Interpersonal conflict implies that we are on opposite sides of a matter. However, it is just as feasible that we are on the same page. That is, with some careful thought it is likely that collaborative efforts yield mutually acceptable results. They may not be exactly what we want but they  are often not as disparate as they seemed when the conflict first emerged.

What mutually acceptable resolution of a conflict will satisfy you  – even if it’s not perfect?

Mick Jagger’s lyric “you can’t always get what you want” may just be a motto about resolving conflict. The following words of this song – “but if you try real hard you just may find you get what you need” are a reminder that underneath the expressed ‘want’ is something that reflects the unexpressed ‘need’. We are not always aware that what sometimes exacerbates conflict is that we need something from the other person that she or he is not delivering on. For instance, we may need more love, respect, attention, thoughtfulness, consideration, compassion and so on.

What do you need from the other person that she or he is not delivering on?

Many of us tend to avoid facing the other person about matters that are creating discord. It takes courage, in some situations, to step up and listen patiently to the other person’s viewpoints, fault-finding, and upset while remaining patient and open and non-judgemental.

What does it take for you to step up to conflict with courage?

Conflict is inevitable and pretending it doesn’t exist is not only denial. It is also an unrealistic view. That is, there is nothing to be gained by denying the existence of conflict and lots to be gained from accepting it is part of our lives. The sooner we figure out how to maximize the positive effects of conflict, the better.

What are you denying about a conflict that’s not helping you and the other person reconcile your differences?

Using creative to qualify the word conflict does not resonate for many. It is challenging to be creative when our brains are on high alert due to challenges we often experience when in conflict. We may for instance perceive threats to our values, needs, or identity. At these times, our ability to engage constructively is compromised. It doesn’t mean though that we are unable to step back from the conflict and draw on our inner creative resources.

How may you approach a current conflict with creative ideas for resolution?