It occurs to me that there are common “interpersonal dispute equations”. Here’s one of them. It is straightforward and yet, complex in its seeming simplicity. It goes something like:

You hurt me + I hurt you back = Dispute

A more specific example might be: “You blamed me for making a mistake that cost us money” + “I accused you of being a bully and taking no responsibility for your part” = dispute.

Or, of course, it could be reversed – I hurt you + you hurt me back = dispute.

For instance: “I didn’t include you in the get together” + “You hurt me back by telling me I was inconsiderate and selfish” = dispute.

Not only is it challenging to step back (Stepping Back in Conflict) before reacting when we are offended by what someone says or does. It is also difficult to maintain grace and composure and not become defensive in the moment. The need to be right, to retaliate and many other variables seem to preclude an equation that adds a positive part, leading to a more positive result – like problem solving.

An example – referring to the first equation above – may be instead: “You blamed me for making a mistake that cost us money” + I say “You are right. I thought I was helping the situation. How can I rectify this?” = problem solving.

With this in mind, this week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog asks you to consider a situation in which you added to the dispute equation by reacting and initiating a conflict.

• When you bring to mind a dispute in which you reacted negatively to something someone said or did, how would you describe the dispute equation?
• What might you have said differently to express your reaction that may have been better received and led to problem solving?
• What might the other person have said differently to express what provoked her or him about you – that you may have received better?
• Looking at another dispute – one that you initiated – how would you describe that equation (starting with what you said or did that started things)?
• How might the other person describe the equation – considering her or his perspective on your part?
• What did the other person read into your intentions that seemed to upset her or him most?
• How might you have more effectively raised the issue that resulted in the dispute equation you described?
• What do you think the ingredients are of a problem solving equation instead of a dispute one?
• What other tips do you have about ways to keep the equation a problem solving one rather than a dispute initiating one?
• In what ways does this notion of examining the equation resonate for you?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

Recently, I saw a cute expression that made me smile. It went something like, “I found your nose. It was in my business.” I also thought though that the action of others who don’t mind their own business isn’t something we smile about. In fact, a recent coaching client identified this sort of behaviour as a trigger for her. That is, one of the goals she brought to coaching was wanting to frame a difficult conversation with a co-worker she calls “nosy”. Despite many efforts asking her colleague to “mind her own business”, the behaviour hasn’t stopped. Apparently, it has become increasingly intrusive.

When considering why people “nose” into others’ lives, my client pondered a number of possibilities. For instance, she wondered if it’s a way to bond, or the person is unhappy with her life. She reflected, too, that maybe the co-worker is “just plain snoopy” because she’s bored. More negative assumptions focused on the co-worker trying to get information – to gossip with others about my client’s personal or professional life, or to sabotage her career goals.

This is not the first time – and undoubtedly won’t be the last – when clients (or friends and colleagues) react to others who seem to want to make our business their own. If this behaviour is a trigger for you or if someone has reacted to you with words that indicate she or he sees you as minding their business, the questions for this week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog might help unpack this sort of provocation.

• When you have reacted to someone who seems to be sticking her or his nose into your business, what specifically is she or he doing at those times?
• Considering one of those times, what do you think her or his intentions were?
• What bothers you most about this person minding your business?
• How else does her or his actions have an impact on you and your relationship with her or him?
• What are the challenges in letting the person know how you are experiencing their behaviour?
• What might you say to the person provoking you with her or his nosiness in your business that might stop the behaviour and be well received?
• If you have been accused by someone of not minding your own business, what were you doing that seemed to provoke her or him most?
• What were your intentions?
• What might the person say to you to let you know she or he does not like what you are doing (that she or he interprets as nosey) that you would receive well?
• When, for you, do actions cross a line from curiosity and interest to nosiness? Why is that?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

When it comes to interpersonal conflict it is important to consider the strength of our coping mechanisms before engaging in the challenging conversations that erupt at these times. We all cope in different ways and our ability to manage conflict depends on how good we are feeling in general. It’s often contingent, too, on our ability to regulate our emotions and shift our mindset under stress.

