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The Straw that Broke the Camel’s Back

Posted on March 26, 2013 by Cinnie Noble

I have used the expression “the straw that broke the camel’s back” or a similar idiom when referring to an incident that pushes an ongoing situation too far across a line of tolerance. I didn’t know the derivation of this particular expression and when I looked it up I found the meaning is consistent with this same notion.

According to Wikipedia, the straw that broke the camel’s back is from an Arabic proverb about “how a camel is loaded beyond its capacity to move or stand”. It is a “reference to any process by which cataclysmic failure (a broken back) is achieved by a seemingly inconsequential addition, a single straw. This also gives rise to the phrase ‘the last/final straw’, used when something is deemed to be the last in a line of unacceptable occurrences.”   A similar proverb is “the drop that makes the cup overflow”.

Most of us have likely encountered situations in which something that seems innocuous triggers off a noxious outcome. At this point we may blurt out words we cannot take back or otherwise react in ways that leave some sort of damage. This week’s blog invites you to consider a situation when this has happened to you, as you answer the following ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions):

  • What is the situation? What was the “straw that broke the camel’s back” for you in that interaction?
  • What more specifically made that the breaking point?
  • How did you react?
  • What happened as a consequence?
  • What sorts of things had built up for you and between you that resulted in that outcome?
  • At what point may it have been advantageous for you to save the straw from being the one- more-time or one-last-thing in the situation?
  • What could you have done at that time?
  • What stopped you from doing or saying that?
  • When you have observed “the straw that broke the camel’s back” for someone else, how would you describe what occurred?
  • What do you think has to happen in the future to prevent the camel’s back from breaking?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Metaphors, Reactions | 2 Comments

Forgiving When Asked

Posted on March 19, 2013 by Cinnie Noble

Forgive me. I apologize. I was an idiot. You didn’t deserve what I said. I was so wrong. I didn’t mean it. You are a saint for putting up with me. Will you please forgive me? In whatever form requests for forgiveness take, it is not incumbent upon the receiver to forgive. For some reason many people think they ‘should’ forgive or at least say they do. It’s just not always that straightforward.

When it comes to interpersonal conflict, we all have our own range of thresholds – what is forgivable and what is not. The nature of the relationship and history, the degree of hurt we experience, timing, what was said or done, how it was said or done, and what deeply held value or need was threatened, are just some of the variables that have an impact on our willingness to forgive.

Though we may think forgiving is a required response to an apology or request for forgiveness, the reality is that for many people some things are unforgiveable. In these cases, any amount of apologizing does not repair the pain and indelible marks left behind. There is just no rule about forgiving.

For this series of ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) consider a situation in which someone in your life is asking or has asked for your forgiveness:

  • What is one incident that resulted in the other person asking you for your forgiveness?
  • What did she or he specifically say or do that pained you most?
  • How would you describe the impact on you?
  • What did she or he say by way of apologizing or asking for forgiveness?
  • What worked for you about that apology/request?
  • What didn’t work?
  • What, if anything, do you wish she or he had said or done differently by way of apologizing and asking for forgiveness?
  • If you think or feel you ‘should’ forgive, why is that?
  • If you want to forgive, what would it take for that to happen?
  • What do you think would happen if you don’t forgive? If you do?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Apologizing, Forgiving | 2 Comments

Conflict: Threat or Treat

Posted on March 12, 2013 by Cinnie Noble

It may seem a strange coupling – threat or treat – when it comes to talking about conflict. Threat is, of course, more straightforward, since we commonly sense some type of challenge when we are in conflict. That is, if we perceive that something undermines our values, beliefs, or needs, we may experience that as a threat to us and our identities. Sensing any sort of threat when we are in conflict causes feelings of insecurity and vulnerability. This may, for instance, be due to fears about losing the relationship, something important to us that we are fighting for, our equilibrium, and so on. Unfortunately, too, some people experience physical threats.

Considering interpersonal disputes (not those that include physical assault) the ‘are-you-kidding-me’ question then is, what can the word treat possibly have to do with conflict? Well, it is suggested here that the treat – defined simply as “something special” – is the potential within conflict. If well-managed, the opportunities in a dispute may include a better understanding and connection, a clearer perspective on the issues and its impact, the opportunity to check out assumptions, to apologize, to forgive, and to move on.

