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Avoiding Interpersonal Conflict

Posted on October 11, 2011 by Cinnie Noble

We all have ways that we manage conflict that we have learned over time. It is often the case that at least one of our conflict management styles seems to be dominant and reflects the default approach we take under stress. Our way of engaging in conflict of course, depends on the person and what we are experiencing from and about him or her and the situation. Also, the timing, our mood at the time, the impact of the dispute on us and each other and other factors all enter in to determine how we interact and respond. Avoiding conflict is one choice we have and sometimes it works as the optimum approach. Other times, we avoid conflict to our detriment.

If we face conflict head on, the result may be a resolution of the issues, or a better understanding of what happened, or reconciliation of the relationship. However, we don’t know that or if the outcome will meet our hopes and needs. The unknown can create unsettled feelings that support any tendency to avoid. Ultimately though, the results of avoiding conflict typically lead to a void filled with unsettled feelings. Examining when and why we avoid conflict is a helpful exercise in the quest for conflict mastery. Here are this week’s questions about this topic:

  • Under what circumstances do you avoid conflict?
  • What is it about these circumstances that results in your decision to avoid conflict?
  • What do you gain from avoiding conflict at these times that you haven’t yet mentioned?
  • What are the disadvantages for you when you avoid?
  • What are the upsides and downsides for the other person?
  • What emotions do you experience about yourself, the situation and the other person when you avoid conflict?
  • What other approach or approaches to conflict may work more effectively for you rather than avoiding?
  • In what way(s) would that work better for you?
  • How would that work for the other person?
  • What may concern you about taking this approach?

Any other comments and/or what other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may elicit increased awareness on this topic?

Posted in Consequences | Leave a comment

Provoking Others

Posted on October 4, 2011 by Cinnie Noble

We aren’t usually aware of what peoples’ ‘hot buttons’ are except perhaps those of our family and friends and those we come to know well such as colleagues and co-workers. Even so, we didn’t always know what provoked them. New friends, colleagues and others start with a clean slate, too. It seems ‘hot buttons’ are things we often realize the hard way – through trial and error.

When we are provoked by something others say or do or even what they don’t say or do, many of us let the person know directly. Others do so indirectly, showing signs of being disgruntled, without really saying what is happening. Similarly, when we provoke others, they let us know in their individual ways. In either case, lots of times the signs are so indirect, we and others miss them altogether.

When we care to improve a relationship that is disrupted by a conflict, to engage in productive conflict conversations, or to show up in ways that welcome and invite dialogue of differences, it helps to consider what we do that irritates others. Here are some questions that serve to heighten awareness about this ConflictMastery™ topic:

  • What are your ‘hot buttons’ – the actions or words that provoke you?
  • In what ways have you irritated another person in the same ways?
  • Considering a dispute you were in recently, what specific ‘hot button’ did the other person push for you?
  • What way did you come across (demeanour, attitude, tone of voice), that seemed to irritate the other person?
  • In that same dispute, what are you aware of that you said or how you said it that seemed to provoke the other person? Or, what did you do or not do that seemed to provoke him or her?
  • What do you think motivates you to repeat things that you know provokes others? What do you gain from doing so? What do you lose?
  • What do you observe happens to others when you provoke them? What do you think they are feeling at these times?
  • What happens to you when you become aware you irritate others?
  • If you decide to make some changes in an effort to not push others’ hot buttons, how do you prefer to be and be perceived?
  • How will you begin to make one of those changes?

Please add any comments or ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) you suggest on this topic about provoking others.

Posted in Conflict Management Coaching | Leave a comment

Interrupting When in Conflict

Posted on September 27, 2011 by Cinnie Noble

It is common when we are in conflict, that as our emotions escalate, many of us tend to interrupt more and listen less. We interrupt for a number of reasons, including that we perceive that whatever is being said or done undermines and challenges something important for us. Or, we find it difficult to hear the truth or falsehood of what the other person is saying, or we figure we know what the person is about to say and have limited patience or time. Other reasons for interrupting may include a need to be right that is shown by not giving the other person time and space to express his or her views and be heard, too. Interrupting is a habit for some people who listen to talk rather than to hear.

