One of the difficult things to do when we feel undermined and challenged by what someone says or does is to step back before reacting. Our amygdala is ‘hijacked’ and the wherewithal to think before reacting seems to escape us.

The instinct to defend ourselves, to retaliate, to hurt back, to make the other person wrong – whatever our reactions may be – often trumps reasoning first. This whole scenario commonly results then, in back and forth barbs between the other person and us that are unproductive and, at times, destructive. Or, we choose to avoid the other person in hopes the dissension will reconcile itself with time.

What is especially difficult when we are triggered is to literally gain distance from the dynamic to be able to reflect before we respond. This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to consider a situation in which you reacted rather than stepping back.

• What is the situation?
• To what did you react that the other person said or did?
• What specifically (in more detail) was it about that which made it especially challenging to step back from?
• How did you react?
• What about your reaction was most unproductive for the other person, as you observed it?
• If you were to have stepped back, what might you have considered, on reflection, that hadn’t occurred to you at the time you reacted?
• What could you have said to establish some space and time before responding?
• What would you step ‘to’ instead of ‘into’?
• What difference would that have made (your answer to the previous question)?
• As you consider the choice you have – to step back before responding – how is doing so a real possibility for next time? How will you remind yourself to step back?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

I really like this expression – finding our voice – and in discussing it with friends I realize it has different meanings depending on the person and the context. As a mediator and conflict management coach I have experienced how these processes facilitate communications in a way that gives people in conflict an opportunity to convey difficult messages – to find their voices. Most often they say they don’t believe they are being heard at these times or that they can articulate what’s on their mind.

Recently I asked some people what they think the expression – finding your voice – means, and here are some things I heard:

“saying what is on my mind and not being afraid to say it”

“being honest and forthright with what I want to tell someone”

“being active in a conversation”

“not holding back my hurts for fear of offending someone”

“not letting others take over the conversation because they seem more confident”

“being okay with not having a popular opinion”

“being less accommodating”

I came to realize how it isn’t only saying what needs to be said if conflict is to be resolved. It’s also being able to hear the other person’s perspective and to respond effectively. Having said that, not all conflicts are necessarily ones that have mutually satisfactory resolutions and the most that disputants may want – to be able to walk away with inner reconciliation – is to find the voice to say what they know – in their gut – has to be said.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to consider what this expression – finding your voice – means to you within the context of a dispute you are in or have had.

• Generally-speaking, what does the expression “find your voice” mean to you?
• What is (was) a dispute about where you haven’t found (didn’t find) your voice using this definition?
• What are (were) you reluctant to say in that dispute?
• Why are (were) you reluctant to say that (your answer to the previous question)?
• What do (did) you lose by not saying this?
• What did the other person lose because you didn’t find your voice?
• What might you gain (or have gained) by finding your voice?
• What might the other person gain (have gained)?
• Where did your voice go that you can’t (couldn’t) find it?
• What might it take for you to ensure you find your voice in your conflicts?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

You have likely heard the expression “Say what you mean and mean what you say” and there are a number of references to its derivation. One of them may be found in Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland:

The Hatter opened his eyes very wide on hearing this; but all he said was, “Why is a raven like a writing-desk?”
“Come, we shall have some fun now!” thought Alice. “I’m glad they’ve begun asking riddles. — I believe I can guess that,” she added aloud.
“Do you mean that you think you can find out the answer to it?” said the March Hare.
“Exactly so,” said Alice.
“Then you should say what you mean,” the March Hare went on.
“I do,” Alice hastily replied; “at least–at least I mean what I say–that’s the same thing, you know.”
“Not the same thing a bit!” said the Hatter. “You might just as well say that ‘I see what I eat’ is the same thing as ‘I eat what I see’!”
“You might just as well say,” added the March Hare, “that ‘I like what I get’ is the same thing as ‘I get what I like’!”
“You might just as well say,” added the Dormouse, who seemed to be talking in his sleep, “that ‘I breathe when I sleep’ is the same thing as ‘I sleep when I breathe’!”

Another is from Dr. Seuss’ Horton Hatches the Egg:

I meant what I said,
and I said what I meant
An elephant’s faithful,
One hundred percent.

The words “say what you mean and mean what you say” arise in various occasions in our communications. And when it comes to conflict, they have, in my experience, come up when someone perceives another person is not being direct or honest about what she or he has to say. Or, she or he is perceived as misaligning words and actions. Or, the speaker’s words might appear dissonant to the listener. Or, it may even be an admonishment by someone who is urging another to just say what’s on their mind.

There are many reasons why we may not always say what we mean and mean what we say. Fear of offending or of reprisal, confusion, a way to test an idea, politeness combined with an accommodating style and so on. In any case, conflict can result when communications are not altogether clear or due to the apparent mismatching of message and intent.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog asks you to consider a time you have not said what you meant and meant what you said.

• What is the situation?
• What did you say that wasn’t what you meant?
• What did you mean?
• What kept you from expressing that (your answer to the previous question)?
• What was the other person’s perception, as far as you know?
• How did it feel – not saying what you meant and meaning what you said?
• How did it work for you?
• How did it work against your hopes?
• On a scale of 1-10 (1 being not at all and 10 being a great deal) how would you rate your desire to have conveyed your message with the intended meaning?
• What would it have taken for you to say what you meant and be perceived as meaning what you said – if your score for the previous question was more than 1?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?