art work by John Ceprano
CINERGY (tm) - Peacebuilding... one person at a time

“Don’t get your panties in a knot”

Posted on January 15, 2013 by Cinnie Noble

I smile when I hear the expression “Don’t get your panties in a knot” and another variation like “Don’t get your knickers in a knot”. My brief research to discover the meaning yielded only that it originated from “some silliness” on The Basil Brush Show – a British television program in the 60’s. The general meaning appears to be about telling people to not get excited or upset by something. It is common when some people are in conflict, for instance, to try to ‘shush’ the other person – to stop them from expressing their emotions or otherwise reacting to us or the situation.

For me, such an expression, or others like “calm down” and “just settle down” or body language that is meant to hush someone who is visibly upset, creates tension rather than prevents it. What may be meant as a well-intended gesture or remark can easily be misinterpreted and assumed to be patronizing. Such comments or demonstrations may even perpetuate negative reactions, being experienced also as dismissive. For many it feels like a way to shut down the conversation and not take seriously what is being said or felt.

For this week’s ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) blog, consider a time when you tried to calm someone down (with whom you were in conflict) or when someone said something to you that appeared to have the same intent.

  • What did you say or do in an effort to calm down someone who was upset?
  • What was your intention when you did so?
  • What exactly was it that you wanted to calm down or stop?
  • Why did you find it important or necessary to do so?
  • How did the other person respond to your efforts?
  • How may she or he have interpreted your efforts that may not be what you intended?
  • What other ways may you have responded?
  • When others have tried to calm you down, what have they said or done that has irritated you?
  • Why do those particular words, gestures, etc. provoke you?
  • What would be more effective ways for someone to respond to you rather than trying to hush you?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Emotions in Conflict, Reactions | 2 Comments

Nip it in the bud

Posted on January 8, 2013 by Cinnie Noble

The phrase “nip it in the bud” is apparently derived from the de-budding of plants. The earlier form of the phrase was “nip in the bloome [sic]” and was cited in a romantic piece by Henry Chettle in 1595. It seems a sad origin, thinking of a flowering romance being nipped and prevented from blossoming. On the other hand, nipping of flower buds can facilitate repeat growth.

If we apply this notion of nipping it in the bud to conflict and consider firstly that it is a good thing to let conflict bloom, it raises the possibility that, if allowed to surface, important feelings and thoughts may be expressed that would help the relationship and situation rather than hinder it. If presented and received in the spirit of acknowledging and not undermining our differences, we would say and hear things that are meaningful to us both. Ultimately, this has the potential for strengthening bonds that are based on mutual understanding.

It also is helpful to consider under what circumstances nipping things in the bud is a positive move because it precludes destructive results. For instance, it could be that there is nothing to be gained when the damage done in the conflict is irreparable or further discord and hurt may result from prolonging the tension. For these and other reasons it may not make sense to chance the evolution or perhaps, it is the evilution of conflict. At the same time, it is important to consider if facing some negative results is necessary and may in the end, yield a positive outcome.

This week’s ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) blog invites you, when answering the following questions, to consider an interaction that you are not sure whether to nip in the bud:

  • What is the situation and which way are you leaning – to nip it or not nip it in the bud?
  • What are the reasons for the above answer?
  • What would nipping it in the bud achieve for you?
  • What would nipping it in the bud achieve for the other person?
  • What sort of action would nip it in the bud?
  • What are the risks of taking that action?
  • If you nip the conflict in the bud, what would remain as an unknown for you?
  • How important is it for knowing that on a scale of 1-5, 5 being very important?
  • What may go unknown for the other person about you or the situation if you nip the conflict in the bud?
  • How important may that be to him or her on a scale of 1-5, 5 being very important?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Metaphors, Positive Conflict | 7 Comments

“You make me so angry!”

Posted on January 1, 2013 by Cinnie Noble

There is something that doesn’t quite work about the expression, “You make me so angry” (or sad, disappointed, depressed, etc.). That is, none of us can really make someone an emotion. We may act or speak in ways that result in others experiencing negative feelings. Or, others may do or say things to which we react. However, in both cases we don’t and they don’t actually make the emotion happen.

This may sound as though I am ‘splitting hairs’. However, in my view, the notion inherent in the expression that begins with, “You make me so ____” is about blame, as the message I read into this phrasing is that someone has the intent, ability, and power to cause the emotions we feel. Or, that we have the intent, ability, and power to cause other’s emotions. I don’t think so. Rather, I think we alone are responsible for our reactions.

