In some conflicts we rise to the occasion when differences arise between us and others  – by strongly asserting our views or using mean and hurtful techniques. In others we may more passively express what is important to us. There are many other techniques we employ – in between – that reflect what we consider appropriate, depending on the other person, the stakes and what we want as an outcome. In many cases we lose track of who we need to be to effectively engage in the conflict.

What way of being will reflect the person you want to be in a current conflict?

Conflict with some people can lead us to consider whether the relationship is worth salvaging. That is, at times we realize our differences in values, expectations and needs are so vast and the schism too huge to bridge. At other times we realize the relationship is too important and saving it is paramount despite its challenges.

What is worth saving about a relationship with someone you are in conflict with?

What sometimes leads to conflict is saying “no” to something. What also leads to conflict is not saying “no”. In either case, at least one of us feels some sort of resentment when the word “no” comes up in an interaction, and as a consequence it feels like a “no-win” position to be in. And yet, when we say “no” to something, we are saying “yes” to something else.

What are saying “yes” to when you are saying “no” to the other person about something?

When we think about it, there are times we find fault with the other person for things we do. We may attribute motives that are not theirs to own. We may criticize behaviours and characteristics we demonstrate. It just may be, at these times, that we are projecting our stuff onto them.

In what ways are you blaming the other person – with whom you are in a conflict – for things you are doing?