One of the variables of conflict intelligence then, is how well we take care of ourselves. Fatigue, lack of exercise, poor eating habits, not cultivating self-awareness or perspective taking, and letting ourselves get run down all contribute to how we react. Without self-care the stress and strain we are already experiencing in our hearts and minds and bodies contribute to the unnecessary escalation of conflict. That is, when we are not taking care of ourselves, we are more apt to initiate and react poorly to interactions that have the potential of reeling out of control. Our usual defense mechanisms are out of whack and we seem to lack the wherewithal to take a break to reduce our reactions and reflect on the dynamic before responding.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog asks you to consider a dispute that escalated unnecessarily due to your contribution that might have been fuelled by lack of self-care.

• What was the dispute about?
• How did you react that was not consistent with your preferred way of being in conflict?
• How were you not caring for yourself at this time?
• How did that lack of caring manifest itself in addition to the reaction you referred to (in response to the second question)?
• How do you know it was lack of self-care that had a negative impact on the interaction? Why were you not caring for yourself?
• What was the impact for you of realizing you contributed to the dispute unnecessarily?
• What was the impact of the dispute erupting for the other person?
• What could you have done differently?
• What would it take for you to be better to yourself so that, among other things, you are better able to engage in conflict?
• What might you do at the time conflict appears to show self-care?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

One of the difficult things to do when we feel undermined and challenged by what someone says or does is to step back before reacting. Our amygdala is ‘hijacked’ and the wherewithal to think before reacting seems to escape us.

The instinct to defend ourselves, to retaliate, to hurt back, to make the other person wrong – whatever our reactions may be – often trumps reasoning first. This whole scenario commonly results then, in back and forth barbs between the other person and us that are unproductive and, at times, destructive. Or, we choose to avoid the other person in hopes the dissension will reconcile itself with time.

What is especially difficult when we are triggered is to literally gain distance from the dynamic to be able to reflect before we respond. This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to consider a situation in which you reacted rather than stepping back.

• What is the situation?
• To what did you react that the other person said or did?
• What specifically (in more detail) was it about that which made it especially challenging to step back from?
• How did you react?
• What about your reaction was most unproductive for the other person, as you observed it?
• If you were to have stepped back, what might you have considered, on reflection, that hadn’t occurred to you at the time you reacted?
• What could you have said to establish some space and time before responding?
• What would you step ‘to’ instead of ‘into’?
• What difference would that have made (your answer to the previous question)?
• As you consider the choice you have – to step back before responding – how is doing so a real possibility for next time? How will you remind yourself to step back?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

I really like this expression – finding our voice – and in discussing it with friends I realize it has different meanings depending on the person and the context. As a mediator and conflict management coach I have experienced how these processes facilitate communications in a way that gives people in conflict an opportunity to convey difficult messages – to find their voices. Most often they say they don’t believe they are being heard at these times or that they can articulate what’s on their mind.

Recently I asked some people what they think the expression – finding your voice – means, and here are some things I heard:

“saying what is on my mind and not being afraid to say it”

“being honest and forthright with what I want to tell someone”

“being active in a conversation”

“not holding back my hurts for fear of offending someone”

“not letting others take over the conversation because they seem more confident”

“being okay with not having a popular opinion”

“being less accommodating”

I came to realize how it isn’t only saying what needs to be said if conflict is to be resolved. It’s also being able to hear the other person’s perspective and to respond effectively. Having said that, not all conflicts are necessarily ones that have mutually satisfactory resolutions and the most that disputants may want – to be able to walk away with inner reconciliation – is to find the voice to say what they know – in their gut – has to be said.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to consider what this expression – finding your voice – means to you within the context of a dispute you are in or have had.

• Generally-speaking, what does the expression “find your voice” mean to you?
• What is (was) a dispute about where you haven’t found (didn’t find) your voice using this definition?
• What are (were) you reluctant to say in that dispute?
• Why are (were) you reluctant to say that (your answer to the previous question)?
• What do (did) you lose by not saying this?
• What did the other person lose because you didn’t find your voice?
• What might you gain (or have gained) by finding your voice?
• What might the other person gain (have gained)?
• Where did your voice go that you can’t (couldn’t) find it?
• What might it take for you to ensure you find your voice in your conflicts?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?