What we experience in response to another person’s actions or words though is very important to explore. This is not because it is necessary to attribute motives, find fault, or make excuses for the person’s conduct. It is, I believe, because our responses tell us more about us than the other person. The awareness that comes from exploring and understanding what lies beneath our emotional reactions – what is so important to us that we react the way we do – has, in my humble opinion, the potential for being transformative. It seems to me that self-discovery about why certain actions compel strong emotions in us informs us of the values and needs we have and therefore, the reasons our sense and sensibilities are what they are.

For this week’s blog, it will help to think of a situation in which you are saying to yourself, “She or he is making me so _____ (angry, upset, sad, etc.)” when answering the following questions:

  • What is the emotion you are experiencing about the other person’s words or actions?
  • What does it mean when you say the other person “makes” you ____ (whatever emotion(s) you say you are feeling)?
  • How does she or he do that?
  • What part of your answer to the previous question demonstrates her or his intention(s)?
  • Why do you think she or he has that (those) intention(s)?
  • If she or he didn’t intend to cause a reaction in you, how else may you interpret her or his actions or words?
  • What do you think is the root of your emotional reaction to what the other person said or did?
  • What difference does it make if you determine she or he didn’t make you have the emotion you feel?
  • What power do you give away by attributing intention to the other person?
  • What response may you have to this person that is most constructive whether or not she or he was purposeful in an effort to upset you?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Blame, Emotions in Conflict | 8 Comments

Making a mountain out of a molehill

Posted on December 18, 2012 by Cinnie Noble

When we begin to experience irritation about something happening with another person, our thoughts and feelings sometimes go to places that are not helpful for the situation and relationship with the other person. We may not always be aware of what is exacerbating things, but before we know it our initial responses have taken twists and turns that only serve to complicate matters. As things expand in our minds and hearts, we often find ourselves more and more conflicted, confused, and upset. As things get bigger they may not even be a reasonable facsimile of what they were in the beginning.

The above observation of a common occurrence in interpersonal conflict describes what I consider ‘making a mountain out of a molehill’. According to Wikipedia, the earliest recorded use of this phrase is in a book (1548) by Nicholas Udall, thought to be one of the first people to use the expression. The historical meaning of this idiom had to do with “responding disproportionately to something – where a person exaggerates or makes too much of a minor issue”. This is consistent with the current meaning ascribed to this expression.

This week’s ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) blog asks you to consider a current situation in which you are likely making a mountain out of a molehill. Or, consider one in which you know you did and use the past tense in the relevant questions.

  • What first provoked you, i.e. something said or done that led to a negative reaction in you?
  • What specifically about that seemed to lead to your inner reaction?
  • What was the inner reaction?
  • Considering that the provocation you refer to began as a molehill, how would you describe what the molehill is made of?
  • At what point did the molehill begin to grow into a mountain?
  • What changed that had an impact on the molehill’s growth?
  • What is in the mountain that wasn’t in the molehill?
  • How are you experiencing the mountain?
  • How may you have stopped the molehill from growing into a mountain?
  • What stopped you from doing that (your answer to the previous question)?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Impact, Metaphors | Leave a comment

What is on the lung is on the tongue

Posted on December 11, 2012 by Cinnie Noble

The expression “what is on the lung is on the tongue” causes me to smile, as my mother used to say it about people who say whatever is on their mind – uncensored, unthinkingly, and impulsively. When I searched for an explanation of the derivation and meaning of this expression, I could not find it anywhere. Considering that perhaps my mother came up with the expression gave me even more reason to smile. Knowing her it would appeal to her that she made a rhyming commentary on the nature of some people she knew. I think actually, that my mother may have at times wished to be one of those people who said whatever was on her mind!

In any case, what often initiates or exacerbates conflict is a tendency to blurt out what’s on our mind or in our heart – or lungs. While it may be argued that this reflects honesty and openness, it may also show a lack of filters and boundaries. Depending on what is said and how it is said, unbridled opinions may even be considered indiscriminate and uncaring.

This week’s ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) blog asks questions of readers who have a tendency to say whatever comes to your mind that inadvertently initiates an unnecessary conflict. Please consider a time when you blurted out something that did so when answering these questions:

  • What did you exactly say and what was the context?
  • What motivated you to say that?
  • How did it initiate a conflict?
  • What were you thinking at the time that inspired you to say what you did? What were you feeling?
  • What impact did you observe on the other person when you said it?
  • What kept you from keeping the comment(s) to yourself?
  • What may have been different if you hadn’t said anything?
  • What were you conscious of wanting to achieve?
  • How else may you have achieved that?
  • What needs to happen for you to be able to contain the impulse to say what comes to your mind and heart, if you want to?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Conflict Management Coaching | 8 Comments