art work by John Ceprano
CINERGY (tm) - Peacebuilding... one person at a time

Throwing Dirt

Posted on June 4, 2013 by Cinnie Noble

When in conflict we commonly turn our negative energy on the other person in various ways. Examples may be by gossiping about her or him, blaming, name-calling, and generally saying counterproductive and mean-spirited things to and about her or him. The irony of the expression, “When you throw dirt, you lose ground” (credited as a Texan proverb) is not lost on those of us aiming to become more conflict masterful.

Throwing dirt of the nature described above, even if it feels good in the moment, can easily backfire in unanticipated ways. For instance, people who we complain to may not provide support and find our own actions in the dispute or the fact that we are bad-mouthing the other person to be unacceptable. They may lose respect for us, consider us petty, and voice their objections. Some of these reactions may lead to conflict between us too.

Another way that throwing dirt backfires is the fact that there is nothing to be gained by those behaviours. At least, there is nothing I know of that leads to a favorable result – if that is what is intended. Examples may be that the other person no longer engages with us or reacts in a way that is any more productive than our actions and words are. In the end, ground is lost in these ways and more.

If you tend to throw dirt, this week’s ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) will be relevant to you:

  • Considering a specific conflict incident, what did you say or do that constituted throwing dirt?
  • For what reasons did you throw dirt?
  • What emotions motivated you to do so?
  • How did you lose ground in the conflict by doing so?
  • How else did doing so backfire in that situation that you didn’t answer in the previous question?
  • In what ways did you gain ground?
  • What would you say is the opposite of throwing dirt?
  • Instead of throwing dirt, what could you have done that may have yielded an outcome you prefer in that situation?
  • What do you want the ground to be and feel like when you are in a conflict?
  • What would it take for you to make the ground be and feel like that (answer to the previous point)?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Attributions, Blame, Metaphors, Name-Calling, Reactions | Leave a comment

“That’s Not Fair”

Posted on May 28, 2013 by Cinnie Noble

One of the common statements that occurs in conflict is, “that’s not fair”. It may be a response to an action that is seen – according to our sensibilities, values, and beliefs – as wrong. It may be an emotional reaction to a decision or position someone is taking on a matter with which we disagree. It may be due to a rule, policy, or procedure that we experience as oppressive, threatening, or undermining. It may be a perception that another person is being arbitrary, unthinking, obstinate, etc. It may be that someone gets or achieves something we want or believe we are entitled to have.

Fairness, like other values we develop, is a subjective experience derived from our personal conditioning, culture, and other contextual influences. As with many other values, there does not appear to be a spectrum or degrees of fairness. Rather, it seems things are perceived as either fair or unfair. I find both the interpretation of what constitutes fairness and this polarization is what often leads to conflict.

This week’s blog poses questions about the notion of fairness that may help readers deconstruct the nature of this concept and how it has an impact when it emerges for you in a conflict.

  • Generally, what is your definition of fairness?
  • How do you define unfairness – that may give even more meaning to your definition of fairness?
  • Consider a situation in which someone did or said something you consider unfair, what was that and what made it unfair for you?
  • In what ways was what she or he said or did contrary to your expectation of her or him?
  • From what you can tell or know, what was fair regarding the action or words from her or his perspective?
  • On a scale of 1-5, 5 being extremely unfair and 1 being very fair, what rating do you give the level of fairness of the other person’s action in that incident?
  • How may you have contributed to the conflict?
  • What did you say or do that she or he may have considered unfair?
  • How may she or he have changed what was said or done for you to have experienced it as being fairer?
  • What may you have done differently?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Attributions, Conflict Perceptions, Reactions | 2 Comments

Fears about Tears

Posted on May 21, 2013 by Cinnie Noble

When some of us get upset we cry. It’s just what happens. Crying is considered by some to be gender and sometimes culture specific. However, in my coaching work I have seen both men and women from a wide range of cultures cry. I have also heard both genders – across cultures – talk about internal weeping though those words are not used.

(Internal weeping may be described as experiencing deep and overwhelming feelings about the situation or the other person. Words to express these feelings do not come easily. Internal weeping may include a sense of helplessness, despair, sadness, and other emotions that can be immobilizing.)

For some who cry outwardly, doing so provides, among other things, a release of built up emotions – hurt, anger, frustration, disappointment, and so on. Some feel embarrassed about their tears though, and believe it is perceived as a sign of weakness or being out of control. Worrying that they will cry when trying to engage the other person and be judged for doing so, often results in fears about making any effort to communicate.

Persons in a conflict who do not react with tears may view the person who does as manipulative and dramatic. As feared by those who cry, some do perceive crying as weak or a sign of the inability to regulate emotions. They may also fear the tears of the person crying – not knowing what to do or say to manage their reactions. In essence then, fears about tears arise for those who cry when in conflict and for the person who doesn’t cry.

