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About Forgiving

Posted on October 25, 2011 by Cinnie Noble

Forgiving is complex. Among other things, forgiveness means being able to move on and not continue to hold on to the hurt and pain from a situation. Some people expect that once they apologize for something they said or did that they are forgiven. It’s not that easy. There are many layers to forgiveness, including how deep the hurt, the nature of the deed or words that hurt us, who asks for forgiveness and how forgiveness is requested. When we seem to be unable to forgive, we may not be ready to let go of certain emotions about the other person or the situation. Maybe, we are not or willing to do so because the other person’s actions are so egregious. Maybe, we haven’t forgiven ourselves for something. These and other reasons preclude our willingness, ability and readiness to forgive.

In a future blog, I’ll talk more about the perspective of the person asking for forgiveness. Today’s ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) are for people who are not forgiving someone for something said or done in an interpersonal dispute. Consider a situation in which this applies to you and see if some or all of these questions are helpful:

  • What specifically is it that you are not forgiving?
  • What is making it difficult for you to forgive?
  • What impact is not forgiving having on you?
  • What impact is not forgiving having on the other person?
  • Forgiving may not be what you want to do. If that’s what is happening for you, why do you think that may be the case?
  • How would life be different if you forgive the other person?
  • What may you lose and what may you gain if you do?
  • What may you lose or gain if you do not forgive him or her?
  • What do you suppose has to happen for you to be ready to forgive the other person, if you want to?
  • What has to happen for you to be willing to forgive him or her, if you want to?
  • What has to happen for you to be able to forgive him or her, if you want to?

If you have other comments about this topic and other questions to add, please do so.

Posted in Post-Conflict | Leave a comment

Conflict Resolution Readiness

Posted on October 18, 2011 by Cinnie Noble

So often we embark on a difficult communication or react to a conflict situation by trying to discuss it, before we or the other person are ready. Anxiety to resolve the issues, a desire to get past the high emotions, a need to make amends and other reasons compel many of us to dive in prematurely to talk things out. On the other hand, we may tend to wait too long before we reach out and find our efforts are perceived as ‘too little too late’, despite our good intentions.

These considerations work both ways of course, and poor timing whether too early or too late, has an impact on how amenable the other person or we will be to having a conversation about a conflict situation. In either case, contemplating how and when and whether to discuss an incident takes some reflection. This week’s blog asks you to think about one situation when you approached the other person when you realized it was too early and one when it was too late.

  • When you approached the other person before he or she was ready, what happened?
  • How did you determine the timing?
  • When another person has ever approached you to discuss the conflict between you before you were ready, what did you experience?
  • Generally, what are the risks for reaching out before the other person is ready?
  • When you approached the other person in a situation and she or he said it was too late, what happened?
  • How did you determine the timing here?
  • If another person has approached you when it feels like it is too late after a conflict situation, how was that for you?
  • What are the general risks in reaching out too late?
  • What needs to be in place for you to know when you are ready to have a conflict conversation?
  • What ‘best practices’ do you think may help to determine what timing works most effectively for the other person in your conflicts?

Any other comments about this topic or other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) that may be helpful about determining readiness to discuss a conflict are welcome.

Posted in Conflict Conversations | Leave a comment

Avoiding Interpersonal Conflict

Posted on October 11, 2011 by Cinnie Noble

We all have ways that we manage conflict that we have learned over time. It is often the case that at least one of our conflict management styles seems to be dominant and reflects the default approach we take under stress. Our way of engaging in conflict of course, depends on the person and what we are experiencing from and about him or her and the situation. Also, the timing, our mood at the time, the impact of the dispute on us and each other and other factors all enter in to determine how we interact and respond. Avoiding conflict is one choice we have and sometimes it works as the optimum approach. Other times, we avoid conflict to our detriment.

