Sometimes we walk away from a conflict with our heads bowed with shame, embarrassment and guilt. Other times, we hold our heads high with dignity, strength and self-respect. While others are a mixture of responses that reflect the complexities we experience.

How do you want to hold your head after a conflict you are in?

As we develop our conflict styles over the years, we also tend to create narratives about our interactions. The scripts we write for ourselves typically suit us by, for instance, playing down our role if it’s not so great. This means we usually know – at least in the aftermath – in what ways we have acted that don’t portray the person we prefer to be.

What do you want the script to read about your part in a conflict you are currently having?

We often talk about walking in the other person’s shoes as a way of understanding where they are coming from and gaining empathy along the way. It’s one of those pat phrases that seems to make sense. Think about it though. Other peoples’ shoes may be too big or small for us; they may only have 1 foot; their feet may turn in or out in ways that cause discomfort for those who step into them; and so on.

How might we understand where the other person is coming from even when their shoes don’t fit us?

Imagine a huge beautifully coloured fabric covering your conflict. Or, think of an enormous umbrella keeping you and the other person safe from a storm. Or perhaps, visualize a treehouse sitting high up in a person-made oak tree overlooking a calm ocean, where you both can share your perspectives respectfully and peacefully.

What picture may you paint about your conflict that will make its resolution more peaceful and a joint effort?