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Stirring Things Up

Posted on April 12, 2016 by Cinnie Noble

The phrase “stirring things up” has a number of definitions and, when it comes to conflict, we typically interpret it to mean getting someone upset or angry, i.e. to cause trouble.

Recently on the Conflict Coaching Guild on LinkedIn I asked members “If you have observed or experienced some people who seem purposeful about ‘stirring things up’ to create interpersonal conflict, why do you suppose they do so?”

I was curious about any experiences or observations with others who intentionally instigate conflict. The answers were very interesting and ranged from someone’s habit due to insecurity or upbringing, a way to get attention and evoke a response, to gain distance, to avoid the other person gaining distance, to have some sort of connection or conversation and so on.

If you tend to stir things up from time to time, or are aware of others who do, the following set of questions might open up some thoughts to consider about this phenomenon.

  • If the situation represented a pot of stew, what ingredient did you stir in?
  • What outcome did you want? What outcome did you achieve by stirring things up?
  • What compelled you to stir things up this way?
  • When you think of one situation in which you stirred things up, what did you say or do?
  • How did that (your answer to the previous question) taste to you?
  • If the other person described the taste for her or him, what might that description sound like?
  • If you have been on the receiving end of someone stirring things up for you, what happened?
  • What ingredient did she or he put in the stew pot? What ingredient do you wish she or he had put in the stew pot instead?
  • When things settle after they have been stirred up, either as the person who did so or as someone on the receiving end, what is that like for you?
  • What has this blog and its questions stirred up in your thinking?
  • What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
  • What insights do you have?
Posted in Conflict Coaching, Conflict Management Coaching, Metaphors | Leave a comment

Giving Up Hope

Posted on April 5, 2016 by Cinnie Noble

One of my favourite quotes about forgiveness – in reference to situations of long ago – is by Lily Tomlin. It goes: “Forgiveness is giving up all hope of a better past”. There’s something profound, for me, about the idea of allowing ourselves to be hopeless about a conflictual situation or relationship that we continue to agonize about. Somehow replacing hopefulness with hopelessness strikes me as a more real place to be as time lapses and misery lingers.

Acknowledging that past disputes cannot be changed invites us to be relieved of the past anguish rather than reliving it. The reality is that for some of us no longer ruminating may not really be what we want.

In truth, it isn’t easy to forgive others for emotional pain we experience from some conflicts and put them behind us. This is often the case for the situations we had high hopes of resolving. However, I like the idea of honouring ourselves as fully capable of putting the past behind us and not letting the memories continue to define the present and future.

If you have a past conflict that you are holding onto – still hoping the situation and/or relationship could be resolved and mended – the following questions might be helpful.

  • What is the situation about that you are holding onto?
  • What is your hope with respect to that situation?
  • How might you rate the reality of that hope happening (your answer to the previous question), on a scale of 1-10, 10 being very realistic?
  • How is your lingering hope in that situation defining you in relation to the other person?
  • If you imagined not having that hope any longer, what would that feel like?
  • If you replaced the hopelessness with hopefulness for something else, what would you hope for instead?
  • What better future do you imagine for yourself without the weight of the past situation?
  • What does that feel like (your answer to the previous question)?
  • How would the better future you described previously have an impact on the other person? On your relationship with her or him?
  • What positive learning do you have from the past situation that will help you going forward?
  • What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
  • What insights do you have?
Posted in Conflict Coaching, Conflict Management Coaching, Forgiving, Resilience | 2 Comments

“You Get On My Nerves”

Posted on March 29, 2016 by Cinnie Noble

“Nerves” anatomically refer to the cordlike bundles of fibers that are made up of neurons through which sensory stimuli and motor impulses pass between the brain or other parts of the central nervous system. They form a network of pathways for conducting information throughout the body. Idiomatically – when we are annoyed by something another person says or does – we might use an expression such as “he gets on my nerves with his constant interruptions”. Or, we may refer to a nerve as a sore point or sensitive subject, i.e. “her reminder of my mistake touches a nerve”.

What strikes me about the definition above, and particularly the part about pathways that conduct information throughout the body, is how becoming and being provoked is experienced within our beings in so many ways. We have physical reactions – our stomachs may turn, our blood pressure may go up, our faces might get red, our jaws may clench and so on. We also have emotional and cognitive reactions to how we are experiencing behaviours that irritate us.

If you are saying “you get on my nerves” to someone or are just thinking that, the questions for this week’s blog might be a helpful way to reflect on what your nerves are telling you.

