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Necessary Conflict

Posted on January 10, 2017 by Cinnie Noble

We may not think the word ‘necessary’ is one that would qualify the word ‘conflict’. However, especially in our interdependent relationships, the importance of raising issues that are important to us – even if they conflict with the other person’s perspective – cannot be overstated. It is, after all, how we discover one another’s values, interests, needs, hopes, expectations and beliefs. If we want our relationships to thrive, sharing these integral parts of who we are is necessary. Otherwise, among other things, our knowledge of and connection to each other is limited and superficial.

All of what I’ve said so far likely makes sense, at least in theory. Even though we accept the above premise, it is often the nature of the delivery of our messages, our receipt of the other person’s, and our response to them that results in high levels of friction and emotions – leaving us questioning the necessity of the conflict. That is, anything necessary to be learned about one another and ourselves in our relationship can be easily missed if we don’t step back early on and consider what we are hearing, what the other person wants us to hear, and what we want the other person to hear about what is important to us.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog asks you to consider a dispute with someone that seemed unnecessary and remains unresolved.

  • What is the dispute about?
  • What is unnecessary about it, in your view?
  • What remains unresolved for you? What might remain unresolved for her or him?
  • To what did you specifically react that the other person said or did? How did you react?
  • What important need, value, hope, etc. of yours do you think the other person didn’t hear?
  • To what did the other person specifically react that you said or did? How did she or he react?
  • What important need, value, hope, etc. might she or he have been expressing within her or his reaction?
  • What else might you think is necessary for the other person to realize about you and what upset you?
  • What else might be necessary for the other person – that she or he wants you to realize about what upset her or him?
  • On reflection here, what was necessary about the conflict?
  • What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
  • What insights do you have?
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Conflict Resolutions for 2017

Posted on December 27, 2016 by Cinnie Noble

We at CINERGY® Coaching would like to wish you all the very best for 2017. May it be a peaceful, loving and joyful year for you and yours!

  1. This year I will remember we are all in this together.
  2. This year I will remain aware that I have a responsibility to do what is within my ability to make the world a more peaceful place.
  3. This year I will be grateful for those who teach me important lessons by letting me know when my actions and words do not align.
  4. This year I will be kinder to myself and others.
  5. This year I will not take myself too seriously.
  6. This year I will not judge.
  7. This year I will approach conflicts with humility and grace and remain true to myself.
  8. This year I will honour that others too want and need to be true to themselves.
  9. This year I will open my heart and mind wider and with more curiosity.
  10. This year I will celebrate our differences and take heart in the knowledge that we all have lots of room in our hearts to love more and to love deeply.

What are your conflict resolutions for next year?

Posted in Conflict Coaching, Conflict Management Coaching | 6 Comments

Split Second Reaction

Posted on December 20, 2016 by Cinnie Noble

If you read the great book Blink by Malcolm Gladwell – or even if you didn’t – you will undoubtedly understand the concept of first impressions – whether they are immediate reactions to tastes, sounds, words and other stimuli.

As a noun, the expression “split second” may be defined as: “1. an extremely small period of time; instant 2. made or arrived at in an infinitely short time – split-second decision 3. depending upon minute precision – split-second timing.”

This phenomenon and term may also apply to what initiates our interpersonal conflicts. That is, things that people say or do to which we quickly react – in a split second – seemingly without thought. At these times the common tendency is to let our emotions lead us. Our amygdala is hijacked, as Daniel Goleman says (Emotional Intelligence).

Unfortunately, split second reactions can get us into trouble. Once we blurt out our emotional response, things can quickly escalate. Sometimes we cannot reign ourselves in and words – we later regret – spill out. We make quick judgments and assumptions that may be incorrect; historical unresolved (or even resolved) conflicts might get raised; and we often go to blame and other negative places.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to contemplate a dispute when you had a split second reaction.

