Interpersonal conflict disrupts inner peace and peace in our relationships. We lose connection and the sense that things will be okay despite our differences. It can be disheartening and disappointing and fear-provoking to feel disconnected. Waiting till a conflict is ostensibly over is sometimes too late to extend peace-making gestures.
What peace-making gestures before a conflict evolves may have a more meaningful impact?
When in conflict we often ask questions that serve no useful purpose. Some examples are: Why did you do that? What’s wrong with you? Who do you think you are? I don’t know what answers we actually expect the other person to provide, and more often than not, our questions are rhetorical, blameful and hurtful.
What questions might you ask that more effectively invite answers to help you understand the situation and other person?
Remember the phrase ‘say what you mean and mean what you say’? The thing is, sometimes things slip out and we realize we let our impulses take over. Other times we say something that is misinterpreted and we didn’t mean any harm. In either case, we can easily hurt others and be hurt with ‘mean-ness’, and the conflict becomes one of explaining ourselves while not always acknowledging the impact.
How may you mean what you say in a conflict without being mean?
We may think that the best way to support friends in conflict is to agree with their viewpoints, help them justify their counterproductive reactions, and badmouth the other person too. However, many of us do not find this form of support helpful when we are suffering and struggling in the aftermath of broken relationships.
What sort of support do you find most meaningful from a good friend when you are in conflict?
Each of our conflicts weaves a tapestry of people, situations and experiences that build our habits. We shroud ongoing disputes with this tapestry. However, we do not always realize that there is a tapestry that covers our inner souls too and maybe, deep down we want to remake the garment to better fit our values and needs, and try to align our inner and outer selves.
If you were to weave a new conflict tapestry what swatches will you ensure are consistent internally and externally?
