The taste of the combined alloy of bitter and sweet commonly accompanies interpersonal disputes. There are bitter elements when the distaste we have caused or experienced upsets us indefinitely. The sweet elements include when we gain an understanding we didn’t have and reconcile our differences. Sometimes we let the aftertaste of the bitter parts overwhelm the sweet in ways that preclude inner and outer reconciliation.

What makes the bitter part of a conflict you are currently (or recently) in harder to digest than the sweet part?

We may think it’s an innocuous part of conflict to vent to others about what happened. However, it can be destructive when venting really amounts to criticizing the other person. Doing so might satisfy some part of us that feels vindicated when we do so, or meet some other need we have such as justifying our own actions.

What does badmouthing the other person achieve in a conflict you have had?

At times when someone offends us our negative reactions may be because we perceive our view of ourselves is being undermined. Sometimes though we may not realize the impact has to do with how we see ourselves and want to be perceived.

When you think about a time you experienced a verbal attack on how you see yourself and want to be perceived, what aspect of your being was affected?

It’s one thing to clarify the changes we want to make about how we manage conflict. It’s another thing to identify our inner strengths and resources required to work towards the changes and sustain them.

What inner strength and resources do you know you have to change your conflict habits?

Not everyone believes we are able to change our conflict habits (see Developing New Conflict Habits). However, “shift happens” when we commit, practice and are motivated to be more conflict intelligent. One of the starting points is to identify a habit that is not working well, along with a goal of what conduct would replace it.

What conflict habit do you want to shift and what will be different when shift happens?