Many of us are able to identify the types of behaviours, actions, attitudes, etc. that lead to conflict. However, the root of why certain ‘hot buttons’ provoke us is not always clear. As a consequence, we lack the wherewithal to cool them. Discovering what incites us and why is pivotal to becoming conflict intelligent.
What is very important to you that feels undermined or threatened or challenged when you find yourself becoming hot in a situation you have in mind?
One way some of us assert ourselves and our viewpoints is to put the other person down. We may, for instance, demean their actions, their character, their rationale and so on. Doing so does not elevate us to a powerful stature over the other or make our perspective superior. Demeaning usually achieves the opposite impact and doesn’t facilitate a positive outcome if one is wanted.
Rather than using demeaning techniques, if you do, what ways of interacting are likely more helpful for the outcome you want?
Whether or not we directly communicate to the other person when in conflict (or before or after it is evolving), it is usual that our bodies are conveying messages. The exact emotions and thoughts may not be directly expressed. However, they are often interpreted (rightly or wrongly) and attributions made based on observations alone.
What emotions and words are you not expressing about a conflict (but which are likely being interpreted, in any case)?
At times the other person in our conflicts might try to make amends and we feel resistant. It may be because we need more than she or he says by way of apologizing. Or, it may be too long after the conflict, or it may be whatever connection we had has been lost in time. These and other reasons may keep us from forgiving and letting go.
When someone wants to make amends with you, what more do you want than an apology?
Conflict can bring out the worst in us. We may get caught up in the negative dynamics and lose track of what we are fighting for and why. At these times we might step out of ourselves and observe in us someone and some ways of interacting we despise in others.
What persona do you take on that you don’t like about others when you lose track of yourself in a conflict?
