The expression “to lose our temper” refers to various angry reactions to conflict. Our voices might go up; our faces might contort or become red; we might speak quickly and with expletives; we might rant and rave; and we might otherwise respond in ways that demonstrate our temper is rising and we feel out of control of our emotions.

It’s times like this we say “I lost my temper” (or someone says that to or about us by observation). In either case, it’s not the optimal time to engage in conciliatory conversations because that’s clearly not the state of mind we are in. Rather, it’s a time to step back and gain some distance – to reduce the hotness of the temper and regain our cool.

If you bring to mind a time you lost your temper to answer the following questions, it will hopefully help to deconstruct what you lost.

• How do you describe your usual temperament?
• What is the situation in which you lost your temper?
• In what ways did you feel you lost your temper such that it was obvious you were not in your usual temperament?
• If you were able to observe yourself, what were the facial and bodily signs you were losing your temper?
• What resulted in you losing your temper?
• What did you ‘lose’ when you lost your temper?
• What impact did that (your answer to the previous question) have on the conflict?
• What was the impact on the other person? How did she or he respond to you?
• What do you generally have to do to regain your temper? What did you do in this situation?
• How might you have retained your usual temperament in the situation you described?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

Sometimes, when in conflict, we may react with a resounding “Who cares?” as a way to dismiss the interaction and make it sound unimportant. Such a response might seem to be somewhat of a defence rather than a true proclamation of our perspective on the dynamic and its impact. The question “Who cares?” is reminiscent to me, too, of that oft-used expression from a number of years ago that went something like, “Tell someone who cares”.

It occurs to me that often we care more than we show it or want to, and possibly, the degree to which we are experiencing emotions about the interaction and its effect on us is really quite significant. Maybe, we don’t want to admit how much the conflict hurts or our fear of being hurt trumps admitting it.

When thinking about the times you have asked “Who cares?” in response to a conflict or situation, consider these questions to check out whether it matters, or if you or someone else cares.

• What was happening in the conflict when you said “Who cares?”
• To whom did you say that (to the other person, to a friend, other)?
• What prompted you to ask “Who cares?” at that moment in time?
• What may you actually care about with respect to the dispute that is niggling at some level of consciousness?
• How is your response having an impact on the outcome (that you haven’t referred to yet)?
• What do you care about regarding the other person?
• Who else may care about the outcome of the dispute? Why is that?
• What do you think the other person cares about regarding the conflict between you?
• What might you both care about that you are not mentioning?
• How are you not caring about yourself?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

In the middle of an interpersonal conflict some of us do not feel we are understood, and that may be the case. However, it may also be that we are being understood. That is, the other person may understand our perspective but we don’t actually believe she or he emotionally relates to our experience, viewpoint and needs. This may be why there is a conflict in the first place. Or, such a dynamic might perpetuate the tension and negatively impact the relationship and the outcome.

If you are not feeling understood, check out the questions from this week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog and see if anything shifts in your reflections on this topic.

• What is the conflict about?
• What do you think the other person understands about your perspective?
• What do you think the other person doesn’t understand about your perspective?
• What do you think she or he understands about your feelings regarding the situation?
• What do you think she or he doesn’t understand about your feelings regarding the situation?
• What is most important to you that you want the other person to understand about you?
• What difference will it make if she or he understands that (your answer to the previous question)?
• What would the other person need to say or do for you to feel you are understood?
• If you asked the other person to understand what is most important to you about the conflict between you, what would that sound like?
• If you asked her or him to understand the impact on you, what words would you use?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?