The tendency that we may have to interrupt may be accentuated during conflict. It helps in the quest for conflict mastery to do some reflection on what is happening for you if interrupting is something you are inclined to do or react to. Here are some questions to think about:

  • What is your definition of interrupting?
  • What are two words you would use to describe the impact on you when people interrupt you?
  • What is it about others interrupting you that results in the impact you described?
  • Under what circumstances are you more likely to interrupt the other person when you are in conflict with them?
  • When you interrupt him or her, what impact on the other person do you notice?
  • How does interrupting by either of you help the conflict conversation? Hinder it?
  • When people interrupt you when you are in conflict with them, what are you aware of that you may be doing or saying at those times (that seems to result in them interrupting you)?
  • What ways may you respond to the other person, at the time he or she interrupts you that may facilitate a more productive conversation?
  • What needs to happen for you to refrain from interrupting?
  • How may that happen?

What comments do you have about this topic? Or, what other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) about interrupting may work here?

Posted in Conflict Management Coaching, Listening | Leave a comment

Post-Interpersonal Conflict Agony

Posted on September 20, 2011 by Cinnie Noble

Something that happens to many of us in the aftermath of interpersonal conflict is a tendency to agonize about what happened. We may criticize ourselves – wishing we had said something else or differently. We may blame the other person and not let go of our feelings about him or her. We may continue to ruminate about unresolved hurts and issues. We may make the situation bigger than it was, or try to minimize it while still experiencing a huge impact that we try to supress.

These types of post-conflict responses and others that occur have many layers to them and at times they may even demonstrate a need to continue the pain. In any case, lingering agony keeps us from moving on and often contributes to building grudges and repeating behaviours we don’t like about ourselves. The sorts of conflict mastery questions that follow help to think out this tendency to agonize in the aftermath of conflict.

  • If you agonize after a conflict, what sorts of things are going through your mind? (Consider three situations when you have continued to ruminate when answering this question.)
  • What emotions do you experience when you respond in these ways?
  • What patterns do you see if any, about the things that cause you to agonize in the aftermath of interpersonal conflict?
  • What reasons do you think you agonize after a conflict is over? What is that about?
  • What is the downside of post-conflict agonizing?
  • How do you experience and show your continuing anguish?
  • How do you suppose agonizing after conflict is interpreted by those who observe you doing this?
  • If you prefer to continue to agonize after conflicts, what do you gain from doing so?
  • On a scale of 1-10, 10 being absolutely, how much do you want to stop agonizing after interpersonal conflicts?
  • If you want to change a pattern of post-conflict agonizing, what will help you do so?

Please add any other comments about this topic. Or, what other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you ask about post-conflict agonizing?

Posted in Blame, Consequences, Post-Conflict | Leave a comment

The Elephant or the Mouse in the Room

Posted on September 13, 2011 by Cinnie Noble

The proverbial elephant that appears in the room when we are in conflict isn’t always as big as an elephant. It may be more like a mouse. However, a mouse is no less problematic when it scurries around and inserts itself in small places, like the crevices of our hearts and brains.

Elephants and mice represent the unspoken hurts or words. They are what is going on between disputing people that isn’t being said. They are the lingering doubts and the niggling feelings. They are the missing pieces of the puzzle. They are present without being identified.

At times, it may appear that we resolve matters without ever acknowledging elephants and mice that hover around. Without bringing them into the room though, conflict conversations are destined to have blinders on so that we don’t actually acknowledge their presence. Inevitably though, it seems, the mouse or elephant will reappear in the next conflict, with this person or another.

When we are in conflict, we are responsible for letting the elephant or the mouse in and identifying what they are telling us. The quest for conflict mastery acknowledges this point and you may find it helpful to consider how to acknowledge the elephant or mouse in your conflict conversations, with these types of self-reflective questions:

  • Think of the last dispute you were engaged in, when an elephant or mouse was there that wasn’t identified. What was it?
  • What kept you from acknowledging its presence, do you think?
  • What do you suppose kept the other person(s) from identifying it?
  • Which image – a mouse or an elephant – most resonates for you in that dispute and why?
  • How would bringing the elephant or mouse into the conversation have changed things?
  • How would that change in the conversation have benefited you?
  • What part would have been detrimental for you and how?
  • How may the other person have benefitted if the elephant or mouse were identified?
  • What part of that change would hurt the other person and how?
  • Generally, under what circumstances may it be best to identify and not identify the elephant or mouse present in the room?

Please add any other comments about this topic. Or, what other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) add to this aspect of conflict mastery that may be helpful?

Posted in Conflict Management Coaching, Consequences, Facing Conflict | 8 Comments