If we face conflict head on, the result may be a resolution of the issues, or a better understanding of what happened, or reconciliation of the relationship. However, we don’t know that or if the outcome will meet our hopes and needs. The unknown can create unsettled feelings that support any tendency to avoid. Ultimately though, the results of avoiding conflict typically lead to a void filled with unsettled feelings. Examining when and why we avoid conflict is a helpful exercise in the quest for conflict mastery. Here are this week’s questions about this topic:

  • Under what circumstances do you avoid conflict?
  • What is it about these circumstances that results in your decision to avoid conflict?
  • What do you gain from avoiding conflict at these times that you haven’t yet mentioned?
  • What are the disadvantages for you when you avoid?
  • What are the upsides and downsides for the other person?
  • What emotions do you experience about yourself, the situation and the other person when you avoid conflict?
  • What other approach or approaches to conflict may work more effectively for you rather than avoiding?
  • In what way(s) would that work better for you?
  • How would that work for the other person?
  • What may concern you about taking this approach?

Any other comments and/or what other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may elicit increased awareness on this topic?

Posted in Consequences | Leave a comment

Provoking Others

Posted on October 4, 2011 by Cinnie Noble

We aren’t usually aware of what peoples’ ‘hot buttons’ are except perhaps those of our family and friends and those we come to know well such as colleagues and co-workers. Even so, we didn’t always know what provoked them. New friends, colleagues and others start with a clean slate, too. It seems ‘hot buttons’ are things we often realize the hard way – through trial and error.

When we are provoked by something others say or do or even what they don’t say or do, many of us let the person know directly. Others do so indirectly, showing signs of being disgruntled, without really saying what is happening. Similarly, when we provoke others, they let us know in their individual ways. In either case, lots of times the signs are so indirect, we and others miss them altogether.

When we care to improve a relationship that is disrupted by a conflict, to engage in productive conflict conversations, or to show up in ways that welcome and invite dialogue of differences, it helps to consider what we do that irritates others. Here are some questions that serve to heighten awareness about this ConflictMastery™ topic:

  • What are your ‘hot buttons’ – the actions or words that provoke you?
  • In what ways have you irritated another person in the same ways?
  • Considering a dispute you were in recently, what specific ‘hot button’ did the other person push for you?
  • What way did you come across (demeanour, attitude, tone of voice), that seemed to irritate the other person?
  • In that same dispute, what are you aware of that you said or how you said it that seemed to provoke the other person? Or, what did you do or not do that seemed to provoke him or her?
  • What do you think motivates you to repeat things that you know provokes others? What do you gain from doing so? What do you lose?
  • What do you observe happens to others when you provoke them? What do you think they are feeling at these times?
  • What happens to you when you become aware you irritate others?
  • If you decide to make some changes in an effort to not push others’ hot buttons, how do you prefer to be and be perceived?
  • How will you begin to make one of those changes?

Please add any comments or ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) you suggest on this topic about provoking others.

Posted in Conflict Management Coaching | Leave a comment

Interrupting When in Conflict

Posted on September 27, 2011 by Cinnie Noble

It is common when we are in conflict, that as our emotions escalate, many of us tend to interrupt more and listen less. We interrupt for a number of reasons, including that we perceive that whatever is being said or done undermines and challenges something important for us. Or, we find it difficult to hear the truth or falsehood of what the other person is saying, or we figure we know what the person is about to say and have limited patience or time. Other reasons for interrupting may include a need to be right that is shown by not giving the other person time and space to express his or her views and be heard, too. Interrupting is a habit for some people who listen to talk rather than to hear.

The tendency that we may have to interrupt may be accentuated during conflict. It helps in the quest for conflict mastery to do some reflection on what is happening for you if interrupting is something you are inclined to do or react to. Here are some questions to think about:

  • What is your definition of interrupting?
  • What are two words you would use to describe the impact on you when people interrupt you?
  • What is it about others interrupting you that results in the impact you described?
  • Under what circumstances are you more likely to interrupt the other person when you are in conflict with them?
  • When you interrupt him or her, what impact on the other person do you notice?
  • How does interrupting by either of you help the conflict conversation? Hinder it?
  • When people interrupt you when you are in conflict with them, what are you aware of that you may be doing or saying at those times (that seems to result in them interrupting you)?
  • What ways may you respond to the other person, at the time he or she interrupts you that may facilitate a more productive conversation?
  • What needs to happen for you to refrain from interrupting?
  • How may that happen?

What comments do you have about this topic? Or, what other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) about interrupting may work here?

Posted in Conflict Management Coaching, Listening | Leave a comment