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Giving Up Hope

Posted on August 8, 2017 by Cinnie Noble

For this second week of August (during some summer holiday time), please find below the fifth most popular blog from 2016. If you are inclined, please provide your comments on why you think this one was so well-received.

GIVING UP HOPE

One of my favourite quotes about forgiveness – in reference to situations of long ago – is by Lily Tomlin. It goes: “Forgiveness is giving up all hope of a better past”. There’s something profound, for me, about the idea of allowing ourselves to be hopeless about a conflictual situation or relationship that we continue to agonize about. Somehow replacing hopefulness with hopelessness strikes me as a more real place to be as time lapses and misery lingers.

Acknowledging that past disputes cannot be changed invites us to be relieved of the past anguish rather than reliving it. The reality is that for some of us no longer ruminating may not really be what we want.

In truth, it isn’t easy to forgive others for emotional pain we experience from some conflicts and put them behind us. This is often the case for the situations we had high hopes of resolving. However, I like the idea of honouring ourselves as fully capable of putting the past behind us and not letting the memories continue to define the present and future.

If you have a past conflict that you are holding onto – still hoping the situation and/or relationship could be resolved and mended – the following questions might be helpful.

  • What is the situation about that you are holding onto?
  • What is your hope with respect to that situation?
  • How might you rate the reality of that hope happening (your answer to the previous question), on a scale of 1-10, 10 being very realistic?
  • How is your lingering hope in that situation defining you in relation to the other person?
  • If you imagined not having that hope any longer, what would that feel like?
  • If you replaced the hopelessness with hopefulness for something else, what would you hope for instead?
  • What better future do you imagine for yourself without the weight of the past situation?
  • What does that feel like (your answer to the previous question)?
  • How would the better future you described previously have an impact on the other person? On your relationship with her or him?
  • What positive learning do you have from the past situation that will help you going forward?
  • What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
  • What insights do you have?

Originally posted April 5, 2016

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Silence – Golden? Not Necessarily

Posted on August 1, 2017 by Cinnie Noble

For this first week of August (during some summer holiday time), please find below the fourth most popular blog from 2016. If you are inclined, please provide your comments on why you think this one was so well-received.

SILENCE – GOLDEN? NOT NECESSARILY

The proverbial expression “silence is golden” is often used in circumstances where saying nothing is considered preferable to speaking. “As with many proverbs, the origin of this phrase is obscured by the mists of time. There are reports of versions of it dating back to Ancient Egypt. The first example of it in English is from the poet Thomas Carlyle, who translated the phrase from German in Sartor Resartus, 1831, in which a character expounds at length on the virtues of silence.”

Incidentally, the fuller version used in Carlyle’s writing is “speech is silver; silence is golden”, which is a phrase that is still sometimes used, although the shorter form is now more common.

When it comes to being in conflict, silence can, of course, be a positive response – when listening to the other person to take in her or his point of view, needs and expectations. Silence though is not always a positive response when it is perceived as dismissive, condescending, disinterest, avoiding, ignoring and other words that conjure up the perception of lack of engagement.

This week’s blog invites you to consider the use of silences in conflict – yours and the other person’s. Please consider both types of scenarios as you answer the following questions.

  • In a specific situation in which you chose to be silent, what was it about?
  • Why did you choose silence?
  • How did being silent positively work for you? For the other person?
  • What made using silence not the optimal choice for you? For the other person?
  • What did you say, if anything, when you spoke?
  • What happened in a conflict situation when the other person remained silent?
  • How did that positively work for you? What didn’t work?
  • What do you wish the other person had said that you would have preferred to remaining silent?
  • In general, when is silence not golden, from your viewpoint? When is silence golden?
  • What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
  • What insights do you have?

Originally posted October 4, 2016

 

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Split Second Reaction

Posted on July 25, 2017 by Cinnie Noble

Below is the third most popular blog from 2016 (as I am taking a break for a few weeks). If you are inclined, please provide your comments on why you think this one was so well-received.

SPLIT SECOND REACTION

If you read the great book Blink by Malcolm Gladwell – or even if you didn’t – you will undoubtedly understand the concept of first impressions – whether they are immediate reactions to tastes, sounds, words and other stimuli.

As a noun, the expression “split second” may be defined as: “1. an extremely small period of time; instant 2. made or arrived at in an infinitely short time – split-second decision 3. depending upon minute precision – split-second timing.”

This phenomenon and term may also apply to what initiates our interpersonal conflicts. That is, things that people say or do to which we quickly react – in a split second – seemingly without thought. At these times the common tendency is to let our emotions lead us. Our amygdala is hijacked, as Daniel Goleman says (Emotional Intelligence).

Unfortunately, split second reactions can get us into trouble. Once we blurt out our emotional response, things can quickly escalate. Sometimes we cannot reign ourselves in and words – we later regret – spill out. We make quick judgments and assumptions that may be incorrect; historical unresolved (or even resolved) conflicts might get raised; and we often go to blame and other negative places.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to contemplate a dispute when you had a split second reaction.

