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Just ’cause I said it

Posted on December 4, 2012 by Cinnie Noble

I like the tune of Adele’s song “Rumour Has It” and there are some lyrics that strike me as relevant to conflict. Consider the lyric “Just ‘cause I said it, don’t mean that I meant it”. This is a great quote relating to conflict though unrelated to Adele’s intention. For me it reflects what often happens in disputes because many of us say things we don’t mean or intend. At these times many of us speak from reactive and emotional places and say and do things that hurt and don’t help the interaction. How to overcome the tendency to blurt things out on impulse is key to conflict mastery and yet, this can be challenging.

It helps, in this regard, to look at what happens when our ability to control our emotions falls away and consider what it takes to be careful and interact in ways that do not contribute to further and unnecessary discord. We know intellectually that this requires self-awareness, self-control and self-discipline. It’s how to emotionally apply what we rationally know.

This week’s ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) blog is especially for readers who tend to regret what you say when in conflict and agonize afterwards for words and actions you cannot take back. I suggest bringing to mind a conflictual situation in which you didn’t mean what you said:

  • What did you say that you didn’t mean to in that conflict?
  • What motivated you to say that at the time?
  • What kept you from holding your comment(s) back?
  • What was the other person’s reaction?
  • What do you regret most?
  • What do you wish you had said/done instead?
  • What (generally) compels you to react in conflict?
  • What do you lose control of at those times?
  • What happens for you after you have said something you cannot take back?
  • What may you do to restrain yourself next time from saying things that you are likely to regret after the fact?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Reactions, Regrets | Leave a comment

Jumping to Conclusions

Posted on November 27, 2012 by Cinnie Noble

Jumping to conclusions can easily cause or perpetuate a conflict situation. This idiom – jumping to conclusions – refers to a tendency to assume something as negative when there is not necessarily a reason to do so. Conclusions may be about another person’s character, motives, attitude, and rationale. This sort of thinking may come from the habitual inclination to think the worst, to not trust ourselves or others, to let our insecurities and fears take over, and so on.

There are likely many other reasons for jumping to conclusions, too. For instance, our histories and experiences with similar situations or dynamics often fuel the continuing tendency to quickly make up our minds. Associated with this is often a tendency to be pessimistic and operate on assumptions that are not necessarily based on the reality of the situation.

This week’s blog considers the tendency to rush to conclusions about the other person when we sense discord. If there is a conflict about which you are jumping to one or more conclusions, the following ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may help to surface what lies beneath.

  • What is a main conclusion you have determined about the other person in this conflict situation?
  • On what are you basing this conclusion?
  • How does that conclusion impact you?
  • How real do you know your conclusion to be on a scale of 1-5, 5 being absolutely real (in terms of what you know for sure)?
  • How does your conclusion affect the relationship?
  • What missing pieces (if any) could throw some doubt on your conclusion?
  • What other conclusions are possible?
  • If the conclusion you determined is correct, what does that mean for you? The other person?
  • If the conclusion is not correct, what does that mean for you? The other person?
  • What is the best way you can think of to refrain from jumping to conclusions?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Assumptions | 2 Comments

Were you hearing?

Posted on November 20, 2012 by Cinnie Noble

After a conflict is ostensibly over, we often forget what the other person said. It may be that is was inconsequential to us and so, we dismiss it. We may not retain what was said due to the need to move on and to put things behind us. We may have blocked it because it was unbelievable, too painful to hear, too bizarre according to our version of the events, or it felt blameful and retaliatory and not something we want to remember. It may be the case that our voice took up the air space and overwhelmed the other person such that we really didn’t listen. Our need to be right, to upstage, to challenge, to grandstand, or to win may also preclude listening and hearing.

It is trite to say that careful listening is a major hallmark of effective communications and conflict mastery. Whether or not we intentionally put things aside and for whatever reasons we do not recall (or want to recall) what was said in a dispute, it is important to consider whether we actually heard the other person’s messages to us. It is whether our eyes – not just our ears – were engaged, whether our empathy and compassion were tuned in, and whether we were present and attentive. After all, what we hear if we listen carefully may be lessons to be learned about ourselves and important information to know about the other person.

This week’s ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) blog invites you to look back at a dispute and consider if you really heard what the other person wanted to convey.

