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Thinking ‘Outside of the Box’ When in Conflict

Posted on September 6, 2011 by Cinnie Noble

The expression thinking ‘outside of the box’ typically relates to being creative about ideas – like stepping outside of enclosed lines that constrain thinking. When the concept comes up in the conflict management context, it occurs when people in dispute are contemplating the options available to them regarding their opposing views. The ‘out of the box’ notion is meant to help disputants get away from steadfastly held positions and consider what other solutions may be mutually acceptable.

Undoubtedly, in the middle of a dispute, many of us experience emotional reactions and are limited in our ability to think creatively and in new and different ways. Giving ourselves time to think out the options about what to do and how to proceed is an important consideration for any type of problem-solving and decision-making. It is most likely that conflict mastery when it comes to ‘out of the box’ thinking then, requires readiness, clear headedness and willingness to consider alternatives that are mutually satisfactory. Here are some questions to answer in your efforts to think out of the box:

  • Considering a recent dispute, how do you describe what the issue(s) in dispute are for you?
  • What makes it/them so important for you?
  • What issue(s) seems to be important for the other person and why?
  • If you want to resolve matters, what is or are the possible options for doing so?
  • What do you guess is or are the other person’s ideas for options for resolving matters that are the same and different from yours?
  • What part or parts of your ideas for optional solutions would you be willing to let go of and be comfortable doing so to resolve matters?
  • What is important to you in this situation that is worth considering in your efforts to come up with even more possibilities for settling matters?
  • What may a respected mentor, friend, colleague suggest as other solutions that are more ‘out of the box’ and that may also be mutually satisfactory?
  • What would you suggest to a close friend in a similar situation about other possibilities?
  • If you removed any barriers keeping you from thinking broader and deeper, what other options would appear?

Please add any other comments about this topic or other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may facilitate ‘outside of the box’ thinking.

Posted in Choice in Conflict, Conflict Management Coaching, Creative Conflict | 2 Comments

Agreeing to Disagree

Posted on August 30, 2011 by Cinnie Noble

Many of us think we have to win disagreements – that we have to be and be seen as right and that the other person is wrong and has to concede to our viewpoint.  The competitive underpinnings to this approach set up a win-lose scenario and this isn’t usually an optimum way for reconciling conflict differences.

In some cases, agreeing to disagree may be a good outcome. However, for some of us that doesn’t quite work. The reality is, our view of rightness does not have to preclude the other person’s view of rightness. So, to step back a little to check out this possibility, it helps to begin by considering some variations and combinations of your different perspectives that may be workable. Here are some questions to reflect on as a way of approaching this conflict mastery topic:

  • Choosing a particular disagreement (bring it to the forefront of your mind), what about your perspective is right for you?
  • What about the other person’s perspective appears to be right for him or her?
  • What do you think is ‘wrong’ about his or her view? Why?
  • What would he or she say is ‘wrong’ about your view? Why?
  • What part of the other person’s viewpoint is similar to yours? What part of the other person’s view is different from yours?
  • If you want to resolve matters, what do you suppose you could both agree on that would meet both of your needs, hopes and expectations?
  • If there is no mutually acceptable solution, what is the downside if you agree to disagree on this matter?
  • What do you think bothers you most about that idea?
  • What is the best outcome that could happen, even if you agree to disagree on the issues in dispute?
  • What do you think is the optimum way of agreeing to disagree?

Please feel free to add any other comments about this topic and other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) that may add to this exploration.

Posted in Conflict Management Coaching, Seeing Ourselves | Leave a comment

Seeing Yourself in Conflict Through Someone Else’s Eyes

Posted on August 23, 2011 by Cinnie Noble

It is strange to imagine what we look like when we are in conflict. We don’t get to be a spectator and observe ourselves, though on reflection we may be able to describe our demeanour, the look on our face, or how we acted at these times. Thinking about all this inspired some questions for this week’s blog. I began thinking that an interesting way of examining how we engage in conflict is to consider if we are able to ‘see’ ourselves through someone else’s eyes. This is not only how we look but also, how we act.

