It is said that the origin of the term “pick your battles” probably refers to a “military strategy where it would be a wise thing to pick and choose the battles. Fighting a war simultaneously on more than one front would make it difficult to secure either front. The basic idea being that when the troops are spread out, it is difficult to achieve success. The best way would be to mobilize the forces at a strategic point to ensure success and then move on to deal with the next issue.”

When it comes to our interpersonal conflicts, we often think of this expression to mean, essentially, that not all issues warrant fighting about. That is, it is a matter of discerning what is most important and worthy of our energy and emotion. A relevant quote in this regard is:

“Choose your battles wisely. After all, life isn’t measured by how many times you stood up to fight. It’s not winning battles that makes you happy, but it’s how many times you turned away and chose to look into a better direction. Life is too short to spend it on warring. Fight only the most, most, most important ones, let the rest go.” – C. JoyBell C.

If you are wondering about a conflict and whether to assert your position or back off, here are some questions to consider.

• What is the situation?
• What specifically are you asserting or wanting to assert?
• For what reason is that important to you?
• What is the other person’s position on the issue(s) in dispute?
• What makes that important to her or him, from what you know?
• What do you want the other person to say or do?
• If you didn’t choose to assert your view in this conflict, what do you think would happen?
• What are the consequences of that outcome (your answer to the previous question)? What is positive about those consequences for you? For the other person?
• In what ways is the battle worth fighting for? How is it not worth it?
• What other choices are there about the issues in dispute that might be mutually acceptable?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

The expression “to have a bee in one’s bonnet” has a variety of meanings. One reported origin of this saying dates back to the early 16th century when Alexander Douglas wrote about someone being in bed with a head full of bees. “Going to bed with a head full of bees would seem to describe someone who can’t take his or her mind off something that he or she feels is important. It is speculated that the “bonnet” part of the phrase might have been derived from the large bonnet that a beekeeper wears. Hence, if a beekeeper were to have a bee in his or her bonnet, it would be very difficult for him or her to focus on anything else.”

What is it about getting a bee in the bonnet then, that leads to conflict? Though being totally focussed on an idea, view or thought does not always or necessarily lead to conflict, it can be challenging sometimes to be around someone who holds and repeats her or his position on a matter to the extent that there’s no room for alternative perspectives. There may even be a righteousness or rightness emanating from people who have bees in their bonnets that implies – directly or indirectly – that the other person is wrong. This is when being focused only on one viewpoint is off-putting for others and can lead to positional arguments.

If you tend to get a “bee in your bonnet” or become frustrated with others who do, the following set of questions might be helpful to consider.

• If you have a “bee in your bonnet” about something important to you and you are aware it’s leading to conflict with another person, what are you focusing on?
• Why is that especially important to you (your answer to the previous question)?
• What do you want the other person to understand about what you are focused on that you think she or he doesn’t?
• If you think she or he understands it, what is motivating you to repeat/stress your thoughts, ideas, etc.?
• How do you suppose stressing the “bee in your bonnet” is affecting the other person?
• What sort of conflict is emerging – or has emerged – for you from this?
• How is that (your answer to the previous question) a positive thing? How is it not so positive?
• If you are on the receiving end of someone who has a “bee in her or his bonnet”, what is the impact on you?
• What do you suppose is important to the other person that she or he is repeating and stressing her or his thought or idea? How is this leading to conflict between you?
• What would be a different way to manage the situation, whether you are the person with a “bee in your bonnet” or on the receiving end of someone who is demonstrating that tendency, that steers away from causing unnecessary conflict?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

The phrase “stirring things up” has a number of definitions and, when it comes to conflict, we typically interpret it to mean getting someone upset or angry, i.e. to cause trouble.

Recently on the Conflict Coaching Guild on LinkedIn I asked members “If you have observed or experienced some people who seem purposeful about ‘stirring things up’ to create interpersonal conflict, why do you suppose they do so?”

I was curious about any experiences or observations with others who intentionally instigate conflict. The answers were very interesting and ranged from someone’s habit due to insecurity or upbringing, a way to get attention and evoke a response, to gain distance, to avoid the other person gaining distance, to have some sort of connection or conversation and so on.

If you tend to stir things up from time to time, or are aware of others who do, the following set of questions might open up some thoughts to consider about this phenomenon.

• If the situation represented a pot of stew, what ingredient did you stir in?
• What outcome did you want? What outcome did you achieve by stirring things up?
• What compelled you to stir things up this way?
• When you think of one situation in which you stirred things up, what did you say or do?
• How did that (your answer to the previous question) taste to you?
• If the other person described the taste for her or him, what might that description sound like?
• If you have been on the receiving end of someone stirring things up for you, what happened?
• What ingredient did she or he put in the stew pot? What ingredient do you wish she or he had put in the stew pot instead?
• When things settle after they have been stirred up, either as the person who did so or as someone on the receiving end, what is that like for you?
• What has this blog and its questions stirred up in your thinking?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?