I really like this expression – finding our voice – and in discussing it with friends I realize it has different meanings depending on the person and the context. As a mediator and conflict management coach I have experienced how these processes facilitate communications in a way that gives people in conflict an opportunity to convey difficult messages – to find their voices. Most often they say they don’t believe they are being heard at these times or that they can articulate what’s on their mind.

Recently I asked some people what they think the expression – finding your voice – means, and here are some things I heard:

“saying what is on my mind and not being afraid to say it”

“being honest and forthright with what I want to tell someone”

“being active in a conversation”

“not holding back my hurts for fear of offending someone”

“not letting others take over the conversation because they seem more confident”

“being okay with not having a popular opinion”

“being less accommodating”

I came to realize how it isn’t only saying what needs to be said if conflict is to be resolved. It’s also being able to hear the other person’s perspective and to respond effectively. Having said that, not all conflicts are necessarily ones that have mutually satisfactory resolutions and the most that disputants may want – to be able to walk away with inner reconciliation – is to find the voice to say what they know – in their gut – has to be said.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to consider what this expression – finding your voice – means to you within the context of a dispute you are in or have had.

• Generally-speaking, what does the expression “find your voice” mean to you?
• What is (was) a dispute about where you haven’t found (didn’t find) your voice using this definition?
• What are (were) you reluctant to say in that dispute?
• Why are (were) you reluctant to say that (your answer to the previous question)?
• What do (did) you lose by not saying this?
• What did the other person lose because you didn’t find your voice?
• What might you gain (or have gained) by finding your voice?
• What might the other person gain (have gained)?
• Where did your voice go that you can’t (couldn’t) find it?
• What might it take for you to ensure you find your voice in your conflicts?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

You have likely heard the expression “Say what you mean and mean what you say” and there are a number of references to its derivation. One of them may be found in Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland:

The Hatter opened his eyes very wide on hearing this; but all he said was, “Why is a raven like a writing-desk?”
“Come, we shall have some fun now!” thought Alice. “I’m glad they’ve begun asking riddles. — I believe I can guess that,” she added aloud.
“Do you mean that you think you can find out the answer to it?” said the March Hare.
“Exactly so,” said Alice.
“Then you should say what you mean,” the March Hare went on.
“I do,” Alice hastily replied; “at least–at least I mean what I say–that’s the same thing, you know.”
“Not the same thing a bit!” said the Hatter. “You might just as well say that ‘I see what I eat’ is the same thing as ‘I eat what I see’!”
“You might just as well say,” added the March Hare, “that ‘I like what I get’ is the same thing as ‘I get what I like’!”
“You might just as well say,” added the Dormouse, who seemed to be talking in his sleep, “that ‘I breathe when I sleep’ is the same thing as ‘I sleep when I breathe’!”

Another is from Dr. Seuss’ Horton Hatches the Egg:

I meant what I said,
and I said what I meant
An elephant’s faithful,
One hundred percent.

The words “say what you mean and mean what you say” arise in various occasions in our communications. And when it comes to conflict, they have, in my experience, come up when someone perceives another person is not being direct or honest about what she or he has to say. Or, she or he is perceived as misaligning words and actions. Or, the speaker’s words might appear dissonant to the listener. Or, it may even be an admonishment by someone who is urging another to just say what’s on their mind.

There are many reasons why we may not always say what we mean and mean what we say. Fear of offending or of reprisal, confusion, a way to test an idea, politeness combined with an accommodating style and so on. In any case, conflict can result when communications are not altogether clear or due to the apparent mismatching of message and intent.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog asks you to consider a time you have not said what you meant and meant what you said.

• What is the situation?
• What did you say that wasn’t what you meant?
• What did you mean?
• What kept you from expressing that (your answer to the previous question)?
• What was the other person’s perception, as far as you know?
• How did it feel – not saying what you meant and meaning what you said?
• How did it work for you?
• How did it work against your hopes?
• On a scale of 1-10 (1 being not at all and 10 being a great deal) how would you rate your desire to have conveyed your message with the intended meaning?
• What would it have taken for you to say what you meant and be perceived as meaning what you said – if your score for the previous question was more than 1?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

We may not think the word ‘necessary’ is one that would qualify the word ‘conflict’. However, especially in our interdependent relationships, the importance of raising issues that are important to us – even if they conflict with the other person’s perspective – cannot be overstated. It is, after all, how we discover one another’s values, interests, needs, hopes, expectations and beliefs. If we want our relationships to thrive, sharing these integral parts of who we are is necessary. Otherwise, among other things, our knowledge of and connection to each other is limited and superficial.

All of what I’ve said so far likely makes sense, at least in theory. Even though we accept the above premise, it is often the nature of the delivery of our messages, our receipt of the other person’s, and our response to them that results in high levels of friction and emotions – leaving us questioning the necessity of the conflict. That is, anything necessary to be learned about one another and ourselves in our relationship can be easily missed if we don’t step back early on and consider what we are hearing, what the other person wants us to hear, and what we want the other person to hear about what is important to us.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog asks you to consider a dispute with someone that seemed unnecessary and remains unresolved.

• What is the dispute about?
• What is unnecessary about it, in your view?
• What remains unresolved for you? What might remain unresolved for her or him?
• To what did you specifically react that the other person said or did? How did you react?
• What important need, value, hope, etc. of yours do you think the other person didn’t hear?
• To what did the other person specifically react that you said or did? How did she or he react?
• What important need, value, hope, etc. might she or he have been expressing within her or his reaction?
• What else might you think is necessary for the other person to realize about you and what upset you?
• What else might be necessary for the other person – that she or he wants you to realize about what upset her or him?
• On reflection here, what was necessary about the conflict?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?