art work by John Ceprano
CINERGY (tm) - Peacebuilding... one person at a time

Speaking Up

Posted on April 30, 2013 by Cinnie Noble

One of the things that leads to conflict – at least inner conflict – is when we seem to lose the ability to speak up, voice our needs, express our feelings, defend our perspective, and so on. This may have to do with the fear of conflict and ironically, can easily result in unnecessary discord and tension – at least internally.

There may be some situations and people that are more challenging than others that seem to preclude the wherewithal to speak up. Or, for some speaking up does not come easily, under any or most circumstances. In any case, interpersonal conflict can be a time when self-limiting beliefs and behaviours go into high gear for some people and their confidence plummets along with self-esteem.

For this week’s blog, please consider a situation in which you are not speaking up, to be able to put the following ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) within that context:

  • Firstly, what does the expression ‘speaking up’ mean to you?
  • What is the particular situation you have in mind in which you are not speaking up?
  • What are the main messages that you would express, if you did speak up?
  • What is most important to you about conveying that (those) message(s)?
  • What is keeping you from speaking up?
  • What is the best case scenario if you convey the message you want?
  • In your view, what best describes the opposite of speaking up?
  • If you were to overcome whatever is keeping you from speaking up, how would that be for you?
  • How would you describe the opportunities that speaking up will make more possible?
  • How would you feel if you spoke up and your message got across?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Choice in Conflict, Reactions | 4 Comments

Bottling Things Up

Posted on April 23, 2013 by Cinnie Noble

One of the things that happens when an interpersonal conflict begins to brew is a need to decide whether or not to raise the issue, concern, etc. with the other person. And how and when to do so, if that is the choice we make. This conundrum is often complicated for those who have a tendency to ‘bottle things up’ which essentially translates into containing thoughts and feelings and a hesitancy to share what is happening.

Let’s take the imagery of bottling things up a little further by picturing the bottle. To start with – depending on the situation and the person – we may view what’s in the bottle as inconsequential. This may mean we see some stuff in it, but not much to fuss about. As thoughts and feelings begin to grow – due to repeated and noxious interactions with the other person – picture the bottle becoming fuller of stuff that is murky and not very appetizing. When this occurs, it becomes more evident to us, and likely the other person, that we are bottling things up. For instance, we may look and feel as though we are on the brink of overflowing.

This week’s blog asks readers to consider a situation in which this metaphor applies to you when answering these ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions):

  • If you are inclined to bottle things up, how do you describe that tendency?
  • What specific emotions are you are bottling up about a situation you have in mind?
  • What percentage of the bottle is consumed with these negative feelings?
  • What thoughts are you bottling up?
  • What percentage of the bottle is consumed with your negative thoughts?
  • What may cause the feelings and thoughts in the bottle to overflow?
  • What could you say or do to reduce your negative emotions about the situation or other person that would be helpful? What could you say or do to reduce your negative thoughts?
  • What would you pour out first if you were to intentionally tip the bottle?
  • When you ultimately empty the bottle, what will that be and feel like?
  • When you begin to bottle things up at a future time, what may you do differently if you don’t want to do so?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Emotions in Conflict, Metaphors, Reactions | 2 Comments

Rage is a Four-Letter Word

Posted on April 16, 2013 by Cinnie Noble

Rage is a word that describes a strong emotion that sometimes evolves when we are in conflict. It is not necessarily an immediate reaction. Rather, it is one that often signals an escalation of feelings such as anger and hurt about a person and/or an issue. The build-up erupts into a state of being furious, incensed, and out of control of our words, thoughts, and emotions.

This week’s blog considers that rage, like some other ‘four-letter words’ stated fiercely, is an extreme reaction. The evolution of emotions that becomes rage often seems to be a consequence of continuing disagreement in which issues that are important to us are not being resolved. This is usually accompanied by a sense that our needs, hopes, and expectations are not going to be met. I also think rage arises when we perceive and fear that our deep-felt beliefs, values, and feelings are being ignored.

This week’s ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) blog invites you to consider a time when you became enraged in conflict or experienced someone else’s rage.

