One of the things that often leads to and perpetuates interpersonal conflict is making assumptions about the other person and her or his intent. Such attributions are usually full of blame and they become increasingly negative the more we experience the behaviour we deem offensive. However, the thing about assumptions is that they are not necessarily truisms.
What assumptions are you making about another person and their intent that are not based on something you know to be absolutely true?
When we think about it, there are times we find fault with the other person for things we do. We may attribute motives that are not theirs to own. We may criticize behaviours and characteristics we demonstrate. It just may be, at these times, that we are projecting our stuff onto them.
In what ways are you blaming the other person – with whom you are in a conflict – for things you are doing?
Sometimes in conflict we determine the other person’s perspective as ‘nonsense’. Perhaps, it isn’t ‘nonsense’. That is, something that seems to be ‘nonsense’ to us likely makes sense to the other person. Asking for clarity on her or his point of view and ensuring the other person understands our viewpoint might make more sense. Or, trying to put ourselves in the other person’s shoes may help before we ask.
If you put yourself in the other person’s shoes about what occurred between you in a recent conflict, what makes sense to you that didn’t before?
Call me an idealist but I wonder sometimes if the word proflict (as it applies to interpersonal conflict) was used rather than conflict if we would see our arguments, fights, etc. as more positive. From wherever the negative connotations of conflict derived it has been perpetrated over time, and many of us have fears and challenges with the idea of viewing conflict as an opportunity to have conciliatory and normal conversation to resolve our differences. Power, a need to be right and win, and strongly held views and emotions appear to be some of the factors militating against this perspective.
How might you approach a conflict in positive ways?
Sometimes we use an expression like “clearing the air” to describe actions after a conflict which are aimed at removing lingering tension. The phrase is an interesting visual and one that requires mutual agreement about what clear air will look like, be like and feel like between us.
What will clearing the air be like for you and the other person about a lingering conflict?
