GUILT: THE GIFT THAT KEEPS ON GIVING
I laughed when I read this quote by Erma Bombeck! Even though it’s hard to consider guilt a gift, I have come to see how it can be when it comes to learning about ourselves and our relationship with ourselves when encountering interpersonal conflicts.
Though I’m a conflict specialist, having worked in the field of conflict management for over 30 years, I admit I don’t always manage my own conflicts as well as I could! For example, I sometimes experience guilt about things I said that I cannot take back. Or I might not own my part of the conflict – not recognizing my part till I have let go of blame. Or I might not be totally honest with the other person, for fear of hurting them. I hear these sorts of sentiments and more from my clients, too – leading to ongoing feelings, of all sorts, including guilt.
How are these feelings of guilt a gift? I’ve come to think of them personally and professionally as important lessons about what to do differently next time. And what to work on to prevent unnecessary conflict, to prevent hurting someone else and to prevent hurting ourselves. Guilt is a reminder that we contribute to the disputes we are involved in – even if we remain silent, even if we apologize, even if we forgive and so on. Essentially then, guilt puts up signposts for us to learn from including how to engage more effectively in our relational conflicts going forward. Guilt also holds up signposts that reflect a need to apologize, to clear the air, to move forward less encumbered by negative feelings and so on.
This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog then, discusses some ways guilt shows up for you and how it’s a gift that keeps on giving even though you might not consider guilt a gift!! The following questions are most helpful if you consider a dispute about which you are continuing to feel guilt.
- What is/was the dispute about?
- What did you say or do that is causing you to feel guilty?
- What prompted you to say or do that which resulted in those feelings of guilt?
- What emotions were you experiencing at the time of the incident?
- What reaction from the other person seemed to have added to your guilt ?
- What do you wish you had said or done instead? What do you suppose kept you from these alternate ideas of what you could have said or done?
- What did you learn, if anything, from your reaction and feelings of guilt?
- What other gifts have you gained – besides what you just answered (in the previous question) about what you learned from your reactions and feelings of guilt?
- How will the gifts you gained in this situation positively impact you in future disputes?
- How then has guilt in this situation been a gift that keeps on giving?
- What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
- What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?
Join Us
