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PUULLEASE!

Posted on February 19, 2013 by Cinnie Noble

As we know, the word please is usually meant to be a polite statement that accompanies a request of another. With a drawn out pronunciation and sarcastic intonation, this word can turn quickly into an expression that reflects disgust, disapproval, anger, and disagreement. ‘Puullease’ may be used to dismiss the other person, to criticize, or to put them down. In any case, saying this word in the way just described typically leaves little room for conciliatory dialogue.

Consider a time when you have used an imploring statement such as ‘puullease’ in a conflict or when someone else has, when answering this week’s ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions). Feel free to substitute another word you may have used with the same sort of intonation:

  • What was the context for using ‘puullease’?
  • What did you mean by saying ‘puullease’ (or other word you used with the same intonation)?
  • What were you experiencing at the time?
  • What happened to the conversation?
  • How did the other person react?
  • When someone has used an expression like ‘puullease’ in response to something you said, what has been the impact on you?
  • What were you hoping to happen in the above scenario that didn’t?
  • What could you have said to replace ‘puullease’ to be able to achieve that?
  • If you were to use the word ‘please’ to start off a sentence that states what you wanted or needed from the other person what would that sentence be?
  • How would it sound?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Criticizing | 2 Comments

Get Over Yourself

Posted on February 14, 2013 by Cinnie Noble

There are times when we are in a conversation with another person that we take the ‘high road’. This shows up in a number of ways and today’s blog looks at the ill effects such an approach can have.

We may appear arrogant and patronizing at these times, and this attitude can be irritating to the point of triggering the other person and heightening the tension. We may get entrenched in the ‘rightness’ of our perspective – leaving little to no room for open dialogue. I think it is this sort of approach that leads people to say or want to say in response, “get over yourself”.

Since it is commonly the case that acting in the ways described above either shuts others down or escalates matters, it helps to consider when to “get over ourselves”. Instead of taking high roads and low roads, it may help instead to consider how to walk on the same road with the other person in an effort to reconcile differences.

Here are some ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) on this topic. It is suggested you bring to mind one or two times when you found yourself sounding or becoming self-righteous or patronizing or however else you may describe an approach that reflects the sort of attitude described in this blog. Think, too, of times when you have observed others demonstrate this.

  • What is your meaning of the phrase “get over yourself”?
  • Under what circumstances may you use or think the expression “get over yourself” about someone’s actions, attitude, etc.?
  • What do you feel about the person at these times?
  • Considering a situation when you used or wanted to use this expression, what do you think that person needed to get over?
  • How would you like her or him to have been instead?
  • Under what circumstances may you do or say something that leads someone to say or think “get over yourself” about you?
  • Considering a specific situation when someone said something such as this statement to you, what may she or he thought you needed to get over at that time?
  • How does it impact you to hear someone direct expressions such as “get over yourself” to you?
  • In the future when you hear yourself sounding like someone who needs to get over yourself, what may you say or do instead?
  • How may you respond in a conflict masterful way when you begin to feel you want to say “get over yourself” to someone else?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Choice in Conflict, Reactions | 2 Comments

When Silence is Golden

Posted on February 5, 2013 by Cinnie Noble

As with many proverbs, the origin of “silence is golden” is not definite. The first example of it in the English language was apparently from the poet Thomas Carlyle who translated the phrase from German in Sartor Resartus in 1831. In that translation, silence was compared to speech – “speech is silver, silence is golden”. In an effort to become masterful in managing conflict I thought it may be an idea to consider how this expression may apply.

Being present and listening to what the other person is saying goes a long way in any circumstance. It is especially critical when we are in conflict. This is for many reasons, not the least of which is experiencing the value of curiosity and the possibility of learning something we don’t know. That is, though we may not always like what we hear, remaining silent as the other person talks through her or his views helps us to gain clarity on assumptions we are making and to gain perspectives we may not have. Silence is golden at these times.

This is not to say ‘do not talk’. It does however, suggest listening to where the other person is coming from before speaking, judging, casting aspersions, or operating primarily on what we perceive but do not know for sure. Likewise when we silently listen and demonstrate we are open to hearing and understanding, we model an approach that acknowledges the other person has something important to say and inherently requests to be heard for what we too have to offer.

When is silence not golden, you may ask? When it is used as a way to ignore, avoid, dismiss, or put down the other person. The ‘silent treatment’, as it has been referred to, can create negative reactions and does not serve a positive purpose when it comes to conflict.

