Sometimes we say “I’m sorry” immediately after realizing we offended another person. It sort of slips out almost in the same sentence as the statement or deed that hurt someone. What happens for many is that such a quick apology doesn’t help to rectify anything.

On the receiving end of someone’s offending statement or deed, what else would work for you rather than a quick “sorry”?

A ‘hot button’ for some of us is when people act aloof – defined by the Conflict Dynamics Profile as “people who isolate themselves, do not seek input from others or are hard to approach”. When this happens we may also attribute other characteristics to people we perceive this way. This includes that they are arrogant, uncaring, snobby and so on. One reaction is to become aloof too – mirroring the very behaviour we do not like. See also Projecting Our Stuff.

In what ways do you reflect the very same ‘hot button’ that irritates you?

Sometimes people who strive to become more conflict intelligent ask something to the effect: “What happens if I change and manage conflict effectively, but the other person still wants to battle it out like we used to?”

How might you manage such a situation if this happens for you?

We often think of being in conflict as a situation in which we and another person are at odds. However, we may be provoked by the other person and not let her or him know. We are still in conflict – forming attributions, experiencing discord, and other internal thoughts and feelings that affect us and the relationship.

If you are experiencing internal conflict with someone, what choices do you have to manage that situation in a conflict intelligent way?

We alone are responsible for how we interact. We own our reactions, our judgments, our emotions, our expectations and our hopes. Sometimes though, we respond in ways that reflect instead our denial or refusal to accept our contribution.

How are you contributing to a conflict that you are not owning?