  • What is the other person doing that is getting on your nerves?
  • How might you describe what getting on your nerves means for you in this instance?
  • How else are you experiencing this impact that you have not mentioned yet (physically, emotionally, cognitively)?
  • What is the underlying message you perceive from the other person’s actions, words, etc. that explains why they are getting on your nerves?
  • What may be motivating the other person to say or do what is provoking you?
  • What might the person need from you that she or he is not receiving? What do you need from her or him?
  • What might you say to the other person to help get her or him off your nerves?
  • What could you do to your nerves to better manage your reaction?
  • If you are able to diffuse the situation between you and the other person, what would happen to the nerves that had been effected?
  • Where are your nerves at now, having thought about this situation?
  • What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
  • What insights do you have?
Posted in Conflict Coaching, Conflict Management Coaching | Leave a comment

Control and Conflict

Posted on March 22, 2016 by Cinnie Noble

One of the reasons some of us shy away from engaging in interpersonal conflict is that we fear being out of control, or that the other person may become out of control. What that means varies from person to person. Examples may include becoming loud and overbearing or physically aggressive, or even walking away. Insisting and persisting until the other person is worn down, or acting singularly on the mutual problem without regard for the other’s needs, are other examples and there are more.

It is easy to see why experiencing conflict in any of these ways or the fear of these sorts of things happening can lead to avoidance as a conflict style. It also accounts for why (if on the receiving end of such behaviour) it leads many of us to give in – to not try to assert ourselves and our needs. By yielding though, we hand over our power and control to the other person. In other words, when we perceive the other person is out of control we hand over ours. So essentially being out of control equates to being in control.

If you tend to hand over control in some conflicts, consider the following questions and see how they may help you navigate your way more effectively through such situations.

  • When you consider a conflict scenario in which you yielded to someone whom you perceived was in control, in what way(s) did you give up your control?
  • In what way(s) was she or he in control? In what way(s) was she or he out of control?
  • What was it about the facts of the situation that resulted in you giving up your control?
  • What specifically was it about the way the other person was interacting that contributed to your reaction?
  • How might you describe the ways you yielded or gave over control in that scenario? How else may you describe your reaction besides yielding or giving over control?
  • What also happened to you emotionally or otherwise when you did so?
  • What consistencies are there between this situation and others when you have given up control? What consistencies might there be about to whom you are likely to give up control?
  • When you do not yield to the other person in conflict, what mostly distinguishes those situations from the ones when you do?
  • What else, besides control, do you think the other person gains when you give up yours?
  • When is it a positive decision to give up control?
  • What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
  • What insights do you have?
Posted in Conflict Coaching, Conflict Management Coaching, Control, Emotions in Conflict | Leave a comment

Hurts in Conflict

Posted on March 15, 2016 by Cinnie Noble

One of the reasons many of us have an aversion to conflict is because it has the potential for hurts – ours and others. In fact, it seems to be where our mind goes first when the possibility of a conflict looms – to the possibility of being hurt or hurting – and to the possibility the relationship will also suffer.

It takes self-awareness, courage and the desire to have authentic connections with others to initiate conversations that we believe may have an adverse impact on the other person and the relationship. Similarly, it takes these ingredients to receive and respond to others’ messages that hurt us. The serious consideration to make, however, is that the accumulation of hurtful interactions that are not raised undoubtedly take their toll in ways that stand to cause undue inner hurt.

Over time, the ties that bind us to people in our lives can wither without the honesty that conflict can engender (as counterintuitive as that may seem). We stand to lose the closeness, caring, respect and intimacy that comes with sharing what is important to us and hearing what is important to the other person, even if it surprises, disappoints and hurts. The relationship can otherwise end up being superficial – lacking in the depth of understanding and truthfulness that builds enduring relationships.

If you are afraid of raising an issue because you fear hurting the relationship and the other person, consider these reflective questions.

  • What is the situation?
  • What are you wondering about saying or doing that you believe may hurt the other person?
  • In what ways might the relationship be hurt if you say or do that (your answer to the previous question)?
  • What does hurt mean in this context?
  • In what ways may not saying or doing what you are thinking hurt the relationship?
  • How might not saying or doing what you have in mind be hurtful for you?
  • In what ways might saying or doing the hurtful comment(s) or deed(s) ultimately be helpful to the other person? To you?
  • What are the positive intentions behind the comment(s) and deed(s) you are considering? What is (or are) your need(s) under those intentions?
  • How might the potentially hurtful comment(s) or deed(s) be framed in a way that is or are consistent with your positive intentions?
  • What request may you make of the other person that reflects your intentions and needs?
  • What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
  • What insights do you have?
Posted in Conflict Coaching, Conflict Management Coaching, Emotions in Conflict | 2 Comments