It is often the case that when some of us are engaged in an interpersonal conflict we self-blame to an extent that is debilitating and unproductive. For instance, we might take on more responsibility about what happened than is ours to own; we might continually replay the situation over in our heads with a negative frame regarding our part; we may ‘let the other person off the hook’ and give in against our wishes; we may lose sleep, feel constantly tense and otherwise experience physical and emotional reactions.

When we excessively self-blame about our interpersonal conflicts, doing so can take its toll in these and other ways. This often results in the situation and dynamic growing out of proportion. While accepting that we usually contribute to our interpersonal disputes in some ways, continuous fault-finding with ourselves seems to be a futile exercise.

If you tend to spend a lot of time in self-blame, it is helpful to consider why and how, and to find tools to be better to yourself so that you don’t miss ways of managing the situation more effectively. Similarly, it helps to find ways to support yourself and your needs, including what skills are required to engage in disputes without, for instance, losing self-esteem and confidence – and giving in to avoid the dissension.

I suggest you think of a situation in which you blamed yourself excessively, when answering the following series of questions.

• What is the situation?
• What are the things for which you are excessively blaming yourself? Why these things in particular?
• What is your inner dialogue specifically saying?
• If you are sharing your self-blame with others (friends, family), what are you telling them that is different from your self-talk, if anything?
• How else are you experiencing self-blame, i.e. emotionally, physically, etc.?
• What purpose does self-blame serve?
• How would you say you are not being good to yourself about the conflict? Why is that?
• How might you be better to yourself when in conflict?
• What are you learning about self-blame so far, having answered these questions? How might that have a positive impact on how you approach future conflicts?
• What skills do you need to help you be good to yourself when in conflict?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

How many times – after an interpersonal conflict has occurred – have you said to yourself, “I wish I had said that” or “I wish I hadn’t said that”? It’s the sort of recrimination that stays with us and we can metaphorically kick ourselves about it – indefinitely. However, these sorts of regrets do not necessarily change our reactions the next time we are faced with the same person or type of situation. Rather, we often repeat patterns and proceed to get ourselves wrapped up in the same self-blame cycle.

It’s not easy to revisit our conflicts with the intention of figuring out how to change habits that have become entrenched over time. Though our repeated reactions may be ones we and others do not like about us, apologies and forgiveness have a way of assuaging some (but not all of) them. We then move on, with a sense that things are mended. However, the person(s) on the receiving end may reach a saturation point – often getting to that point before we face the fact that it’s no longer tolerable, forgivable, or just plain ‘okay’ to regurgitate time-worn antics.

If you want to begin to change a way of reacting that you have repeatedly apologized for (due to repeating a pattern of interacting that is not effective), here are some questions that will hopefully help the change process. I suggest you bring to mind actions, words, an attitude and so on that you demonstrate when in conflict and you know others don’t like about you – and that you don’t like about yourself – as you reflect on the following questions:

• What do you repeatedly say or do when in conflict that you would like to change (giving also an example of a situation when this last occurred)?
• What don’t you like about yourself when you said, did or acted like that (your answer to the previous question)?
• What was going on in your head and heart as you said or did that in the situation you are revisiting here? What are you aware of that triggered your reaction?
• What typically happens for you – internally – when you say, do or act the way you describe that occurred in this scenario? What reactions do you commonly hear from the other person?
• In the same situation, what did you want to happen that didn’t? What did happen that has regretfully stayed with you?
• Why do you suppose you repeat the words, actions, etc. such as those you described in this situation – even though you realize you later regret them?
• If you were to stop repeating the words, actions, etc. you don’t like, what would you replace it/them with that might be more effective?
• By doing so (your answer to the previous question), what may you achieve for yourself? For the other person?
• As you revisit the conflict considered here, what is occurring to you about ways your answers apply to other conflicts? What variables may be different when it comes to other conflicts?
• Having revisited a conflict and your reaction, what do you intend to do differently the next time you are faced with a similar situation?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

It might seem strange to use the words ‘grateful’ and ‘conflict’ in the same sentence. However, when it comes to interpersonal conflicts there is reason to consider what actually engenders or could engender feelings of thankfulness.

You may be asking in a mystified way, “Like what?”

It is often the case that what the other person defends in anger during a conflict reflects an issue that is very important to them and there is something to be learned by hearing what that is about. We may discover a value or belief she or he has that is meaningful and relevant to the conflict. It may be something she or he needs from us that is significant to consider. Maybe we discover a sensibility that explains what is driving the related emotions. These insights work both ways and what we hear ourselves defend is important for our own self-awareness and for the other person’s increased understanding of us.

Any of these awarenesses about ourselves – or the other person – is something to be grateful for. This is for a number of reasons, including that ultimately, if the relationship is ongoing, we and those with whom we have conflicts can greatly benefit from learning and understanding more about each other. These are just a few reasons to be grateful for some conflicts.

The following series of questions are best answered when you bring to mind an interpersonal dispute you are currently involved in about which feeling grateful may not have occurred to you.

• What is the situation? What is most important to you about the conflict?
• Why is that important to you (your answer to the previous question)?
• What do you think is most important to the other person about the situation?
• Why do you suppose that is (your answer to the previous question)?
• What emotions are you experiencing about this incident? What, if anything, is unclear to you about why those emotions have surfaced?
• What values, beliefs and/or needs do you perceive are being undermined?
• What emotions are you aware of that the other person is experiencing? What values, beliefs and/or needs might she or he perceive you are undermining? What else may be driving the emotions in her or him?
• What are you learning so far, as you think this out, that reflects some things for you to be grateful for regarding the conflict and/or the other person? What (else) would you like to feel grateful for regarding the conflict and the other person?
• What difference do you think it makes if you feel a sense of gratefulness about the conflict and the other person?
• What might the other person be grateful to know about you and the conflict? What difference might that make for her or him? For you?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

It sometimes happens when conflict is evident – that we avoid facing it and so, we manage the dynamic indirectly. This may be by dropping hints, making veiled comments, being sarcastic and other ways. Such responses to conflict may well have an underlying intention and hope to bring the situation to the surface – not necessarily to avoid it. In any case, this approach may be referred to as “beating around the bush”, which has an interesting (and frightening) derivation.

According to http://www.brownielocks.com/wordorigins.html, this expression “comes from boar hunting in which the noblemen hired workers to walk through the woods beating the branches and making noises to get the animals to run towards the hunters.  Boars were dangerous animals with razor-sharp teeth (you really did not want to meet one-to-one, esp. with no weapon).  So the unarmed workers avoided the dense undergrowth where the boar might be and beat around it, rather than going into it.  Thus, this evasive technique was termed ‘beating around the bush’”.

If this expression reflects your way of managing a current conflict, the following questions might be helpful in unpacking the tendency. Feel free to use the past tense about a previous dispute, if preferred. In either case, I suggest you start by bringing to mind a situation in which you realize you are or were inclined to use evading techniques.

• What is the situation about?
• What evading technique(s) are you using?
• What is happening as a result of using that technique (your answer to the previous question)?
• What do you want to have happen that may not because you are evading the conflict that way?
• When you consider the metaphor more closely, what does the “bush” represent in your conflict?
• Taking the metaphor further, in what ways are you being a “nobleman” or “unarmed worker”?
• What other technique(s) might be more effective?
• What do you suppose keeps you from being direct rather than evasive?
• If you haven’t said so yet, what are the fears you are experiencing about the conflict? About the other person?
• What are the possible opportunities you are missing by “beating around the bush”?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?