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Forgetting the Conflict

It sometimes seems that it is harder to move past some conflicts by forgetting the parts that had the greatest impact. Why some things linger is, at times, somewhat of a mystery, but one that is worthy of solving in order to increase our resilience and ability to let go of ongoing angst that is likely to emerge again in future conflicts.

The areas that stick with us and that remain unreconciled vary among us and may include words said, tone used, attitude demonstrated, actions taken, insults and accusations made, name-calling and so on. A history of repeated interactions of the same nature that might be considered in the mix can have an even larger impact as the repeated offenses grow and get added to the heavier baggage we then carry around.

There is no necessity to forget all things we experience in our conflicts. After all, they help build knowledge and wisdom about what we will and will not tolerate and also, the extent to which others honour our differences – using good faith and not bad will. However, continually feeling negativity about the other persons in our disputes – and ourselves in relation to them – can contribute to a number of destructive side effects such as reduced confidence, self-esteem, and belief in ourselves and our views, to name a few downsides.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to reflect on something you are not forgetting about a dispute.

  • What was the dispute about?
  • What specifically are you not forgetting?
  • What more specifically is it about that/those things (your answer to the previous question) that you are not forgetting?
  • Why do you want to forget it/them, if you do?
  • If you don’t want to forget it/them, why is that?
  • What lesson(s) did you learn from this dispute that are worth holding onto?
  • What would happen if you forgot the thing(s) that you have referred to?
  • What do you gain from not forgetting? What do you lose?
  • What might be staying with the other person about you that she or he is not forgetting?
  • On a scale of 1-10, how much do you want to let go of the things staying with you (10 is very much, 1 is not at all)? What informs your answer here?
  • What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
  • What insights do you have?

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