If you yourself do not cry easily or outwardly and tears create fears for you, this week’s blog will resonate:

  • What do you fear about people who cry when you are in conflict with them? What other emotions do you feel at these times?
  • Generally-speaking, what is it about tears that is disturbing, concerning, upsetting, etc.?
  • Considering a specific conflict situation in which the other person’s tears had an adverse impact on you, what do you know or think she or he was crying about?
  • What was the impact on you?
  • What message was she or he trying to convey at this time? What emotions were you picking up amidst the tears?
  • How did you react?
  • In what ways did your reaction help things? Not help?
  • How would you like to respond to someone who is crying that may be more effective than what you say or do now?
  • How would things be different in the situation you refer to here, if you handled the other person’s tears the way you just described?
  • What do you want to fear less from now on when it comes to the other person’s tears when you are in conflict with her or him?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Emotions in Conflict, Fears, Reactions | 2 Comments

You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar

Posted on May 14, 2013 by Cinnie Noble

I was fairly young when I first heard the idiom ‘you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar’. It was one of my mother’s pearls of wisdom. Her name was Pearle and so, she took her name seriously by dispensing precious lessons on life with short homilies and expressions.

I recall this particular one was said to me when I wanted something from my cousin and after a few attempts at asking nicely, I gave up and became more demanding. I can still hear my mother making this statement and me discovering, this time and others, that using a sweet approach rather than a sour one works most of the time.

Recently I looked up the meaning of the metaphor – ‘you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar’ – and not surprisingly the description is as follows: “Flies represent anything you want to achieve. Honey (sweet) represents anything pleasant that you do to get what you want. Vinegar (sour) represents anything unpleasant that you do to get what you want. It tells you to use nice methods rather than unkind methods in dealing with other people.”

Though I have never been overly fond of the word ‘nice’, I understand the lesson made by differentiating the use of honey and vinegar in this idiom and the difference it makes to a conflict whether we are nice or not. This expression is pertinent to this week’s ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) blog, for which readers are asked to consider the queries below as they relate to a conflict in which you used honey and/or vinegar:

  • In what way(s) did you use honey in that conflict? (What was ‘nice’ about this approach?)
  • What happened as a consequence of using honey?
  • In what way(s) did you use vinegar? (How was that approach ‘unkind’?)
  • What happened as a consequence of using vinegar?
  • How would you describe the specific flies you caught with the honey you used?
  • What specific flies did you ‘catch’ with the vinegar you used?
  • What flies didn’t you ‘catch’ with the honey or vinegar that you wanted to?
  • How would you describe the impact on the other person when you used honey? When you used vinegar?
  • When someone has used honey with you, how have you experienced that? When they used vinegar?
  • What lessons occur to you about the expression ‘you can catch more flies with honey than vinegar’?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Metaphors, Reactions | 2 Comments

Conflict Resilience

Posted on May 7, 2013 by Cinnie Noble

The aftermath of conflict is fraught with ongoing tension for many. Even when a situation is resolved, it is common that residual feelings and thoughts prevail. Hurt, anger, disappointment, and other emotions that linger reflect unresolved needs for which blame and criticism and other negative reactions may remain. Some people are plagued by wish-statements like: “I wish I had said…”; or “I wish I hadn’t…” Sometimes, the afterthought and feelings overwhelm and preclude any semblance of resolution or reconciliation that had appeared as outcomes.

A questionnaire CINERGY® designed on the subject of resilience provides a self-assessment on this subject. It is called the Conflict Resilience Quotient (CRQ) and this week’s ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) blog invites readers to check out your conflict resilience by completing the form below.

 

After most interpersonal conflicts, I usually tend to: Less  More

True True

Recover quickly and do not worry, agonize or stay preoccupied about what the other person said or did that offended me. 1  2  3  4  5
Forgive and do not bear a grudge about the other person and what s/he said or did. Or if I am not ready to forgive yet, I don’t let the interaction weigh me down. 1  2  3  4  5
Reflect on what I learned from the conflict that will help me manage future disagreements. 1  2  3  4  5
Reach out to make amends with the other person, or talk out and clarify our differences. 1  2  3  4  5
Take responsibility for my part of the conflict and consider what I may have done differently. 1  2  3  4  5
Not share my side of the situation with others in self-serving and distorted ways. 1  2  3  4  5
Feel hopeful that things will be better and consider how I will try to contribute positively to this happening. 1  2  3  4  5
Move on and not see myself as a victim or feel sorry for myself. 1  2  3  4  5
Not continue to perceive the other person in negative ways. 1  2  3  4  5
Not gossip about and bad-mouth the other person to others. 1  2  3  4  5
Identify what may have been important to the other person that I did not realize before. 1  2  3  4  5
Apologize for my part of the conflict. 1  2  3  4  5
Have a better appreciation for and understanding of the other person’s perspective on the issues, even if I don’t agree with it. 1  2  3  4  5
Not criticize, blame myself or engage in other self-deprecating behaviors about what I did or said (or didn’t say or do). 1  2  3  4  5
Let go of blaming the other person for what s/he did or said (or didn’t say or do). 1  2  3  4  5
Total:

Scoring Key

15-39      Hmmm…I guess you already know you are not conflict resilient and coaching is highly recommended.

40-54      Your conflict resilience quotient is low and conflict coaching is recommended.

55-69      You are conflict resilient with a few areas that could use some work to strengthen your skills even more.

70-75      You are definitely conflict resilient!

 

Feel free to share you further thoughts regarding what constitutes resilience when it comes to conflict in the Comment section below.

Posted in Conflict Management Coaching, Resilience | 4 Comments