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Control and Conflict

Posted on March 22, 2016 by Cinnie Noble

One of the reasons some of us shy away from engaging in interpersonal conflict is that we fear being out of control, or that the other person may become out of control. What that means varies from person to person. Examples may include becoming loud and overbearing or physically aggressive, or even walking away. Insisting and persisting until the other person is worn down, or acting singularly on the mutual problem without regard for the other’s needs, are other examples and there are more.

It is easy to see why experiencing conflict in any of these ways or the fear of these sorts of things happening can lead to avoidance as a conflict style. It also accounts for why (if on the receiving end of such behaviour) it leads many of us to give in – to not try to assert ourselves and our needs. By yielding though, we hand over our power and control to the other person. In other words, when we perceive the other person is out of control we hand over ours. So essentially being out of control equates to being in control.

If you tend to hand over control in some conflicts, consider the following questions and see how they may help you navigate your way more effectively through such situations.

  • When you consider a conflict scenario in which you yielded to someone whom you perceived was in control, in what way(s) did you give up your control?
  • In what way(s) was she or he in control? In what way(s) was she or he out of control?
  • What was it about the facts of the situation that resulted in you giving up your control?
  • What specifically was it about the way the other person was interacting that contributed to your reaction?
  • How might you describe the ways you yielded or gave over control in that scenario? How else may you describe your reaction besides yielding or giving over control?
  • What also happened to you emotionally or otherwise when you did so?
  • What consistencies are there between this situation and others when you have given up control? What consistencies might there be about to whom you are likely to give up control?
  • When you do not yield to the other person in conflict, what mostly distinguishes those situations from the ones when you do?
  • What else, besides control, do you think the other person gains when you give up yours?
  • When is it a positive decision to give up control?
  • What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
  • What insights do you have?
Posted in Conflict Coaching, Conflict Management Coaching, Control, Emotions in Conflict | Leave a comment

Hurts in Conflict

Posted on March 15, 2016 by Cinnie Noble

One of the reasons many of us have an aversion to conflict is because it has the potential for hurts – ours and others. In fact, it seems to be where our mind goes first when the possibility of a conflict looms – to the possibility of being hurt or hurting – and to the possibility the relationship will also suffer.

It takes self-awareness, courage and the desire to have authentic connections with others to initiate conversations that we believe may have an adverse impact on the other person and the relationship. Similarly, it takes these ingredients to receive and respond to others’ messages that hurt us. The serious consideration to make, however, is that the accumulation of hurtful interactions that are not raised undoubtedly take their toll in ways that stand to cause undue inner hurt.

Over time, the ties that bind us to people in our lives can wither without the honesty that conflict can engender (as counterintuitive as that may seem). We stand to lose the closeness, caring, respect and intimacy that comes with sharing what is important to us and hearing what is important to the other person, even if it surprises, disappoints and hurts. The relationship can otherwise end up being superficial – lacking in the depth of understanding and truthfulness that builds enduring relationships.

If you are afraid of raising an issue because you fear hurting the relationship and the other person, consider these reflective questions.

  • What is the situation?
  • What are you wondering about saying or doing that you believe may hurt the other person?
  • In what ways might the relationship be hurt if you say or do that (your answer to the previous question)?
  • What does hurt mean in this context?
  • In what ways may not saying or doing what you are thinking hurt the relationship?
  • How might not saying or doing what you have in mind be hurtful for you?
  • In what ways might saying or doing the hurtful comment(s) or deed(s) ultimately be helpful to the other person? To you?
  • What are the positive intentions behind the comment(s) and deed(s) you are considering? What is (or are) your need(s) under those intentions?
  • How might the potentially hurtful comment(s) or deed(s) be framed in a way that is or are consistent with your positive intentions?
  • What request may you make of the other person that reflects your intentions and needs?
  • What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
  • What insights do you have?
Posted in Conflict Coaching, Conflict Management Coaching, Emotions in Conflict | 2 Comments

Jouska: An “Odd” Conflict-Related Emotion

Posted on March 8, 2016 by Cinnie Noble

In an article entitled “10 Odd Emotions You May Have Experienced” in Psychology Today (June 27, 2015), reference was made to an “odd” emotion termed “jouska”. It’s one that often emerges in conflict situations and is described as follows:

“This is a hypothetical conversation that you play out over and over in your head. For example, replaying an argument in your head where you say all the right things and “win” the argument, or practicing asking your boss for a raise and playing out his or her responses and your comebacks.”

It seems to me that this “emotion” is common (not so “odd”) when anticipating a conflict conversation and also, after one. The tendency to demonstrate “jouska” – in either case – reflects different ways we might react to conflict. That is, on the one hand we regret what we said and how we did so – replaying the discussion to include what we wished we had successfully conveyed. On the other hand, the second part of the definition of “jouska”, as noted, refers to being intentional in preparing for a potential conflict, including what we expect the other person may say in response and our reactions to each comment.

