At times when someone offends us our negative reactions may be because we perceive our view of ourselves is being undermined. Sometimes though we may not realize the impact has to do with how we see ourselves and want to be perceived.

When you think about a time you experienced a verbal attack on how you see yourself and want to be perceived, what aspect of your being was affected?

It’s one thing to clarify the changes we want to make about how we manage conflict. It’s another thing to identify our inner strengths and resources required to work towards the changes and sustain them.

What inner strength and resources do you know you have to change your conflict habits?

Not everyone believes we are able to change our conflict habits (see Developing New Conflict Habits). However, “shift happens” when we commit, practice and are motivated to be more conflict intelligent. One of the starting points is to identify a habit that is not working well, along with a goal of what conduct would replace it.

What conflict habit do you want to shift and what will be different when shift happens?

The thing about perceptions is that we usually come to believe them as true. This is especially the case when the same sorts of actions of others are repeated and continue to annoy us. Our perceptions, often fuelled by assumptions, become increasingly real to us so that it’s hard to change our thinking and feeling about the situation and the person in it.

In what ways may your perceptions about another person not be the reality?

Some of us prefer to let a conflict take its course. This might translate into not doing anything about it as it emerges, but rather waiting for it to defuse. Sometimes this seems to work better than other times, especially when unresolved issues and emotions linger.

What has doing nothing achieved in a conflict you have experienced?