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Out of Control in Conflict

Posted on September 25, 2012 by Cinnie Noble

There are times when we may say we feel ‘out of control’ when we are in conflict and that means different things to different people. The description of what ‘out of control’ means will differ among us and typically, being out of control is not a positive experience for ourselves or the other person. It seems that this sentiment is expressed when we react strongly to being provoked and say or do things that we consider uncharacteristic and, perhaps, unreasoned, unreasonable and even dramatic.

This week’s ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) blog focuses on this phenomenon of losing control as an aspect of interpersonal conflict and with the goal of gaining a better understanding of what it means to feel that way. Please consider a conflict situation in which you experienced this feeling when answering the following questions:

  • What does the expression ‘being out of control’ mean to you?
  • What does it feel like when you experience it?
  • What are you thinking at these times?
  • What are you losing control of?
  • What do you see when you observe that someone else seems out of control?
  • How does it impact you – when you observe someone else is losing control?
  • What would it be like to be in control of the situation?
  • What could you do differently to make that happen?
  • How will things be different for the other person when you do not lose control?
  • How will things be for you when you maintain control?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Emotions in Conflict, Out of Control | Leave a comment

Forgive & Forget

Posted on September 18, 2012 by Cinnie Noble

Forgive and forget is one of those common statements said to someone after they have been in a conflict. It may be to encourage them to move on, to not be bothered anymore with what occurred, to stop fretting, to let themselves and the other person ‘off the hook’, and so on. Often this expression is stated flippantly though – out of impatience or lack of understanding. It may be said in sympathy and beseechingly.

What about this expression when it comes to conflict mastery?  Sometimes it just doesn’t feel possible to forgive and for some of us there are acts and words done and said in conflict that are, plain and simple, not forgivable. Like other aspects of conflict, there’s no rule about the necessity to forgive and forget and what is forgivable and forgettable depends on each of our own sensibilities – not for others to judge.

The following ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) invite you to explore some questions within a context of a dispute you have had where you are not forgiving and forgetting something(s) about it.

  • What are you not forgiving and forgetting about the situation?
  • What are you not forgiving and forgetting about the other person?
  • What are you not forgiving and forgetting about yourself in that conflict?
  • What do you want to forgive and forget?
  • What do you want to remember and why?
  • What else may you be holding onto that continues to bother you that you have not mentioned yet?
  • What is possible if you forgive? Don’t forgive?
  • What is possible if you forget? Don’t forget?
  • How possible is it to forgive only or forget only? That is, what difference, if any, would it make if you do one and not the other?
  • What would you do differently if you had the conflict to do over again?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Forgetting, Forgiving | 6 Comments

Fleeing When In Conflict

Posted on September 11, 2012 by Cinnie Noble

One of the ways many of us deal with interpersonal conflict as soon as we get a whiff of it or it begins to evolve is to take flight. We may want to rise above it and just get away from any of the related tension. Or, we may fear a range of repercussions such as harsh words, upset, hostility, ongoing negativity, and so on. These and other reasons lead many of us to flee!

It takes courage to be in conflict and it takes courage to know when to walk or run away from it, too. A pattern of choosing to flee as a way of handling conflict may, however, be detrimental to us and our relationships. Things don’t get discussed or resolved; hurt and other related feelings linger; assumptions build; distance develops; etc.

It isn’t necessarily an easy task to determine when flight is the optimum approach. However, it helps to consider any inclination to run away from conflict. This week’s ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) blog invites you to reflect on any tendency to choose flight over other techniques that may serve you and the situation better. Please consider a specific time you chose to flee when responding here.

  • What do you think you were fleeing from? Or, if fleeing is a common habit, what are you fleeing from at these times?
  • What were/are you fleeing to?
  • What makes flight the optimum way to manage conflict? Not so optimum?
  • What fears do you have about yourself at the times you choose to flee?
  • What fears do you have about the other person at these times?
  • What do you need most from the other person when you are beginning to consider fleeing from a conflict situation?
  • What alternatives to fleeing may serve you better?
  • How would that choice (those choices) be better?
  • Which one resonates most as something you would like to do?
  • What do you need to overcome to be able to take that approach?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Choice in Conflict, Conflict Habits, Fleeing | 6 Comments

Fighting When in Conflict

Posted on September 4, 2012 by Cinnie Noble

Fighting with others is not a necessary part of being in conflict, though for many people these are synonymous. The inclination to fight is one reaction when we are having an interpersonal disagreement with another person. The situation, the person, the stakes, the degree we perceive the offense, and so on are variables that determine which approach we take when provoked and the extent to which we react. However, it is likely that certain behaviours we have come to use routinely, such as fighting, fleeing, or freezing, become our defaults – even when we gain conflict mastery. Since we have a choice and have the ability to learn ways to shift our habitual reactions, it helps to explore our tendencies.

Though fleeing and freezing consume much energy, fighting seems to soak up and dispel negativity that is more likely to increase the tension and discord. Things we say when we fight are often rife with inflammatory words and sentiments that offend and incite. As a consequence, issues get distorted and displaced. Old hurts are regurgitated. Positions become entrenched. Scars are made or get deeper and so on. Essentially, what is being fought for and why seem to remain unanswered questions as reason escapes us and we talk from a place of hurt and anger and other strong emotions.

In answering this week’s questions about the tendency to fight when in conflict, consider a disagreement you are currently having or have recently been embroiled in, in fighting mode.

  • What are you fighting for in that dispute?
  • What is important to you about that?
  • What do you need from the other person that he or she is not delivering on?
  • What do you gain from fighting? Lose?
  • If you lose (lost) the fight, how would (did) that impact you? How would (did) it impact the other person?
  • What does ‘winning’ look like for you? For the other person?
  • If you didn’t fight, what may happen?
  • What may you consider doing instead of fighting?
  • What impact would that have on you? The other person?
  • What win-win is worth fighting for in that situation?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Arguing, Fighting | Leave a comment

Freezing When in Conflict

Posted on July 31, 2012 by Cinnie Noble

When considering that one response to being provoked is to freeze, this week’s blog encourages thinking about what that means and what to do about it. So, what does freezing mean in the context of conflict? It may be a matter of becoming hard and cold internally or towards the other person or both. It may also be a reaction that reflects feeling immobilized. We feel powerless to know what to say or do. Typically, our brains are ‘on hold’ and we are not able to think at these times. These and other ways that freezing affects us have a huge impact on the journey that our interpersonal conflicts take. That is, if we freeze, regardless of the form it takes, the result of such a response effects the outcome.

Freezing may be our reaction and it may be the other person’s. Or, it may occur for just one of us. In any case, it helps to reflect on what is happening at these times that may exacerbate conflict or deflect conflict or serve some other purpose.  For today’s ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) then, it is best to consider a conflict you are experiencing in its beginning stages or one you are in the midst of and find yourself freezing. You may even look at a previous conflict when this phenomenon occurred as you answer the following questions:

  • How does freezing happen for you when you are in conflict?
  • What does that feel like?
  • What is actually ‘frozen’ at these times for you?
  • How do you describe what you have observed in others who freeze in conflict?
  • What does that feel like for you?
  • What impact does freezing have on the other person and the interaction when you freeze?
  • How would you describe the opposite of freezing in the context of conflict?
  • What positive outcomes come from freezing? Negative?
  • What would it take for you to thaw out when you freeze, if you wanted to?
  • What could you do to help the other person thaw out?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Freezing, Getting Unstuck, Reactions | 6 Comments