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Feeling Confused in Conflict

Posted on July 24, 2012 by Cinnie Noble

In the midst of conflict, it is common to feel confused – wondering what is happening and why, experiencing mixed emotions, feeling out of control or immobilized, and so on. At these times, we often don’t have a sense of what to do or what to say. Since our confusion obviously interferes with our ability to think clearly, we may tend to act and react on emotions. The outcome we want, how to get there, and how to manage our emotions are muddled in our hearts and brains.

Since we are in fight, flight, or freeze mode once we have been provoked, whichever state we are in informs how we proceed. Though we may gain some distance to be able to think things out, it doesn’t usually feel as though we have a choice. These ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may help us through the confusion during these moments:

  • What words describe the feelings you are experiencing in your confusion?
  • What are you most confused about?
  • Why is that most confusing?
  • If you are in freeze mode, what are you stuck about?
  • If you are in flight mode, from what are you running?
  • If you are in fight mode, for what are you fighting?
  • What would relieve the confusion right now?
  • What outcome do you want of the situation and the relationship?
  • When you become less confused what do you think will be your first step towards this outcome?
  • How may you make that first step now?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Choice in Conflict, Emotions in Conflict | Leave a comment

Reading Into Things

Posted on July 17, 2012 by Cinnie Noble

It’s not a straightforward exercise to figure out from where and how our assumptions come to us. Life experience, family, friends, teachers, observations, gossip, others’ tales, and a wide range of variables have an impact on our thinking. How we interpret peoples’ words, actions, behaviours, attitudes, etc. leads us to act and react in ways that are based on our assumptions – not necessarily on what is actually intended. Conflict can easily arise from erroneous perceptions and misinterpretations. Unexplored attributions are antithetical to any effort to master conflict responses.

Sometimes what we read into a statement or action may differ depending on the person. That is, we may overlook, make excuses for, or smile at something done or said by a dear friend and not make negative assumptions about his or her motives. Whereas, we may read ill intent into the same statement or action by someone we don’t know or like for some reason.

This aspect of conflict mastery, like others, has many layers to it and this blog provides an opportunity to examine any tendency to attribute motives to others that they may not own. To answer this week’s questions, consider a situation in which you are interpreting someone’s words or actions in negative ways:

  • What did the person say or do (or not say or do) that bothers you?
  • What bothers you most about that and why?
  • What did you ‘read’ about his or her intent?
  • What tone did you ‘hear’ in his or her actions/words?
  • What is the explanation he or she may provide if not what you are thinking?
  • What words describe the impact on you of his or her actions or words?
  • If he or she intended to cause that impact on you, why would that be the case?
  • What reason(s) do you do or say that sort of thing, if you do?
  • What do you think would surprise him or her most about what you have read into the situation and about him or her?
  • How may you check out your interpretation so you can be clear on what happened?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Assumptions, Conflict Perceptions | Leave a comment

The Cold Shoulder

Posted on July 10, 2012 by Cinnie Noble

One of the reactions to people who provoke us is to give them ‘the cold shoulder’. In the dictionaries I consulted, I found that the source of this is Sir Walter Scott. There is no reason explaining its derivation but rather descriptors of what the expression reflects, including words such as aloofness and disdain.

Idioms like this and others – for instance, ‘getting our noses out of joint’ – are vivid in the physical images they conjure up. When we are in conflict we usually show it some way in our bodies and faces and we also pick up signals of other people’s bad moods and negativity by their facial and somatic signs. We may not always have the emotions correct but most of us are able to discern when things are amiss and when those things are directed at us.

For this week’s blog consider two situations – one in which you are experiencing or have experienced someone giving you ‘the cold shoulder’. The other is when you have given someone else ‘the cold shoulder’.

  • How do you describe ‘the cold shoulder’ when someone else demonstrates it?
  • How does ‘the cold shoulder’ impact you at these times?
  • What is the message you ‘read’ or ‘hear’ when you experience ‘the cold shoulder’?
  • What do you say or do, if anything, when someone gives you ‘the cold shoulder’?
  • When you give someone else ‘the cold shoulder’ what does that look like?
  • What reasons may you choose to give ‘the cold shoulder’?
  • What does giving ‘the cold shoulder’ accomplish?
  • What message(s) was (were) you meaning to convey in the situation you have in mind when you gave someone ‘the cold shoulder’?
  • What would be a more effective way to give that message rather than give the ‘cold shoulder’?
  • What would a ‘warm shoulder’ look like?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Body Language, Conflict Vibrations | 2 Comments

Boundary Considerations

Posted on July 3, 2012 by Cinnie Noble

Before we engage someone in a challenging conversation, it helps to think out what to say and how to be. We have already discussed this in a previous blog. It also helps to give some thought about what to stay away from in order to achieve what we intend. Our reactions, attitudes, manner, considering the other person’s hot buttons, and other things are all choices we have – that can make or break a conversation.

This line of inquiry is particularly about what we may do or say (or not do or say) that could cross a line and possibly ruin the dialogue altogether. That is, we all have limits of tolerance regarding what we find acceptable and the following questions invite you to consider the possibilities about the other person’s limits so that you can keep the conversation on track.

  • What do you think of when you hear the word ‘boundary’?
  • What are your boundaries when it comes to conflict? (That is, what could someone say or do that would go beyond your limit of toleration?)
  • What do your boundaries say about what is important to you?
  • What do you know about the other person that may push him or her too far, considering the conversation you want to have? If you do not know, what possible things may do so?
  • What may that (those things) say about what is important to him or her that you want to consider in your dialogue?
  • What concerns might you have about the possibility of crossing the other person’s boundary?
  • How may it help things if his/her boundary is crossed? How may it hurt things?
  • What do you want to get out in the open that has some boundary risks?
  • How may you best express/present that/those?
  • What will you do to handle matters if your best efforts still cross the other person’s boundary?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Conflict Boundaries, Emotions in Conflict, Reactions | 8 Comments

Second-Guessing the Conflict

Posted on June 26, 2012 by Cinnie Noble

It seems that at times after a dispute is over we second-guess what we said or did. This expression – second-guess – implies that we have made a first guess and the further implication is that we are now wondering about and doubting the wisdom of our initial way of handling the situation. This suggests the time-worn truth that thinking before we speak and act helps to eliminate regrets and self-recrimination that typically accompany second-guessing. The idea about this week’s blog is more about reflecting on and making our first guesses ones about which we feel good so that we don’t need to second-guess.

I invite you to consider how second-guessing impacts you and how you can consider ways to pre-empt unnecessary second-guessing. To respond to this line of inquiry please consider a present or past dispute in which you are second-guessing or did second-guess what you said or did:

  • What are you second-guessing or did you second-guess?
  • For what reasons?
  • What motivated your first guess (being what you said or did that you are now doubting)?
  • What feelings are/were you experiencing about what you said or did?
  • What feelings do you prefer to have after a conflict?
  • What do you think will help ensure the feelings you prefer – next time you are in a conflict?
  • How does your second-guessing help you with the particular dispute you have in mind? How does it hurt you?
  • How does second-guessing hurt the other person?
  • When you hear someone second-guessing, what do you perceive as the pros and cons of doing so?
  • How may you make a first guess one you can stand by?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Second-Guessing | Leave a comment