  • Generally, how do you describe what happens to you when you become enraged?
  • What are the specific feelings you are experiencing at these times?
  • Considering a specific incident when you became enraged, how do you describe your reaction at that particular time?
  • What was the result of your reaction – for you? The other person?
  • What was clear to you about what led to your reaction? What wasn’t clear?
  • How did the other person react to your rage?
  • When you have experienced another person’s rage at you, how did you react internally? Externally?
  • In that case, what did you understand about the other person or the situation that you hadn’t before she or he raged at you? What became less clear?
  • If you want to change a rage reaction (your own) from erupting in the future, what may you do differently?
  • What may you do differently in the future in response to someone who reacts to you in rage?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Emotions in Conflict, Out of Control, Reactions | Leave a comment

Disputes: A Clash of Imperfect Ideas

Posted on April 9, 2013 by Cinnie Noble

It is common in the midst of conflict that we become more assertive about our perspective – especially when the other person is equally or more assertive about hers or his. One or both of us may push our viewpoints to the extent that things escalate and stronger feelings evolve – accompanied by even more push back. It is as though both of us are convinced and have to convince the other that our view is the perfect and correct one.

The expression ‘a clash of imperfect ideas’ is one I read in the book The Art of Fielding by Chad Harbach and it struck me as a great way of viewing conflict. After all, no one idea is perfect and no one of us is perfect. Though we may know that intellectually, conflict often brings out a certain righteousness that explicitly or implicitly says otherwise.

It seems to me that to prevent the unnecessary escalation of conflict, thinking in terms of this reframe – a clash of imperfect ideas – may alleviate the pressure or expectation that there is a right and wrong about the situation and one another – when we are in conflict. Somehow the notion that there doesn’t have to be a perfect idea reduces the energy that goes into fighting for a right and wrong. At least, that is one way of reappraising conflict!

This week’s ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) blog picks up on previous ones relating to this theme and invites you to consider a current dispute in which you and the other person have become polarized in your perspectives.

  • What is the clash about?
  • What is your position on the issues in dispute?
  • What is perfect about your perspective? What is imperfect about it?
  • What is the other person’s position on the issues in dispute?
  • What is perfect about her or his perspective? What is imperfect about it?
  • Which idea(s) do(es) not really work as a mutually agreeable solution?
  • What idea may be a perfect solution for you both?
  • If this last solution is not something that you can live with, what is still clashing for you?
  • What other choices may be acceptable?
  • What has unclashed for you?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Attributions, Choice in Conflict | 2 Comments

Yelling in Conflict

Posted on April 2, 2013 by Cinnie Noble

As long as I can remember when I heard people yell at each other, or one person yelling at someone, I reacted internally with fear. I do not know how to articulate my fears. I just know there was something unnerving for me. When I began to work in the conflict management field I was increasingly exposed to situations in which people yelled and I became more and more aware of the range of things that seemed to incite people to scream at one another. To do my work effectively, I reflected on my angst and tried to understand what was happening for people who yell.

Based on my observations, it is evident that people yell at one another (or one yells at someone) for a wide range of reasons, such as when they are very hurt, as an outlet for built up frustrations and other feelings, to win a fight, to make a point, to reject someone or an idea, to assert power, to put someone down, to defend one’s view, or to hurt another person. It may be that for people who yell other ways of expressing what is important to them have not worked. Or, the emotional pain may be so deep that yelling seems like the only way of coping.

For all intents and purposes, yelling is not a productive way to manage interpersonal conflict. What I have seen is that it often serves to heighten the tension, discord, and emotions. What’s not as obvious for me is whether people who yell when in conflict are aware or care in those moments if it helps or hinders the situation or the relationship. I think not.

If you tend to yell or can think of an occasion or occasions when you did so, please consider a specific situation when answering today’s ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions):

  • What happened in the specific situation that resulted in you yelling at the other person?
  • What did you yell?
  • What did it feel like to yell?
  • What were you aiming to achieve by yelling?
  • What point(s) do you know you made when you yelled? What point(s) did you not get across?
  • What were you feeling at the time about the other person? Yourself?
  • How did the other person respond?
  • How did yelling help the relationship? Hinder it?
  • When someone has yelled at you how did you feel about yourself? The other person?
  • Besides yelling, what else may have worked in the specific situation you referred to at the beginning?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Arguing, Choice in Conflict | Leave a comment