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Paying Forward Conflict Lessons

Posted on November 22, 2016 by Cinnie Noble

One day the man said to his long-time mentor, “Thank you for listening to me and my side of our dispute and for disagreeing with me in the gracious way you did. I am humbled”.

“You have shared your truth and I needed to know that, too”, the mentor replied.

The man went on and extended an apology saying, “I also appreciate you let me know how hurtful my perspective was for you and for some things I said – and I am sorry for that”.

“And I appreciate that you have now learned to acknowledge that it’s okay to have different views on matters that are important to each of us”, the mentor responded.

The man hugged his mentor and said, “Yes, I have learned so much from you about disputing and I will now pay that forward by remaining calm and respectful with others, and by listening as carefully and thoughtfully as you. But, I do have a final question. How did you remain so calm and respectful when I was being hurtful? You didn’t get angry at me”. The mentor answered, “I said to myself, at these times, that you must have deep pain in your heart to want to hurt someone who cares about you. I felt sadness for you – not anger towards you”.

  • What is the moral of this parable for you?
  • What emotions, if any, did the story raise in you?
  • What didn’t resonate for you in this parable, if anything. Why was that, do you think?
  • In the end, what lessons did the man learn from his mentor?
  • Which lesson or lessons might you want to also learn about conflict that this story raises for you?
  • What characteristics of the mentor do you most want to emulate? What characteristics of the man do you most want to emulate?
  • What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
  • What insights do you have?
Posted in Conflict Coaching, Conflict Management Coaching, Conflict Parable | 2 Comments

Too Little, Too Late

Posted on November 15, 2016 by Cinnie Noble

Sometimes, when we apologize for saying hurtful things during a conflict, the other person doesn’t accept the words we express. At these times, she or he might respond with the phrase “too little, too late”, or something to that effect, and we are taken aback. We may have thought our apology would patch things up, and we would both be able to move forward without any lingering acrimony. Or, we thought things were resolved but at a later time it appears that our apology didn’t really change the other person’s ill feelings towards us.

The reality is apologies don’t always work. For instance, there are times the apology – in whatever form it takes – comes too late. The damage is done and the other person is fed up, disgusted, saddened (and so on) and not able to accept an apology, much less any excuses for the offending behaviour. This sentiment is multiplied when that behaviour (words expressed, etc.) is a repetition of the same sort of unacceptable communications, etc.

Apologies might also feel like they are too little. This determination could be made when there is a perception that the words of the apologizer are insincere, that a too light-hearted approach is used, that the apology is brief, and that what is said gives short shrift to the gravity of the situation and just doesn’t fly as a conciliatory gesture.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to consider a time you apologized and it was too little and/or too late or you gave an apology that was apparently not experienced as effective for these reasons.

  • When someone apologized to you and you perceived it as ineffective, what was she or he apologizing for?
  • Did you experience it as too little or too late or both?
  • In what particular ways was it too little or too late or both?
  • In what other ways was the apology ineffective?
  • What else, if anything, about the way the apology was delivered contributed to a negative reaction in you?
  • What was your reaction?
  • When you have apologized to someone and you realized or heard from her or him that it was experienced as too little and/or too late or both, which was it?
  • How did the person react?
  • Why do you suppose, or what have you come to realize about why the person perceived your apology as such (your answer to the previous question)?
  • What do you now think you could have said or done that would have been more effective?
  • How might that have changed the outcome (your answer to the previous question)?
  • What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
  • What insights do you have?
Posted in Apologizing, Conflict Coaching, Conflict Management Coaching | Leave a comment

The Embittered Woman

Posted on November 8, 2016 by Cinnie Noble

This week the blog and the Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) focus on a parable about a disliked woman in a village who attracted a lot of attention in both her life and in her death.

There was an embittered woman who lived in a small village where everyone knew each other. This woman was crabby and seemed to repel anyone who came near her by criticizing and calling them rude names.

Over time, people walked on the other side of the street to avoid her. Some people said the old woman courted tension – created it, liked it, invited it.

Then one day, the woman died. Everyone in the small town went to the funeral and most people wept. The town folks talked among each other in grief-stricken ways and agreed the old woman would be missed for some reason they could not explain.

