art work by John Ceprano
CINERGY (tm) - Peacebuilding... one person at a time

Giving people the benefit of the doubt

Posted on October 30, 2012 by Cinnie Noble

As soon as we begin to react to someone who provokes us there are options about how to proceed. One of those is to give the person the benefit of the doubt. This expression apparently refers to the legal phrase “reasonable doubt” first documented in the 18th Century English law. The phrase was accepted as the degree of doubt required to acquit a criminal defendant and was defined in terms of moral certainty. In the 20th Century “reasonable doubt” was given constitutional status in the U.S. as a standard that reduces the risk of false convictions. This expression continues to be commonly used when assessing criminal culpability.

How does giving another person the benefit of the doubt apply in conflict situations? Several possibilities exist and the same concept of assessing guilt applies. It may, for instance, have to do with questioning the blame we are placing on another person. That is, is there a possibility that we are not be absolutely correct in the fault finding we are directing to or about him or her? Or, it may be about questioning negative interpretations we are making about the other person’s motives. In this case, asking ourselves “What else may he or she have intended?” may be an appropriate way to open up the space for other possible reasons.

As you answer the other questions from this week’s blog, consider a situation and a person’s action for which you are blaming him or her for something. These questions, like all ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions), may be put in the past tense too if it is after the conflict and you are looking back at your reaction.

  • For what specifically are you blaming the person?
  • For what reason(s) is she or he at fault?
  • If you saw or heard a good friend do or say that, what other reasons may you consider as possibilities (if any)?
  • When you do or say the same sort of things (if you do), what are your reasons for doing so?
  • If you were to give the other person the benefit of the doubt, what reasons may you consider for his or her actions or words?
  • What resonates about your answer(s) to the previous question?
  • What doesn’t resonate about your answer(s)?
  • If it is just not feel feasible for you to give the benefit of the doubt to this person, how does that impact the relationship and/or situation?
  • If it is feasible to give the other person the benefit of the doubt, what would that be like for you?
  • What may that mean for him or her?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Attributions, Emotions in Conflict | 2 Comments

Conflict – Fact or Fiction

Posted on October 23, 2012 by Cinnie Noble

Our perceptions of what actually occurred in a dispute are not all that reliable in the aftermath of hurtful interactions. Our emotional experiences of conflict have a huge impact on us and one of the results is that our perspective on what happened gets muddled and muddied. What we think is an absolute truth about the event and the exchange about it is often not the other person’s perception of the absolute truth. Essentially, facts can be easily distorted and we end up with our blind spots steering us – with no vision of what we need to find our way through conflict. In a short period of time our memories can get even more mixed up and what we wished we had said may get conveyed as though we said it. That is, we come to believe things said and done by us and the other person that do not resemble reality.

In the end, arguing over facts becomes a fool’s game, especially when they cannot be proved one way or the other. It is often the case, too, that it isn’t so much the different views on the facts that leads to disagreement. Rather, it is how firmly and hotly held positions are stated and received – whether or not they are fact or fiction.

This week’s blog is about looking at the facts of a current (ongoing) dispute to disentangle what is contributing most to your reaction.  These ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may be stated in the past to be able to unravel a past dispute where the facts were disparate.

  • What facts do you rely on to support your side of the situation?
  • Which facts are not absolutely true?
  • What do you want as an outcome that will be achieved by standing by the facts as you perceive them?
  • What facts, as you perceive them, are not worth standing up for?
  • What facts does the other person rely on?
  • Which ones of his or hers are correct, in your view? Which ones are incorrect?
  • If you couldn’t rely on or prove the facts according to your perspective, what difference will that make?
  • Which facts do both of you agree on? How important are those facts for reconciling your differences on a scale of 1-5, 5 being very important?
  • What still niggles you about the different views on the facts? Why is that?
  • Despite the disparate view you two have on the facts, what are you willing to do or say to achieve the outcome you want?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Conflict Perceptions, Truth in Conflict | 4 Comments

Standing up for ourself

Posted on October 16, 2012 by Cinnie Noble

Sometimes during conflict we lose our confidence and composure. We may become plagued with self-doubt and feel we are not able to stand up for ourselves. We back down at these times and give in to the other person. We may regret doing so and admonish ourselves for lack of courage or ‘guts’. This and other self-limiting beliefs eat away at our self-esteem and we may feel all the more helpless and powerless.

More things may get in our way of standing up for ourselves, too. For instance, fears of different sorts often fuel the tendency to yield to the other person with whom we are in conflict, including the fear of a breakdown of the relationship. When we see the other person as more powerful or even more vulnerable, we also may not stand up for ourselves. When we lose our energy and feel broken, we may back down. These and other reasons impede healthy exchanges about our differences and the ability to support and express ourselves the way we prefer.