The line of inquiry today works well if you think back on a recent dispute and recall the exchange between you and another person. After getting that interchange into your consciousness, I suggest you envision that a close and caring friend, family member, colleague or other special person observed you in that interaction. Here are some related ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions):

  • How did you act in that incident that you would be embarrassed about in front of an observer or observers whom you respect?
  • How may they (or he or she) describe how you looked?
  • What do you think the other person in your dispute experienced about how you looked or acted that was most off-putting for him or her?
  • What would your observing friends, etc. be most surprised at about your facial or body language considering how he or she knows you?
  • What would the friends, etc. support and applaud about what you said or did?
  • What pieces of advice may they (or he or she) suggest as some other way you could have been in that interaction?
  • What part of the suggestion(s) do you agree with and why?
  • What part of the suggestion(s) does not resonate and why?
  • Thinking about it now, what did you see in yourself (characteristic, attitude, body language, etc.) that is not the person you want to be when you are in conflict?
  • What words better describe how you want to be and be seen in conflict?
  • Which of the above question(s) was or were most meaningful and why?

What other comments about this topic do you have?  Or, what other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may work here in a quest for conflict mastery?

Posted in Conflict Management Coaching, Seeing Ourselves | Leave a comment

Understanding Why We Blame

Posted on August 16, 2011 by Cinnie Noble

Let’s face it, we sometimes spend needless time in blame mode about our interpersonal disputes. Just think of all the energy we put out! I’m not always sure what compels blame. Are we trying to take attention away from our wrong-doing? Are we thinking it will make things better if we blame? Or, that we will feel better? Do we want to make things worse? Blaming can be impulsive and we don’t always realize that we have choices about how we react. That is, unless we are getting something out of blaming, which itself is an important question to ask ourselves, we have the ability to change a tendency to blame.

It’s true that people say and do awful and hurtful things that are not worthy of our forgiveness and are downright mean, obnoxious, rude and irreparable. Other things we may blow out of proportion. Since blaming doesn’t make things better, it helps to think about what is going on for us at these times and remove ourselves from the negativity. Here are some reflective questions that may shed a light on a tendency to blame. You may want to consider a situation when you found yourself stuck in blame when you answer them.

  • What was it about the other person’s words or behaviour that you were blaming him or her for?
  • What did you need from the other person that he or she wasn’t delivering on?
  • What impact did blaming have on you?
  • What impact did blaming have on the other person?
  • What do you believe about the other person that may have contributed to your feelings of blame in this situation?
  • If you told the other person exactly what you are/were feeling about what he or she said or did, what words would you use?
  • What was going on for you that you chose blaming as a way to cope with this person or situation?
  • What other choices did you have that may have served you better?
  • What would it take for you to let go of the blame?
  • What theme may there be about when you tend to blame?

What other comments do you have on this topic? Please feel free to add more ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) that may be useful for understanding why we blame.

© CINERGY® Coaching, June 2011

Posted in Blame | 3 Comments

Change & Conflict

Posted on August 9, 2011 by Cinnie Noble

When it comes to the wide range of changes that can occur in our professional and personal lives, anything that shifts the status quo – negative or positive – is known to exacerbate feelings of insecurity, vulnerability and other emotions. At these times, many of us are conscious of why we are anxious. For others, our feelings are at an unconscious or subconscious level. We just feel uncomfortable, upset or off-balance and are not quite sure what is specifically bothering us.

It is often the case that change of any sort, precipitates interpersonal conflicts that may for instance, flow from our related fears and tension. Gaining increased awareness of what is happening for us will help reduce the tendency to resist it to our detriment or let the related emotions overwhelm us and contribute to the eruption of unnecessary conflict. Here are some questions that may help put things into perspective when change is happening or about to happen:

  • What is changing and what about it are you resisting or unsettled about?
  • What does your reaction tell you about what is important to you in this particular situation?
  • How would you describe the emotions you are experiencing at these times?
  • If you haven’t mentioned a fear of some sort, what fear(s) if any, do you have about the change(s)?
  • In what ways may you be taking out your unsettled thoughts and feelings on others?
  • What are your hopes about the changes? What other positive outcomes may the change(s) bring for you?
  • How would you rather be and be seen in times of change?
  • What ways may you manage the change in a way that aligns with this image of yourself?
  • How will those ways reduce your anxiety?
  • What may you need to learn that will help you cope more effectively in your adjustment to change?

Any other comments on this topic of change and conflict or what are other possible ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) you suggest?

© CINERGY® Coaching, June 2011

Posted in Conflict & Change, Conflict Coaching | 1 Comment