For this week’s ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) blog, I’ve taken the ‘h’ out of the word threat to ask the following how questions, essentially about the treat in conflict. To start with, please consider a conflict that feels threatening when answering the following:

  • How does what happened between you and the other person feel like a threat?
  • How does that impact you?
  • How have you contributed to the conflict dynamic?
  • How may she or he have experienced your actions or words as a threat?
  • How may the conflict situation actually be a treat for you, i.e. as defined above or in other ways you may define it? How may the conflict situation not be a treat for you, i.e. as defined above or in other ways you may define it?
  • How will you apply what you have learned in this conflict to future ones?
  • How is that learning a treat?
  • How may the conflict be a treat for the other person? How may it not be a treat for her or him?
  • How, in the future, may you make conflicts less of a threat and more of a treat for you? For the other person?
  • How do the questions here provide a different perspective on conflicts?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Reactions | 4 Comments

Conflict Posturing

Posted on March 5, 2013 by Cinnie Noble

When I first started to practice law some years ago I heard the expression and then, observed the act of “posturing” – as referred to lawyers who became positional during negotiations or court proceedings. As I observed it, posturing is typically demonstrated through body language, mannerisms, and words. These came together, it seemed, in an adversarial effort to ‘win’ and assert a position about a legal dispute. While posturing may be considered strategic and just part of the game of lawyering, I have to admit it actually didn’t feel sport-like or fun to me!

Sometimes I found posturing to be arrogant behaviour, especially when lawyers took on what I perceived as a ‘bullying’ and a ‘holier-than-thou’ demeanour. Their combative and undermining approach at these times appeared as a posture of defiance and indignation. I also read into the attitude conveyed sentiments such as: “my way or the highway”; “I know a whole lot more than you possibly could”; and other such remarks.

How to interact when on the receiving end of posturing – to counter the posture in a conflict masterful way – can be challenging. To consider ways to respond effectively when provoked by this technique it will help to consider, for this week’s ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) blog, a time when someone was posturing with you in a disagreement and you weren’t sure how to respond.

  • What was the context of the dispute?
  • What was the other person doing verbally that you experienced as posturing?
  • What was she or he doing physically that you experienced as posturing?
  • What message were you ‘hearing’ from or reading into the person’s body postures (naming the specific posture(s) from which you got the message(s))?
  • What message(s) were you getting from her or his words and/or way they were conveyed?
  • What ‘posture’ was most off-putting for you? Why that one?
  • How may you describe the posture you demonstrated in your response?
  • What other sorts of posturing techniques are you aware of using?
  • What do you achieve by posturing? What don’t you achieve?
  • Next time you encounter posturing from another person that is off-putting, what is the optimum response you plan to use?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Body Language, Reactions | 4 Comments

Yea, Yea Tell It To the Judge

Posted on February 26, 2013 by Cinnie Noble

You have likely heard or possibly used this expression “Yea, yea tell it to the judge”. In my experience, it is usually said in a demeaning and sarcastic manner when the speaker disagrees with another’s perspective on a matter. It’s one of those statements that implies messages such as: “You don’t know what you’re talking about”; “I disagree and it’s for someone else to decide – certainly not you”; “A smarter person than you knows the answer”; and so on. The implication is there’s a right and wrong – a win and lose – and those sentiments, no matter how they are expressed, tend to polarize and add to increased positional thinking and reacting.

In the middle of an argument statements like “Yea, yea tell it to the judge” also serve to dismiss what is being said and put down the person to whom they are said. Whatever the explicit or implicit message intended by this expression it may be challenging to not back down, though doing so seems to acknowledge that the speaker has the right and power to end the discussion.

For this week’s blog, consider a time when you said, “Tell it to the judge”:

  • What was the person saying or doing that led you to say “tell it to the judge”?
  • What impact was there on the other person?
  • What were you feeling about the other person at the time? What were you feeling about yourself?
  • What did you intend by expressing this statement?
  • When you have been on the receiving end of such a statement, what was the impact on you?
  • What would you “tell the judge” in the conflict situation you have in mind? What would the other person “tell the judge”?
  • What would you want a ‘judge’ to do or say to help you in the situation?
  • What may the other person hope a ‘judge’ would say to help her or him in this situation?
  • If you were an impartial ‘judge’ hearing both sides of the conflict, what may you say regarding the differences between you and the other person?
  • What else may you say, in future situations, instead of “tell it to the judge”?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Choice in Conflict, Metaphors | 4 Comments