It is commonly the case that when we share our conflicts with others the account of what occurred does not accurately reflect the real situation. That is, what we said and how we said it are not necessarily conveyed exactly how things unfolded. What we said is morphed into self-serving statements of what we wished we said, for instance.

Similarly, we might attribute things to the other person that are not an accurate reflection of what was actually conveyed by her or him. Rather, the comments are more based on assumptions and interpretations. Or, it may be we have a need to blame the other person and get the support of those with whom we share the incident.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to bring to mind a dispute you recently had with a friend, co-worker, family member, boss or other person when answering the following questions.

• What happened?
• What did the other person say that upset you most?
• What assumptions are you making about the other person? How, more specifically, are you interpreting her or his motives?
• What reasons for her or his words make most sense given the issues in dispute and your relationship?
• What is the truth about the part you played in the interaction that you left out of the initial retelling of the situation?
• What didn’t you say or do that you wished you had during the dispute?
• What are you most regretful about saying?
• What might the other person regret most regarding her or his part?
• If you had it to do over, what would you say or do differently?
• What else is true that remains unsaid so far, if anything?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

For this final week of August (during some summer holiday time), please find below the eighth most popular blog from 2016. If you are inclined, please provide your comments on why you think this one was so well-received.

GOSSIP AND CONFLICT

Gossip is undoubtedly a universal activity and one that has been historically considered an aid to social bonding. It’s often through gossip that we learn about each other, possibly leading to the realization that we share common backgrounds, values, beliefs and interests that may provide a sense of belonging and friendship.

Gossip in organizations may also inform employees what sort of behaviour is acceptable and unacceptable, and learning news from the office ‘grapevine’ often avoids being blindsided. That is, gossip may help prepare staff to constructively engage in discussions regarding upcoming announcements that have an impact on them.

Having considered several positive outcomes of gossip, it is necessary to also consider how this practice is frequently destructive and leads to conflict. That is, gossip is commonly an exaggeration or fabrication about a person and situation. Those who engage in gossip might, for instance, paint a picture of others that taints their personal and professional lives. It can tarnish careers, personal relationships and reputations. It can embarrass, cause shame and demean people who have no way of defending themselves.

The motivation of those who initiate gossip of this nature is not always evident. Is it to be part of the group? Is it to feel better by putting others down? Is it due to mean-spiritedness? Is it due to jealousy? Only the gossiper knows the reason – and not always consciously. However, even when we participate in the discussion that others initiate, we are complicit and essentially, condone the ‘bad-mouthing’. When conflict emerges, as a consequence, we can be seen as part of the problem.

If you tend to be a gossiper, or regularly engage in gossip that undermines others (whether or not you initiate it), please consider the following questions. It helps to start by bringing to mind a situation in which you initiated a story about a co-worker (or boss, or friend, or family member), or you were told about a situation and participated in a discussion about it.

• What is the story?
• What role did you play? ___ Initiator   ____ Participator (check which)
• What part (parts) of the story do you know for sure is (are) absolutely true? What part (parts) do you know is (are) absolutely not true, as far as you are aware?
• What part or parts are you unsure about its truth?
• If you shared the story in the first place (initiator), what motivated you to do so?
• What purpose did you achieve by sharing the gossip?
• If you participated in an ongoing discussion about the story (by asking questions and discussing the situation in detail – and not negating it or shutting it down), what motivated you to do so?
• As the person hearing the gossip, what did you want to say that you didn’t? What stopped you from saying that?
• What sorts of conflicts are you aware of that unfolded as a result of initiating the story or participating in it?
• In the end, what benefits were gained from the gossip? What are you specifically realizing is the downside of gossip that you hadn’t before?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

Originally posted February 23, 2016

In this summer time while I am taking some holidays, please find below the seventh most popular blog from 2016. If you are inclined, please provide your comments on why you think this one was so well-received.

FEELING OR BEING UNDERSTOOD IN CONFLICT

In the middle of an interpersonal conflict some of us do not feel we are understood, and that may be the case. However, it may also be that we are being understood. That is, the other person may understand our perspective but we don’t actually believe she or he emotionally relates to our experience, viewpoint and needs. This may be why there is a conflict in the first place. Or, such a dynamic might perpetuate the tension and negatively impact the relationship and the outcome.

If you are not feeling understood, check out the questions from this week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog and see if anything shifts in your reflections on this topic.

• What is the conflict about?
• What do you think the other person understands about your perspective?
• What do you think the other person doesn’t understand about your perspective?
• What do you think she or he understands about your feelings regarding the situation?
• What do you think she or he doesn’t understand about your feelings regarding the situation?
• What is most important to you that you want the other person to understand about you?
• What difference will it make if she or he understands that (your answer to the previous question)?
• What would the other person need to say or do for you to feel you are understood?
• If you asked the person to understand what is most important to you about the conflict between you, what would that sound like?
• If you asked her or him to understand the impact on you, what words would you use?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

Originally posted May 10, 2016

Below is the sixth most popular blog from 2016 (as I am taking a break for a few weeks). If you are inclined, please provide your comments on why you think this one was so well-received.

CHANNELING THE CONFLICT MASTERFUL VERSION OF YOU

Once we are triggered in a conflict our emotions typically escalate and we react in ways that can be counterproductive. This happens for us and for the other person – and together we create a crucible for potential chaos! Strange as it may sound though, we are on common ground at these times. That is, we share the experience of perceiving something important to us is being challenged or threatened by the other. At these times, among other things, we are often in blame mode; our amygdala is activated; and we say things we later regret.

In the unsettled state of mind interpersonal conflict perpetuates, our capacity for engaging in conflict masterfully is at a low point and we have trouble knowing where our conflict competencies have gone. How to channel those lost proficiencies and regain the skills and ability to manage ourselves in ways that are consistent with who we really want to be, seem to be lost in the chaos.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to consider a dispute in which you are or were not being conflict masterful and ask yourself how you could bring the best version of yourself to the situation.

• What is or was the dispute about?
• How are or were you reacting that you don’t like?
• What provoked that particular reaction?
• What about your reaction seems to be having or did have the most negative impact on the other person?
• How did the other person react back?
• As you consider this situation, what conflict proficiencies do you have that you didn’t apply at the time (if applicable)?
• What precluded you from using that or those proficiencies?
• If you were to channel that or those proficiencies, what would need to happen for you to be able to do so effectively? Or, which one(s) do or did you want to learn?
• How does the notion of channeling one or more conflict proficiencies help you decide what you would do in this same situation if you had it to do over?
• What is one proficiency you plan to strengthen when it comes to being in conflict that reflects a conflict masterful version of you?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

Originally posted November 1, 2016