Considering the two explanations of this phrase, the consistent element appears to be that the dialogues are hypothetical. Though both have a sense of being self-preserving, the first explanation appears to be self-deceiving.

When answering this week’s blog, I suggest you bring to mind a situation in which you are doing the former – replaying the scenario with what you wish you had said.

  • What is the conflict situation?
  • What did you actually say or do? What emotions drove your reaction?
  • What did you wish you had said or done?
  • What difference may it have made if you said or did that (your answer to the previous question)?
  • What do you suppose stopped you from saying or doing that?
  • What is motivating you to state, i.e. to others or yourself, something you didn’t actually say or do?
  • What regrets do you have about the situation?
  • What is there to be learned from the situation and your reaction?
  • What makes that an important lesson (your answer to the previous question)?
  • What ways might you ensure you apply the learning the next time you are in a conflict?
  • What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
  • What insights do you have?
Posted in Conflict Coaching, Conflict Management Coaching, Emotions in Conflict | 6 Comments

Up Against a Wall

Posted on March 1, 2016 by Cinnie Noble

Sometimes, when involved in an interpersonal conflict, we find ourselves “up against a wall”. This expression means we feel we have no choice about an issue, except to give in, or that we feel stuck about how to manage things. One definition (from Dictionary.com) of this metaphor is: “in a crucial or critical position, especially one in which defeat or failure seems imminent”.

Such situations are very challenging and this idiom paints a picture of something stronger and bigger than us getting in our way of proceeding.

If you have a conflict situation in which you are feeling “up against a wall”, consider the following questions for this week’s blog and how you might help diminish the wall’s power.

  • What is the dispute about?
  • What is the wall that you are experiencing?
  • What makes that wall especially challenging?
  • What might the wall reflect in a metaphorical sense (such as what does it represent, i.e. an emotion, wish, fear, expectation, value, etc.)?
  • With what may you be holding up the metaphorical wall – contributing to its existence?
  • How else may you be supporting the wall?
  • What do you think it would take for you to knock over the wall? What all would that entail?
  • What’s the worst case scenario you can imagine if you knocked over the wall?
  • What is the best case scenario if you knocked over the wall?
  • What learning here likely applies to other situations in which you perceive yourself to be “up against a wall”?
  • What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
  • What insights do you have?
Posted in Conflict Coaching, Conflict Management Coaching, Metaphors | Leave a comment

Gossip and Conflict

Posted on February 23, 2016 by Cinnie Noble

Gossip is undoubtedly a universal activity and one that has been historically considered an aid to social bonding. It’s often through gossip that we learn about each other, possibly leading to the realization that we share common backgrounds, values, beliefs and interests that may provide a sense of belonging and friendship.

Gossip in organizations may also inform employees what sort of behaviour is acceptable and unacceptable, and learning news from the office ‘grapevine’ often avoids being blindsided. That is, gossip may help prepare staff to constructively engage in discussions regarding upcoming announcements that have an impact on them.

Having considered several positive outcomes of gossip, it is necessary to also consider how this practice is frequently destructive and leads to conflict. That is, gossip is commonly an exaggeration or fabrication about a person and situation. Those who engage in gossip might, for instance, paint a picture of others that taints their personal and professional lives. It can tarnish careers, personal relationships and reputations. It can embarrass, cause shame and demean people who have no way of defending themselves.

The motivation of those who initiate gossip of this nature is not always evident. Is it to be part of the group? Is it to feel better by putting others down? Is it due to mean-spiritedness? Is it due to jealousy? Only the gossiper knows the reason – and not always consciously. However, even when we participate in the discussion that others initiate, we are complicit and essentially, condone the ‘bad-mouthing’. When conflict emerges, as a consequence, we can be seen as part of the problem.

If you tend to be a gossiper, or regularly engage in gossip that undermines others (whether or not you initiate it), please consider the following questions. It helps to start by bringing to mind a situation in which you initiated a story about a co-worker (or boss, or friend, or family member), or you were told about a situation and participated in a discussion about it.

  • What is the story?
  • What role did you play? ___ Initiator ____ Participator (check which)
  • What part (parts) of the story do you know for sure is (are) absolutely true? What part (parts) do you know is (are) absolutely not true, as far as you are aware?
  • What part or parts are you unsure about its truth?
  • If you shared the story in the first place (initiator), what motivated you to do so?
  • What purpose did you achieve by sharing the gossip?
  • If you participated in an ongoing discussion about the story (by asking questions and discussing the situation in detail – and not negating it or shutting it down), what motivated you to do so?
  • As the person hearing the gossip, what did you want to say that you didn’t? What stopped you from saying that?
  • What sorts of conflicts are you aware of that unfolded as a result of initiating the story or participating in it?
  • In the end, what benefits were gained from the gossip? What are you specifically realizing is the downside of gossip that you hadn’t before?
  • What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
  • What insights do you have?
Posted in Conflict Coaching, Conflict Management Coaching | Leave a comment