’?
  • What is ‘right’ about it?
  • What makes your viewpoint ‘wrong’ for him or her?
  • What is ‘right’ about your perspective that he or she doesn’t seem to understand?
  • What seems to be keeping him or her from understanding your perspective?
  • What if anything may you both agree on?
  • What is the main thing (do you think) that is keeping you two from accepting each other’s point of view (and even agreeing to disagree)?
  • What do you think it would take for him or her to acknowledge the way(s) you are ‘right’?
  • What do you think it would take for you to acknowledge the way(s) he or she is ‘right’?
  • What approach may you take that is neither black nor white but a shade of grey, to help you make amends?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add?

Posted in Choice in Conflict, Perceptions | 2 Comments

Blaming is Not a Constructive Coping Technique

Posted on March 6, 2012 by Cinnie Noble

When we are in conflict, it is common for many of us to blame the other person for what happened in the dynamic. It may well be that the other person has done or said something to offend us, and we have done nothing we can think of to warrant his or her words or action. Or, we may have done something to which he or she is reacting and we choose a defensive or blaming response to counteract his or her accusations. Or, some combination of these and other circumstances may have occurred that result in blame as one of the coping mechanisms for ourselves or the other person.

At these times when we choose to blame, we actually have a moment of choice about how to proceed. Do we react or respond or leave it alone? Do we blame? Do we ask to have a conversation? Here are some more questions to ask yourself based on a conflict situation you are having or had where blaming is happening or has happened between you and the other person:

  • For what are you blaming the other person?
  • What makes his or her actions (words) offensive for you?
  • What choices do/did you have rather than blaming him or her (if you are)?
  • What response or responses that you could choose may serve you best of these various choices? Why that choice/those choices?
  • If you let go of blame, what may you replace it with that will be more constructive?
  • How may you have contributed to the dissension for which he or she is blaming you?
  • If you think you did not contribute, to what may the other person be reacting to about you, the issues and/or the situation?
  • How does blame help you as a coping mechanism?
  • What makes it challenging for you (if it does) to change any tendency to blame?

Any other comments about this topic and/or what other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may be helpful here?

Posted in Blame, Choice in Conflict | Leave a comment

Carrying the Weight of Conflict

Posted on February 28, 2012 by Cinnie Noble

Conflict can weigh us down and we limp along with it on our shoulders. These are the times we ask ourselves questions like, “Why did I get into that fight?”, or “What was I trying to prove?, or “What was she on about?”, or “Why did he get so upset?” In any case, when we care about the relationship, the weight usually feels heavier than when we don’t. The questions we ask ourselves at these times are often negative, self-limiting or self-serving.

Here are some other questions to ask yourself when you find yourself weighed down by your conflicts. Consider one that was or is a heavy weight for you and see if your answers shed some light on the weight you are carrying.

  • What was or is weighing you down about that particular conflict?
  • What may be the reasons for that?
  • What do or did you care about most about this conflict?
  • How would you describe the weight?
  • What if anything, may you be carrying around from a previous situation or the relationship with the other person that adds weight to this one?
  • When you hold onto the things from conflicts that seem to weigh you down, what words describe what that feels like?
  • What do you think you are carrying around at these times that you would like to let go of?
  • What themes are there if any, about the types of conflicts or the person(s) in those happenings, that seem to feel heavier than others?
  • What choices do you have about how to lighten the load that you haven’t tried before?

Any other comments about this topic and/or what other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may work for those who carry the weight of conflict?

Posted in Choice in Conflict, Post-Conflict, Resilience | 2 Comments

Decision-Making in Interpersonal Conflict

Posted on February 21, 2012 by Cinnie Noble

When we’re in conflict, there are many decisions to be made during and after it is over. Even when we anticipate dissension, there are decisions to make about how to effectively engage in the interaction. Our ability to make any sort of decision about conflictual  matters and the relationship dynamic decrease the more upset we become. For various reasons in the heat of the moment we often seem to think it is necessary to do or say something, rather than taking a ‘time-out’ to decide the optimum way forward. This can lead to reactions that we recall later as being ill-conceived, embarrassing and poorly timed.

What we blurt out without thinking during a conflict may be a need to defend, retaliate or assert our perspective, or to make the other person wrong. We generally don’t think we have choices at these times. However, the quest here is to consider how to make decisions about how to or whether to engage the other person, so we won’t agonize about them afterwards. As you answer the questions below, please think of a time when you reacted to a conflictual interaction in a way that was not productive and the conflict ended in a less than satisfactory way:

  • What did you say or do that didn’t work for you or the other person?
  • How did you decide to say or do that?
  • At what point may you have decided on a different response?
  • What may you have chosen to say or do instead?
  • What do you suppose kept you from doing so that time?
  • What would have been different if you had taken that different response?
  • What did you learn from that interaction?
  • Based on this learning, what decision do you intend to make the next time you are in a similar situation?
  • What choices would there be to ensure that happens?
  • What is it like for you to look at your conflictual interactions from this vantage point – about having choices to decide how to respond?

Are there any other comments about this topic and/or what other Conflict Mastery™ Quest(ions) you would add?

Posted in Choice in Conflict, Decisions | 4 Comments

Being Clear About Outcomes When In Disputes

Posted on February 14, 2012 by Cinnie Noble

When emotions prevail during interpersonal conflict, many of us cannot easily think ahead to what we want as an outcome. If we acknowledge that possibility, we may do some preparatory work before we initiate a potentially conflictual discussion or get caught up in the middle of one. If we engage in some preliminary reflections, our actions and words will more likely be aligned with our objective. Otherwise, the likelihood of chaotic thinking and feelings is high and we end up conducting ourselves in ways that are unproductive and inconsistent with what we want to have happen.

These ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) are about the situations when we are not clear about or have not thought out the outcome we desire. It makes sense to request some time before conversing to be able to get our emotions and thoughts in perspective at these times, to regain our equilibrium. When considering the following questions, please think of a dispute you had when you lost clarity of what you wanted as an outcome:

  • Now that you look back on the conflict, what outcome did you want?
  • At what point in the dispute were you not clear about what you wanted as an outcome (i.e. before it erupted, when it began, during the conflict, after, other)?
  • What was the first sign for you that your emotions were clouding your ability to think out what you wanted to have happen?
  • What emotion(s) were you experiencing at that time?
  • At what point do you think you may you have been able to regain a sense of equilibrium and clarity?
  • What do you suppose got in the way of that happening?
  • In what ways were the resulting outcomes close to and far off from what you hoped for?
  • What worked well about the eventual outcome in any case?
  • What didn’t work so well about the outcome?
  • What did you learn about what you could do next time you are in an interpersonal conflict?

Please feel free to add any other comments about this topic and/or what other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may work here.

Posted in Consequences, Decisions, Emotions in Conflict, Post-Conflict | Leave a comment