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Post-Interpersonal Conflict Agony

Posted on September 20, 2011 by Cinnie Noble

Something that happens to many of us in the aftermath of interpersonal conflict is a tendency to agonize about what happened. We may criticize ourselves – wishing we had said something else or differently. We may blame the other person and not let go of our feelings about him or her. We may continue to ruminate about unresolved hurts and issues. We may make the situation bigger than it was, or try to minimize it while still experiencing a huge impact that we try to supress.

These types of post-conflict responses and others that occur have many layers to them and at times they may even demonstrate a need to continue the pain. In any case, lingering agony keeps us from moving on and often contributes to building grudges and repeating behaviours we don’t like about ourselves. The sorts of conflict mastery questions that follow help to think out this tendency to agonize in the aftermath of conflict.

  • If you agonize after a conflict, what sorts of things are going through your mind? (Consider three situations when you have continued to ruminate when answering this question.)
  • What emotions do you experience when you respond in these ways?
  • What patterns do you see if any, about the things that cause you to agonize in the aftermath of interpersonal conflict?
  • What reasons do you think you agonize after a conflict is over? What is that about?
  • What is the downside of post-conflict agonizing?
  • How do you experience and show your continuing anguish?
  • How do you suppose agonizing after conflict is interpreted by those who observe you doing this?
  • If you prefer to continue to agonize after conflicts, what do you gain from doing so?
  • On a scale of 1-10, 10 being absolutely, how much do you want to stop agonizing after interpersonal conflicts?
  • If you want to change a pattern of post-conflict agonizing, what will help you do so?

Please add any other comments about this topic. Or, what other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you ask about post-conflict agonizing?

Posted in Blame, Consequences, Post-Conflict | Leave a comment

The Elephant or the Mouse in the Room

Posted on September 13, 2011 by Cinnie Noble

The proverbial elephant that appears in the room when we are in conflict isn’t always as big as an elephant. It may be more like a mouse. However, a mouse is no less problematic when it scurries around and inserts itself in small places, like the crevices of our hearts and brains.

Elephants and mice represent the unspoken hurts or words. They are what is going on between disputing people that isn’t being said. They are the lingering doubts and the niggling feelings. They are the missing pieces of the puzzle. They are present without being identified.

At times, it may appear that we resolve matters without ever acknowledging elephants and mice that hover around. Without bringing them into the room though, conflict conversations are destined to have blinders on so that we don’t actually acknowledge their presence. Inevitably though, it seems, the mouse or elephant will reappear in the next conflict, with this person or another.

When we are in conflict, we are responsible for letting the elephant or the mouse in and identifying what they are telling us. The quest for conflict mastery acknowledges this point and you may find it helpful to consider how to acknowledge the elephant or mouse in your conflict conversations, with these types of self-reflective questions:

  • Think of the last dispute you were engaged in, when an elephant or mouse was there that wasn’t identified. What was it?
  • What kept you from acknowledging its presence, do you think?
  • What do you suppose kept the other person(s) from identifying it?
  • Which image – a mouse or an elephant – most resonates for you in that dispute and why?
  • How would bringing the elephant or mouse into the conversation have changed things?
  • How would that change in the conversation have benefited you?
  • What part would have been detrimental for you and how?
  • How may the other person have benefitted if the elephant or mouse were identified?
  • What part of that change would hurt the other person and how?
  • Generally, under what circumstances may it be best to identify and not identify the elephant or mouse present in the room?

Please add any other comments about this topic. Or, what other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) add to this aspect of conflict mastery that may be helpful?

Posted in Conflict Management Coaching, Consequences, Facing Conflict | 8 Comments

Thinking ‘Outside of the Box’ When in Conflict

Posted on September 6, 2011 by Cinnie Noble

The expression thinking ‘outside of the box’ typically relates to being creative about ideas – like stepping outside of enclosed lines that constrain thinking. When the concept comes up in the conflict management context, it occurs when people in dispute are contemplating the options available to them regarding their opposing views. The ‘out of the box’ notion is meant to help disputants get away from steadfastly held positions and consider what other solutions may be mutually acceptable.