  • What did the other person say or do to which you had a split second reaction?
  • What did you say or do in your reaction?
  • What were you experiencing emotionally at that time?
  • What did you assume about the other person’s reasons for what she or he said or did?
  • What do you know for sure was correct about your assumption(s)? What wasn’t?
  • What were the consequences of reacting so quickly?
  • Considering the definition of “split second” and the notion of quick reactions, what most resonates about how you reacted?
  • In what ways do you think your “split second” reaction was warranted?
  • What did you discover – after you reacted – that indicated that your “split second” reaction was not warranted?
  • How might you have stopped yourself from reacting?
  • What got in your way of stopping yourself?
  • What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
  • What insights do you have?

Originally posted December 20, 2016

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Hurts in Conflict

Posted on July 18, 2017 by Cinnie Noble

In this summer time while I am taking some holidays, please find below the second most popular blog from 2016. If you are inclined, please provide your comments on why you think this one was so well-received.

HURTS IN CONFLICT

One of the reasons many of us have an aversion to conflict is because it has the potential for hurts – ours and others. In fact, it seems to be where our mind goes first when the possibility of a conflict looms – to the possibility of being hurt or hurting – and to the possibility the relationship will also suffer.

It takes self-awareness, courage and the desire to have authentic connections with others to initiate conversations that we believe may have an adverse impact on the other person and the relationship. Similarly, it takes these ingredients to receive and respond to others’ messages that hurt us. The serious consideration to make, however, is that the accumulation of hurtful interactions that are not raised undoubtedly take their toll in ways that stand to cause undue inner hurt.

Over time, the ties that bind us to people in our lives can wither without the honesty that conflict can engender (as counterintuitive as that may seem). We stand to lose the closeness, caring, respect and intimacy that comes with sharing what is important to us and hearing what is important to the other person, even if it surprises, disappoints and hurts. The relationship can otherwise end up being superficial – lacking in the depth of understanding and truthfulness that builds enduring relationships.

If you are afraid of raising an issue because you fear hurting the relationship and the other person, consider these reflective questions.

  • What is the situation?
  • What are you wondering about saying or doing that you believe may hurt the other person?
  • In what ways might the relationship be hurt if you say or do that (your answer to the previous question)?
  • What does hurt mean in this context?
  • In what ways may not saying or doing what you are thinking hurt the relationship?
  • How might not saying or doing what you have in mind be hurtful for you?
  • In what ways might saying or doing the hurtful comment(s) or deed(s) ultimately be helpful to the other person? To you?
  • What are the positive intentions behind the comment(s) and deed(s) you are considering? What is (or are) your need(s) under those intentions?
  • How might the potentially hurtful comment(s) or deed(s) be framed in a way that is or are consistent with your positive intentions?
  • What request may you make of the other person that reflects your intentions and needs?
  • What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
  • What insights do you have?

Originally posted on March 15, 2016

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Values Conflict

Posted on July 11, 2017 by Cinnie Noble

While I take some holiday time this summer I don’t want to lose my connection with you. So, for the next month I will be posting the four most popular blogs in 2016. If you are inclined, please provide your comments on why you think this one was so well-received. This is the first most popular:

‘VALUES CONFLICT’

It is common to attribute the term ‘values conflict’ as the reason for dissension between us and another person and we may say such conflicts are not resolvable. That’s true for some disputes, but I don’t believe all, and this week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog is about the sorts of differences that may seem irreconcilable.

In some research I did over 15 years ago, study group members identified that when they are provoked by something another person says or does they perceive a value, need or aspect of their identity is being undermined or threatened. The participants didn’t use those words per se but it was evident by the language they used that they felt that one or more of these aspects of their being was being challenged, and they reacted accordingly. As part of the research and ultimately, the development of the CINERGY® conflict management coaching model, the study group members also explored what aspects of the other person’s being they themselves might be challenging. Checking out the possible attributions – and assumptions being made – helped them (and continues to help my coaching clients) gain increased understanding of the conflict dynamic between the disputants.

The above research and its results indicated that having different values does not mean we cannot reconcile our differences. That is, if we perceive the other person is undermining our value of fairness, it doesn’t mean that our ideas of fairness have to be the same or of the same degree to be able to resolve our differences. Similarly, it doesn’t mean the other person is necessarily unfair or intends to be, but that we hold different perspectives on fairness.

Though having disparate values may not be reconcilable, it helps to explore what our respective beliefs are in relation to the issues in dispute and discuss how and in what way(s) they feel undermined. Doing so can result in an understanding that honours our differences – rather than operating on the basis that different values (apparently) necessarily make our conflicts irreconcilable.

If you are referring (or have referred) to a dispute you are having (or had) as a ‘values conflict’, consider the following questions:

  • What are you and the other person disputing about?
  • Which value (or values) of yours do you feel is (are) being challenged?
  • What specifically is the other person saying that leads you to your answer to the previous question?
  • Which value(s) of her or his do you see as disparate from yours?
  • How do you know that is the other person’s value or values (referring to your answer to the previous question)?
  • What value or values, if any, may the two of you share?
  • What do you not understand or accept about the other person’s value(s) as it (they) pertains to your dispute?
  • What might she or he not accept or understand about your value(s) in the dispute?
  • If it isn’t necessarily a ‘values conflict’, how else may you frame it?
  • What difference, if any, does that frame make (your answer to the above question)?
  • What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
  • What insights do you have?

Originally posted November 29, 2016

 

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