When someone says or does something we don’t like or agree with, we may respond with a statement like “give me a break”. Its sarcastic edge shows our disdain, which is often interpreted as condescending and a put down. In the end, such a statement leaves little room for discussion since it doesn’t acknowledge the other person’s viewpoint, even if we don’t like it. Nor does it suggest alternatives to consider that break the stalemate.

What responses – other than ones like “give me a break” – opens up, rather than closes, a conflict conversation?

Being accommodating is a conflict management style that is sometimes appropriate for the person and circumstance. There are other times though when accommodating translates into appeasing, yielding, giving up and compromising what is important to us.  In many cases when we choose to accommodate we later experience regret, a loss of self-esteem and self-respect, and we end up resenting the other person.

How will you accommodate someone else’s needs in a situation – when it appears appropriate to do so – without giving up on yourself?

Being conflict intelligent is, among other things, about engaging effectively in conflict. It is not about avoiding, or being right, or getting our way. Rather, conflict intelligent people are humble, compassionate, and strive to listen and understand what is causing the discord. Being conflict intelligent is also about identifying differences, mending relationships, and forgiving. Conflict intelligence may be learned.

What do you have to learn – to be more conflict intelligent?

Some of us can be downright mean when we are in conflict. We say hurtful things and then afterwards, think the other person should just let it go and forgive our conduct. We might even make excuses we think are easily understandable and not take responsibility for our words or action.

What is the point of being mean if you tend to be so?

It sometimes happens in a conflict that we get in our own way of making it a positive experience. We don’t consider that sharing what is important to us both will bring to the surface the sorts of things that will lead to a mutually acceptable and respectful solution.

How are you getting in the way of a conflict having a hopeful settlement?