After the woman died, the townspeople began to fight with each other and there was conflict everywhere. Things were never the same without the woman who died.

Here are some questions to consider about this parable:

  • What is your reaction to this story?
  • What is surprising to you about this story?
  • How might the embittered woman have described the situation with the townspeople before she died?
  • What are your feelings about the woman?
  • What do you think the woman represents?
  • What do you think the woman needed, in your view, that she didn’t get? Why did you choose that need or those needs?
  • What do you think the townspeople needed that they didn’t get? Why did you choose that need or those needs?
  • What lesson is there in this parable for you?
  • What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
  • What insights do you have?
Posted in Conflict Coaching, Conflict Management Coaching, Conflict Parable | Leave a comment

Channeling the Conflict Masterful Version of You

Posted on November 1, 2016 by Cinnie Noble

Once we are triggered in a conflict our emotions typically escalate and we react in ways that can be counterproductive. This happens for us and for the other person – and together we create a crucible for potential chaos! Strange as it may sound though, we are on common ground at these times. That is, we share the experience of perceiving something important to us is being challenged or threatened by the other. At these times, among other things, we are often in blame mode; our amygdala is activated; and we say things we later regret.

In the unsettled state of mind interpersonal conflict perpetuates, our capacity for engaging in conflict masterfully is at a low point and we have trouble knowing where our conflict competencies have gone. How to channel those lost proficiencies and regain the skills and ability to manage ourselves in ways that are consistent with who we really want to be, seem to be lost in the chaos.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to consider a dispute in which you are or were not being conflict masterful and ask yourself how you could bring the best version of yourself to the situation.

  • What is or was the dispute about?
  • How are or were you reacting that you don’t like?
  • What provoked that particular reaction?
  • What about your reaction seems to be having or did have the most negative impact on the other person?
  • How did the other person react back?
  • As you consider this situation, what conflict proficiencies do you have that you didn’t apply at the time (if applicable)?
  • What precluded you from using that or those proficiencies?
  • If you were to channel that or those proficiencies, what would need to happen for you to be able to do so effectively? Or, which one(s) do or did you want to learn?
  • How does the notion of channeling one or more conflict proficiencies help you decide what you would do in this same situation if you had it to do over?
  • What is one proficiency you plan to strengthen when it comes to being in conflict that reflects a conflict masterful version of you?
  • What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
  • What insights do you have?
Posted in Conflict Coaching, Conflict Management Coaching | 2 Comments

Forgetting the Conflict

Posted on October 25, 2016 by Cinnie Noble

It sometimes seems that it is harder to move past some conflicts by forgetting the parts that had the greatest impact. Why some things linger is, at times, somewhat of a mystery, but one that is worthy of solving in order to increase our resilience and ability to let go of ongoing angst that is likely to emerge again in future conflicts.

The areas that stick with us and that remain unreconciled vary among us and may include words said, tone used, attitude demonstrated, actions taken, insults and accusations made, name-calling and so on. A history of repeated interactions of the same nature that might be considered in the mix can have an even larger impact as the repeated offenses grow and get added to the heavier baggage we then carry around.

There is no necessity to forget all things we experience in our conflicts. After all, they help build knowledge and wisdom about what we will and will not tolerate and also, the extent to which others honour our differences – using good faith and not bad will. However, continually feeling negativity about the other persons in our disputes – and ourselves in relation to them – can contribute to a number of destructive side effects such as reduced confidence, self-esteem, and belief in ourselves and our views, to name a few downsides.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to reflect on something you are not forgetting about a dispute.

  • What was the dispute about?
  • What specifically are you not forgetting?
  • What more specifically is it about that/those things (your answer to the previous question) that you are not forgetting?
  • Why do you want to forget it/them, if you do?
  • If you don’t want to forget it/them, why is that?
  • What lesson(s) did you learn from this dispute that are worth holding onto?
  • What would happen if you forgot the thing(s) that you have referred to?
  • What do you gain from not forgetting? What do you lose?
  • What might be staying with the other person about you that she or he is not forgetting?
  • On a scale of 1-10, how much do you want to let go of the things staying with you (10 is very much, 1 is not at all)? What informs your answer here?
  • What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
  • What insights do you have?
Posted in Conflict Coaching, Conflict Management Coaching | Leave a comment