Undoubtedly, in the middle of a dispute, many of us experience emotional reactions and are limited in our ability to think creatively and in new and different ways. Giving ourselves time to think out the options about what to do and how to proceed is an important consideration for any type of problem-solving and decision-making. It is most likely that conflict mastery when it comes to ‘out of the box’ thinking then, requires readiness, clear headedness and willingness to consider alternatives that are mutually satisfactory. Here are some questions to answer in your efforts to think out of the box:

  • Considering a recent dispute, how do you describe what the issue(s) in dispute are for you?
  • What makes it/them so important for you?
  • What issue(s) seems to be important for the other person and why?
  • If you want to resolve matters, what is or are the possible options for doing so?
  • What do you guess is or are the other person’s ideas for options for resolving matters that are the same and different from yours?
  • What part or parts of your ideas for optional solutions would you be willing to let go of and be comfortable doing so to resolve matters?
  • What is important to you in this situation that is worth considering in your efforts to come up with even more possibilities for settling matters?
  • What may a respected mentor, friend, colleague suggest as other solutions that are more ‘out of the box’ and that may also be mutually satisfactory?
  • What would you suggest to a close friend in a similar situation about other possibilities?
  • If you removed any barriers keeping you from thinking broader and deeper, what other options would appear?

Please add any other comments about this topic or other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may facilitate ‘outside of the box’ thinking.

Posted in Choice in Conflict, Conflict Management Coaching, Creative Conflict | 2 Comments

Agreeing to Disagree

Posted on August 30, 2011 by Cinnie Noble

Many of us think we have to win disagreements – that we have to be and be seen as right and that the other person is wrong and has to concede to our viewpoint.  The competitive underpinnings to this approach set up a win-lose scenario and this isn’t usually an optimum way for reconciling conflict differences.

In some cases, agreeing to disagree may be a good outcome. However, for some of us that doesn’t quite work. The reality is, our view of rightness does not have to preclude the other person’s view of rightness. So, to step back a little to check out this possibility, it helps to begin by considering some variations and combinations of your different perspectives that may be workable. Here are some questions to reflect on as a way of approaching this conflict mastery topic:

  • Choosing a particular disagreement (bring it to the forefront of your mind), what about your perspective is right for you?
  • What about the other person’s perspective appears to be right for him or her?
  • What do you think is ‘wrong’ about his or her view? Why?
  • What would he or she say is ‘wrong’ about your view? Why?
  • What part of the other person’s viewpoint is similar to yours? What part of the other person’s view is different from yours?
  • If you want to resolve matters, what do you suppose you could both agree on that would meet both of your needs, hopes and expectations?
  • If there is no mutually acceptable solution, what is the downside if you agree to disagree on this matter?
  • What do you think bothers you most about that idea?
  • What is the best outcome that could happen, even if you agree to disagree on the issues in dispute?
  • What do you think is the optimum way of agreeing to disagree?

Please feel free to add any other comments about this topic and other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) that may add to this exploration.

Posted in Conflict Management Coaching, Seeing Ourselves | Leave a comment

Seeing Yourself in Conflict Through Someone Else’s Eyes

Posted on August 23, 2011 by Cinnie Noble

It is strange to imagine what we look like when we are in conflict. We don’t get to be a spectator and observe ourselves, though on reflection we may be able to describe our demeanour, the look on our face, or how we acted at these times. Thinking about all this inspired some questions for this week’s blog. I began thinking that an interesting way of examining how we engage in conflict is to consider if we are able to ‘see’ ourselves through someone else’s eyes. This is not only how we look but also, how we act.

The line of inquiry today works well if you think back on a recent dispute and recall the exchange between you and another person. After getting that interchange into your consciousness, I suggest you envision that a close and caring friend, family member, colleague or other special person observed you in that interaction. Here are some related ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions):

  • How did you act in that incident that you would be embarrassed about in front of an observer or observers whom you respect?
  • How may they (or he or she) describe how you looked?
  • What do you think the other person in your dispute experienced about how you looked or acted that was most off-putting for him or her?
  • What would your observing friends, etc. be most surprised at about your facial or body language considering how he or she knows you?
  • What would the friends, etc. support and applaud about what you said or did?
  • What pieces of advice may they (or he or she) suggest as some other way you could have been in that interaction?
  • What part of the suggestion(s) do you agree with and why?
  • What part of the suggestion(s) does not resonate and why?
  • Thinking about it now, what did you see in yourself (characteristic, attitude, body language, etc.) that is not the person you want to be when you are in conflict?
  • What words better describe how you want to be and be seen in conflict?
  • Which of the above question(s) was or were most meaningful and why?

What other comments about this topic do you have?  Or, what other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may work here in a quest for conflict mastery?

Posted in Conflict Management Coaching, Seeing Ourselves | Leave a comment