Gossip is undoubtedly a universal activity and one that has been historically considered an aid to social bonding. It’s often through gossip that we learn about each other, possibly leading to the realization that we share common backgrounds, values, beliefs and interests that may provide a sense of belonging and friendship.

Gossip in organizations may also inform employees what sort of behaviour is acceptable and unacceptable, and learning news from the office ‘grapevine’ often avoids being blindsided. That is, gossip may help prepare staff to constructively engage in discussions regarding upcoming announcements that have an impact on them.

Having considered several positive outcomes of gossip, it is necessary to also consider how this practice is frequently destructive and leads to conflict. That is, gossip is commonly an exaggeration or fabrication about a person and situation. Those who engage in gossip might, for instance, paint a picture of others that taints their personal and professional lives. It can tarnish careers, personal relationships and reputations. It can embarrass, cause shame and demean people who have no way of defending themselves.

The motivation of those who initiate gossip of this nature is not always evident. Is it to be part of the group? Is it to feel better by putting others down? Is it due to mean-spiritedness? Is it due to jealousy? Only the gossiper knows the reason – and not always consciously. However, even when we participate in the discussion that others initiate, we are complicit and essentially, condone the ‘bad-mouthing’. When conflict emerges, as a consequence, we can be seen as part of the problem.

If you tend to be a gossiper, or regularly engage in gossip that undermines others (whether or not you initiate it), please consider the following questions. It helps to start by bringing to mind a situation in which you initiated a story about a co-worker (or boss, or friend, or family member), or you were told about a situation and participated in a discussion about it.

• What is the story?
• What role did you play? ___ Initiator ____ Participator (check which)
• What part (parts) of the story do you know for sure is (are) absolutely true? What part (parts) do you know is (are) absolutely not true, as far as you are aware?
• What part or parts are you unsure about its truth?
• If you shared the story in the first place (initiator), what motivated you to do so?
• What purpose did you achieve by sharing the gossip?
• If you participated in an ongoing discussion about the story (by asking questions and discussing the situation in detail – and not negating it or shutting it down), what motivated you to do so?
• As the person hearing the gossip, what did you want to say that you didn’t? What stopped you from saying that?
• What sorts of conflicts are you aware of that unfolded as a result of initiating the story or participating in it?
• In the end, what benefits were gained from the gossip? What are you specifically realizing is the downside of gossip that you hadn’t before?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

It is often the case that when some of us are engaged in an interpersonal conflict we self-blame to an extent that is debilitating and unproductive. For instance, we might take on more responsibility about what happened than is ours to own; we might continually replay the situation over in our heads with a negative frame regarding our part; we may ‘let the other person off the hook’ and give in against our wishes; we may lose sleep, feel constantly tense and otherwise experience physical and emotional reactions.

When we excessively self-blame about our interpersonal conflicts, doing so can take its toll in these and other ways. This often results in the situation and dynamic growing out of proportion. While accepting that we usually contribute to our interpersonal disputes in some ways, continuous fault-finding with ourselves seems to be a futile exercise.

If you tend to spend a lot of time in self-blame, it is helpful to consider why and how, and to find tools to be better to yourself so that you don’t miss ways of managing the situation more effectively. Similarly, it helps to find ways to support yourself and your needs, including what skills are required to engage in disputes without, for instance, losing self-esteem and confidence – and giving in to avoid the dissension.

I suggest you think of a situation in which you blamed yourself excessively, when answering the following series of questions.

• What is the situation?
• What are the things for which you are excessively blaming yourself? Why these things in particular?
• What is your inner dialogue specifically saying?
• If you are sharing your self-blame with others (friends, family), what are you telling them that is different from your self-talk, if anything?
• How else are you experiencing self-blame, i.e. emotionally, physically, etc.?
• What purpose does self-blame serve?
• How would you say you are not being good to yourself about the conflict? Why is that?
• How might you be better to yourself when in conflict?
• What are you learning about self-blame so far, having answered these questions? How might that have a positive impact on how you approach future conflicts?
• What skills do you need to help you be good to yourself when in conflict?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

How many times – after an interpersonal conflict has occurred – have you said to yourself, “I wish I had said that” or “I wish I hadn’t said that”? It’s the sort of recrimination that stays with us and we can metaphorically kick ourselves about it – indefinitely. However, these sorts of regrets do not necessarily change our reactions the next time we are faced with the same person or type of situation. Rather, we often repeat patterns and proceed to get ourselves wrapped up in the same self-blame cycle.

It’s not easy to revisit our conflicts with the intention of figuring out how to change habits that have become entrenched over time. Though our repeated reactions may be ones we and others do not like about us, apologies and forgiveness have a way of assuaging some (but not all of) them. We then move on, with a sense that things are mended. However, the person(s) on the receiving end may reach a saturation point – often getting to that point before we face the fact that it’s no longer tolerable, forgivable, or just plain ‘okay’ to regurgitate time-worn antics.

If you want to begin to change a way of reacting that you have repeatedly apologized for (due to repeating a pattern of interacting that is not effective), here are some questions that will hopefully help the change process. I suggest you bring to mind actions, words, an attitude and so on that you demonstrate when in conflict and you know others don’t like about you – and that you don’t like about yourself – as you reflect on the following questions:

• What do you repeatedly say or do when in conflict that you would like to change (giving also an example of a situation when this last occurred)?
• What don’t you like about yourself when you said, did or acted like that (your answer to the previous question)?
• What was going on in your head and heart as you said or did that in the situation you are revisiting here? What are you aware of that triggered your reaction?
• What typically happens for you – internally – when you say, do or act the way you describe that occurred in this scenario? What reactions do you commonly hear from the other person?
• In the same situation, what did you want to happen that didn’t? What did happen that has regretfully stayed with you?
• Why do you suppose you repeat the words, actions, etc. such as those you described in this situation – even though you realize you later regret them?
• If you were to stop repeating the words, actions, etc. you don’t like, what would you replace it/them with that might be more effective?
• By doing so (your answer to the previous question), what may you achieve for yourself? For the other person?
• As you revisit the conflict considered here, what is occurring to you about ways your answers apply to other conflicts? What variables may be different when it comes to other conflicts?
• Having revisited a conflict and your reaction, what do you intend to do differently the next time you are faced with a similar situation?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?