It sometimes happens that after a conflict is ostensibly over, we pretend everything is alright. And yet, we continue to feel upset, resentment, despair and other negative by-products of unresolved issues and emotions. We may act as though things are reconciled and figure that eventually it will all pass. The remnants, however, often reappear in different forms.

What are you pretending to be resolved about a conflict that is not?

Being in a conflict with another person often immerses us in complex dynamics. There are many layers including our individual and collective histories, our needs, our hopes, our expectations, our emotions and so on. Stepping back is both a physical and figurative description for gaining some distance. Doing so often helps us also gain perspective and to cool down.

If you step back from a conflict you are in, what will you see that you are not able to view close up?

Making up after a conflict can be as phony or beautiful as facial make up depending on the person and situation. Sometimes it covers what’s underneath; sometimes it makes unattractive pretty; and other times it makes pretty unattractive.

How might you ensure making up is authentic regarding a conflict you have had?

Sometimes we walk away from a conflict with our heads bowed with shame, embarrassment and guilt. Other times, we hold our heads high with dignity, strength and self-respect. While others are a mixture of responses that reflect the complexities we experience.

How do you want to hold your head after a conflict you are in?

As we develop our conflict styles over the years, we also tend to create narratives about our interactions. The scripts we write for ourselves typically suit us by, for instance, playing down our role if it’s not so great. This means we usually know – at least in the aftermath – in what ways we have acted that don’t portray the person we prefer to be.

What do you want the script to read about your part in a conflict you are currently having?