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Channeling the Conflict Masterful Version of You

Below is the sixth most popular blog from 2016 (as I am taking a break for a few weeks). If you are inclined, please provide your comments on why you think this one was so well-received.


Once we are triggered in a conflict our emotions typically escalate and we react in ways that can be counterproductive. This happens for us and for the other person – and together we create a crucible for potential chaos! Strange as it may sound though, we are on common ground at these times. That is, we share the experience of perceiving something important to us is being challenged or threatened by the other. At these times, among other things, we are often in blame mode; our amygdala is activated; and we say things we later regret.

In the unsettled state of mind interpersonal conflict perpetuates, our capacity for engaging in conflict masterfully is at a low point and we have trouble knowing where our conflict competencies have gone. How to channel those lost proficiencies and regain the skills and ability to manage ourselves in ways that are consistent with who we really want to be, seem to be lost in the chaos.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to consider a dispute in which you are or were not being conflict masterful and ask yourself how you could bring the best version of yourself to the situation.

  • What is or was the dispute about?
  • How are or were you reacting that you don’t like?
  • What provoked that particular reaction?
  • What about your reaction seems to be having or did have the most negative impact on the other person?
  • How did the other person react back?
  • As you consider this situation, what conflict proficiencies do you have that you didn’t apply at the time (if applicable)?
  • What precluded you from using that or those proficiencies?
  • If you were to channel that or those proficiencies, what would need to happen for you to be able to do so effectively? Or, which one(s) do or did you want to learn?
  • How does the notion of channeling one or more conflict proficiencies help you decide what you would do in this same situation if you had it to do over?
  • What is one proficiency you plan to strengthen when it comes to being in conflict that reflects a conflict masterful version of you?
  • What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
  • What insights do you have?

Originally posted November 1, 2016

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