This week’s ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) blog asks you to consider any inclination you have to back down rather than stand up for yourself. So, please consider the last time you did not stand up for yourself in a conflict, when responding to the following:

  • What did you want to stand up for in the conflict you have in mind?
  • What kept you from doing so?
  • How did it feel?
  • What did you do instead?
  • What happened as a result of not standing up for yourself?
  • What bothers you most about that outcome?
  • If you had stood up for yourself, what would you have said or done?
  • How may things have been different if you had stood up for yourself that way?
  • What fears do you have about standing up for yourself?
  • What do you think needs to happen for you to stand up for yourself? How will you make that happen?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Consequences, Facing Conflict, Fears | 2 Comments

Criticizing others

Posted on October 9, 2012 by Cinnie Noble

One way that some of us cope when we are in conflict is to criticize the other person for something he or she is saying or doing. Criticism takes many forms. For instance, it may be by being condescending, pointing out and putting down things we don’t approve of, finding fault when things don’t suit or fit our perspective, ignoring the person or demonstrating a dismissive attitude, being sarcastic about or correcting things the person says, and so on. Criticizing in these and other ways often results in conflict.

At those times we choose criticism as a defense, we are likely unable to separate the person from the problem; we let emotions drive conflict; and we tend to choose blaming and criticism to make or ‘win’ the disagreement. Criticism for whatever reason derails an even-handed conversation.

Criticizers may lack self-esteem and feel more powerful by being critical. They may even be deflecting other matters, including some truth and contribution that is hard to admit. Criticizers may genuinely dispute the other person’s viewpoint but do so in a way that demonstrates intolerance, lack of flexibility, and a need to be right.

If you tend to criticize, this week’s ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) blog asks you to consider the last time you did so, to be able to explore this inclination further.

  • What were you specifically being critical of the last time you criticized another person?
  • What were you aiming to achieve with your criticism?
  • What did you need from the person at that time?
  • How did you succeed in achieving what you needed?
  • What does your criticism in the situation say about what you were feeling at the time?
  • What was the impact of your criticism on the other person?
  • How did the criticism hinder the situation?
  • If you were to frame the criticism as a request instead, what would the request be?
  • When someone has criticized you, what was that like for you?
  • Looking back now on the above questions, what two new things have you learned  about the use of criticism?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Blame, Criticizing | 6 Comments

Chip on Your Shoulder

Posted on October 2, 2012 by Cinnie Noble

It’s a strange expression – chip on your shoulder – and it has a rich history. According to Wikipedia it dates back to the Royal Navy Dockyards and a requirement for shipwrights to carry timber chips under their arms rather than on their shoulders because they could carry more that way. The story goes that one shipwright (John Miller) refused and the Master Shipwright ordered him to lower the chips and tried to physically force him to do so. Miller and others pushed the Master and First Assistant out of the gateway while keeping the chips on their shoulders. The expression eventually came to mean an attitude that denotes a challenge when disagreeing on a matter and daring ‘the other person’ to refute them.

In my experience, saying “that person has a chip on his shoulder” is one of those statements we say to or about someone who appears to be defensive, angry, bitter, resentful, bearing a grudge, a victim, and so on. That is, we may become aware of such emotions in a conversation when people verbally express these sorts of sentiments or by their demeanour, such as tone of voice or body and facial language. Seeing and communicating with someone whom we determine has a chip on their shoulder can be challenging. After all, it can be off-putting and difficult to know how to connect and may even precipitate and exacerbate conflict.

For this week’s ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) blog, please consider a situation when you find or found yourself reacting to the other person who, in your perception, has a chip on his or her shoulder.

  • Generally, what is the impact on you when you are around people who appear to have a chip on their shoulder?
  • In the particular situation you have in mind, how do you describe the chip that the other person seems or seemed to have on his or her shoulder?
  • How does or did the chip effect you?
  • What is it about a chip that seems to provoke you and even lead to conflict for you?
  • What do you suppose a chip is made of to have that sort of impact?
  • What don’t you know about the person who carries a chip on his or her shoulder that you would like to?
  • How do you prefer to feel about people with a chip on their shoulder?
  • How may you respond to people who carry chips on their shoulders in a way that would reflect conflict mastery?
  • For a minute, picture yourself as someone who carries a chip on your shoulder. What may you need from others at this time?
  • What do you have to learn from the person who has a chip on his or her shoulder?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Body Language, Conflict Perceptions, Emotions in Conflict | 2 Comments