Since experiencing high emotions in conflict usually affects our ability to think clearly, we may attribute negative motives that are not based in reality. At these times it can be challenging to respond reflectively rather than react ineffectively. Being thoughtful in conflict has at least two sides then – using our brains to think out what is happening and using our compassion to think out where the other person is coming from.

How might you be thoughtful in both ways in a conflict you are or were experiencing?

Getting defensive when in conflict is an important signal – whether it is us or the other person. When we or the other person react defensively to something said or done we or they are defending something meaningful. We may, for instance, perceive a value, or need, or aspect of our identity is being undermined.

What are you and the other person defending in a conflict that is happening (or happened)?

One of the reactions to being in conflict is to freeze. It’s a state of feeling blocked and immobilized – unable to think or respond. We may also freeze by turning emotionally cold toward the other person. As a result of either reaction, our ability to engage effectively in conflict is also frozen.

What does it take for you to defrost when in conflict, to effectively respond to the other person?

When some of us are in conflict – or even before and afterwards – we tend to complain about the other person and the things they said or did. While we might feel totally justified with our plaints, we may also sound righteous, blameful and annoying. Not everyone who listens to us particularly enjoys, or necessarily cares, to hear us vent. They may call it whining.

How might you vent what stresses you about a conflict in a way that doesn’t sound like whining?

Interpersonal conflict affects us in many ways – one way being that the emotions that are activated get in our way of thinking clearly, creative problem-solving, and decision-making. Initially emotions propel high energy to assert and defend ourselves. Then, they drain that energy – leaving us depleted and often despairing.

How might you be in conflict in a way that raises your energy in constructive ways?