When answering the questions for this week’s blog, consider a conflict in which silence may have been a preferable choice to what you said during a conflict:

  • What did you say that you would like to take back?
  • What specifically did you say that you observed the other person react to?
  • How do you describe her or his reaction?
  • How may being silent have been more beneficial?
  • What was the challenge for you about using silence – instead of speaking?
  • When others are silent while you talk, how does that impact you?
  • How may you end this sentence – “When I am silent I fear…”?
  • And how may you finish this sentence – “When I am silent I feel as though…”?
  • When you are being conflict masterful, what do you think talking achieves that silence doesn’t?
  • When you are being conflict masterful, what do you think silence achieves that talking doesn’t?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Listening, Reactions | 4 Comments

Mending Fences

Posted on January 29, 2013 by Cinnie Noble

Some research on the expression “mending fences” indicates that the derivation is from the proverb “Good fences make good neighbours”. It is apparently listed by the Oxford Dictionary of Quotations as a mid-17th century idiom. My source states that Robert Frost gave the proverb a boost in his 1914 poem “Mending Walls” when he used the above expression to essentially mean rebuilding previously good relationships. There was a slight aberration in the late 1800’s when mending fences came to mean ‘looking after your own interests’. In the 20th century the original meaning resumed.

I have been wondering about this metaphor – mending fences – and that the visual of a fence being mended, when it comes to conflict, could have multiple meanings. If the mending of a conflict situation is done half-heartedly, in haste, to ensure something doesn’t get in or out, or with ‘tools’ or ‘materials’ that could break easily, the success of any efforts to re-establish something durable and viable is likely to be short-lived.

On the other hand, efforts that come with the intention to strengthen what was lost, to create an enduring bond, to be well-fortified, and to able to withstand harsh times results in a more constructive and solid fence-mending.

It is suggested that both scenarios apply to how we mend conflicts. For this week’s blog, please consider a dispute about which you would like to mend fences – in a lasting way:

  • What does the metaphor mending fences mean to you regarding the dispute you have in mind?
  • What part(s) do you want to mend most?
  • Why is your answer to the above question especially important to you?
  • When the fences are mended between you, what do you want to feel like about the other person that you do not feel now?
  • What do you want the other person to feel about you?
  • When the fence is mended how do you want your relationship to be?
  • How may the other person describe fence-mending that is different from your description?
  • What may be the same?
  • What do you want to ensure does not happen in the mending process?
  • What connector tools will you use to ensure the fence is mended well and in a lasting way?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Choice in Conflict, Metaphors | 4 Comments

The Conflict Iceberg

Posted on January 22, 2013 by Cinnie Noble

The metaphor of an iceberg has commonly been used as a metaphor about conflict. This is on the basis that there are things above the surface that show themselves and then, there is all that is going on underneath. Compared to conflict, some things are obvious to the disputants (and often others) that reflect the dynamic between them, the issues in dispute, and other aspects of the existing dissension. These are above the water ‘line’.

Below the water line is much more. There are hopes, expectations, emotions, needs, values, beliefs, and other deeply held views and feelings. Our individual and collective histories that we bring to the issues in dispute are in the mass below the surface, too. While, for all intents and purposes, this underlying mass appears to be unnoticed or remains unspoken, it has an enormous impact on the interaction. Indeed, it is an integral part of the conflict and who we are within it, within ourselves, and within the relationship.

Yes, some things may be best left unexplored or untouched. However, without increased self-discovery of what is below the surface, we miss the opportunity to better understand and reconcile our motivations and expectations. And to consider what ought to be shared and discussed, and what needs to remain dormant to reach the optimum outcome.

For these ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions), consider a conflict in which you see or feel that only the tip of the iceberg is showing itself.

  • What about the conflict do you think is fully evident to you and the other person?
  • What lies beneath that is evident for you but is not likely evident to the other person?
  • What concerns you that may be going on for the other person that is not evident to you?
  • What outcome do you want?
  • Why is that outcome important to you?
  • What do you want to leave below the surface?
  • How will that help you reach the outcome you want?
  • What is there to be gained for the other person if you leave that below the surface?
  • What may the other person want to leave below the surface? Why do you suppose?
  • Thinking about all this now, what needs to come to the surface to reach the optimum outcome – even though it may be challenging for you and/or the other person?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Consequences, Emotions in Conflict, Facing Conflict | 8 Comments