  • What did the other person say or do to which you had a split second reaction?
  • What did you say or do in your reaction?
  • What were you experiencing emotionally at that time?
  • What did you assume about the other person’s reasons for what she or he said or did?
  • What do you know for sure was correct about your assumption(s)? What wasn’t?
  • What were the consequences of reacting so quickly?
  • Considering the definition of “split second” and the notion of quick reactions, what most resonates about how you reacted?
  • In what ways do you think your “split second” reaction was warranted?
  • What did you discover – after you reacted – that indicated that your “split second” reaction was not warranted?
  • How might you have stopped yourself from reacting?
  • What got in your way of stopping yourself?
  • What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
  • What insights do you have?
Posted in Conflict Coaching, Conflict Management Coaching, Reactions | 2 Comments

“Lighten Up”

Posted on December 13, 2016 by Cinnie Noble

You may have heard someone say “lighten up” to you when you are upset in or about a conflict. At these times, the speaker is typically picking up our seriousness, intensity and/or negative feelings and seems to think telling us to “lighten up” will change our experience of the conflict.

I don’t know about you, but I experience the phrase “lighten up” like the one “calm down”. They both have a somewhat patronizing tone to them. More so, it is unlikely that we can simply turn off our emotions on command! And it is very possible that our strong reaction or our conflicts signals that we have some learning to do about ourselves, the other person, and the matters that are causing friction between us. So, it is more important, in my view, that we listen especially hard to ourselves at these times, including the emotions we are feeling.

When I think about what propels someone to say a phrase like “lighten up” though, it occurs to me that they are more likely reacting to the mood created for them by the tension. Perhaps, they are uncomfortable with our bleakness and negativity and want it all to stop.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog asks you to consider a situation when someone said something to you like “lighten up” and you found it annoying.

  • To what – that you were saying or doing – was the person reacting when she or he said “lighten up” (or a similar phrase), urging you to change your reaction or mood?
  • What specifically were you experiencing from the conflict that resulted in the reaction or mood about which the person commented?
  • How did you feel when the person urged you to “lighten up” or whatever phrase she or he used?
  • How did it help when she or he said “lighten up” (or other statement)? How was it not helpful?
  • How did you respond?
  • What did you need from the person urging you to “lighten up”, rather than that or the statement expressed?
  • What did that person need from you? Why do you suppose she or he needed that?
  • What, generally, helps you to get over and past the mood or reaction you feel when in conflict?
  • What would have been a preferable comment for someone to say to you in that conflict, rather than what the person said?
  • If you tend to use expressions like “lighten up” to others, what might you say instead if you prefer not to do so?
  • What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
  • What insights do you have?
Posted in Conflict Coaching, Conflict Management Coaching, Emotions in Conflict | Leave a comment

Planning for Plan B in Conflict

Posted on December 6, 2016 by Cinnie Noble

It helps in our efforts to become conflict masterful to be prepared when we anticipate conflict could erupt. This might occur for reasons such as when we know we have offended someone and that she or he has asked to talk to us. We might ourselves want to raise an issue we know will be difficult for the other person, possibly leading to a conflict. This could be due to an event, action or words in which she or he expressed something or acted in a way that upset us. Or, it could be that the other person is unaware we are about to introduce a matter which she or he does not expect.

How to respond to or initiate difficult conversations can arouse unsettling feelings – such that we might put them off indefinitely, soften our words to the extent they lose their meaning and intent, accommodate the other person by taking on the responsibility that is not ours to own, and so on.

I will refer to Plan A as the initial methodical way of preparing what we want to say and how, as well as how we want to respond to the other person’s possible words and reactions to us. It’s a good exercise and one that helps build confidence and comfort for the anticipated challenges. It also builds insights by stepping into the other person’s shoes to effectively anticipate what she or he is likely to say.

Plan B is still a methodical way of preparing ourselves. It contemplates if things do not evolve the way we hope Plan A is intended.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to consider Plan A and B about a difficult conversation ahead for you – which you are initiating and/or responding to.

  • What situation comes to mind that you anticipate will be a challenging conversation? Will you be initiating it or on the receiving end of someone else doing so?
  • What are you most worried about?
  • What are the messages you plan to convey in either case (as initiator or on the receiving end)?
  • How do you want to be and be perceived?
  • What else does the preparation for Plan A entail?
  • What makes Plan A the optimal way for the initial interaction?
  • If Plan A goes the way you intend, what is the anticipated outcome?
  • What challenges are there with Plan A that you have yet to work out?
  • What is Plan B, if Plan A doesn’t work as you hope?
  • What are the pros of Plan B? What are the cons?
  • What more do you need right now before either Plan A or B unfolds?
  • What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
  • What insights do you have?
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