  • What did the other person actually say (not your interpretation) that concerned or upset you?
  • What messages did you hear that the other person did not actually say?
  • What specifically was it that resulted in your answer to the above question?
  • What other interpretations than that/those referred to may be possible?
  • What did you observe about the other person’s facial and/or body language?
  • How did you interpret the facial and/or body language you observed?
  • What else may the person’s facial and/or body language mean?
  • What hurt you most that you heard him or her say to you directly, or that you otherwise gleaned from his or her words?
  • What did you want to hear that you didn’t?
  • What did you hear from the other person that was said (directly or by interpretation) that is a positive learning point that you plan to carefully consider?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Listening | 2 Comments

Peeling back the onion

Posted on November 13, 2012 by Cinnie Noble

Interpersonal disputes are multi-layered and an onion is an apt metaphor to describe the many dimensions of conflict. An onion also reflects the many layers of the other person and of us. Our hearts and brains, our spiritual being, our bodies are all parts of us that are effected when we are in conflict. Each layer adds to the mystery and confusion conflict creates inside us.

Though we may come to our disputes with historical experiences that have built on one another, each new conflict adds or supports another layer. If we are able to analyze what the layers of the conflict are made of and what may have led to their growth, we have the chance of exploring things reflectively. For instance, we may see that, like an onion, there is a circle, symmetry, and consistency about how we manage conflict. We may realize that conflict has substance but that it can be cut through. We may discover how conflict, like onions, can add flavour to our lives and can even nurture us. We know we can grow onions, fry them, eat them, and throw them away.

This week’s ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) blog is about considering the onion as a metaphor for the layers of a dispute you have had. Consider one that is in the recent past as you answer these questions, or take a present conflict and consider its layers.

  • What about the metaphor of an onion resonates most in relation to your experience of being in conflict?
  • What doesn’t resonate?
  • If you were to pull back the layers of your recent dispute, what would you find the layers are made of?
  • What brings tears to your eyes about the dispute?
  • Which other layer or layers had the most impact on your reaction in the recent dispute?
  • How do you describe the impact?
  • What part of the dispute has healthy (or could have some healthy) effects?
  • What may help bring out those healthy (or potentially healthy) effects?
  • When you consider your dispute to be like an onion, how does that help you manage it more effectively?
  • What other vegetable is a metaphor for the same dispute and why?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Metaphors, Positive Conflict | 9 Comments

Being curious in conflict

Posted on November 6, 2012 by Cinnie Noble

One of the things that happens when we are masterful in conflict is we not only listen carefully and thoughtfully to what is being said and felt. We are also willing to be curious and hear what is going on inside us and inside the other person. The more emotional we become, the more difficult that is, of course. The thing is, that without curiosity we make and react to our assumptions and let our emotions prevail. Often conflict then evolves because our imaginations take over. Without knowing what is really happening we become increasingly upset.

How to become and remain curious at times of conflict is the question. Not surprisingly, it takes patience and self-control to listen for the sole purpose of listening and not for the purpose of figuring out what to say in response. That is, to not just wait for our turn to talk. When conflict and conflicting feelings take over, it takes thoughtfulness to really hear what the other person is saying and feeling. It takes caring for ourselves too to really hear what we are saying and feeling.

Paying attention to what is on our minds that we are tempted to say often helps to uncover important feelings that are worthy of our curiosity, before expressing them. Likewise, hearing what the other person is saying and realizing he or she too may be boiling inside are also important considerations. Neither of us will be curious if we are furious!

This week’s ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) blog is about curiosity then and in answering the following questions, it will help to consider a conflict situation that is brewing inside you as an inner conflict. As with other ConflictMastery™ blogs, feel free to ask the questions in the past tense – about conflicts that have already occurred.

  • How do you define what being curious means?
  • When you are usually curious about something someone is saying or doing – and not in conflict at the time – how do you show your curiosity?
  • What happens when you are experiencing conflict with another person that is different than your answer to the above?
  • How does your last answer impact your ability to be curious?
  • What is there for you to be curious about regarding the other person or the situation between you (such as what don’t you know for certain about his or her intent)?
  • What may the other person be curious about you – that she or he doesn’t really know about you or your intent?
  • What do you risk by being curious about what the other person is saying or doing?
  • What may you gain by being curious about what the other person is saying or doing?
  • What needs to happen for you to be curious about things you don’t know for certain about him or her?
  • What is likely to happen if things continue as they are?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Assumptions, Curiosity, Self-Care | Leave a comment