When it comes to our interpersonal relations and the inevitability of conflict, there are times we reach saturation points. These are such things as engaging in repeated arguments over the same issues, the same attitude that provokes us, and mannerisms that annoy and even embarrass us in front of others. Further, we might become fed up with what we experience as the apparent lack of understanding about why certain things are so important to us, or the other person’s constant need to be right or refusal to see our point of view. The sense that our concerns are minimal compared to the other person may be off-putting to the point of saturation as well.

The reality is we demonstrate all sorts of behaviours and actions that irritate those we regularly interact with and they annoy us too, and sometimes we reach the point of saying “I’ve had enough!” (See also Tolerations and Conflict) In fact, there are ongoing provocations that lead to the end of relationships when enough really is enough.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to consider the sentiment “I’ve had enough!” when it comes to ongoing interpersonal conflicts with someone. This could be a partner, spouse, sibling, parent, colleague, boss, co-worker, service worker and so on.

To answer this week’s questions, please consider some specific action, behaviour, attitude, etc. of this person that provokes you to the point that you have said or could easily say “I’ve had enough!”

• How do you describe the action, behaviour, attitude, etc. that you have had enough of?
• What does it mean to you to say “I’ve had enough!”?
• How have you let the person know her or his behaviour, etc. is intolerable for you, i.e. what do you say/do?
• How has she or he defended herself or himself?
• What have you tried to see if she or he may cease that which annoys you? What have you not tried (or if you have not yet thought of anything, what are some possibilities)?
• What would you advise a good friend in the same circumstance?
• When someone has let you know they’ve had enough of something about you, what has she or he said or done?
• How has the other person’s response to you (your answer to the above question) helped the relationship? Not helped the relationship?
• How have you defended your actions, behaviours, etc.?
• How is enough is enough a positive outcome in each of these situations? How is it not?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

When I was researching for my book Conflict Management Coaching: The CINERGY Model, many people in the study groups didn’t like the use of the word “stories” to describe their conflict situations. They would say that the use of that word makes it sound like they are fabricating what occurred – that they are not being truthful.

Despite resistance to this notion, the reality is that when many of us share what happened in a dispute, our version is not always what we and the other person said. That is, our recollections are not always fully accurate. For instance, we may leave out things we said and how we acted or sounded; we may add what we wished we had said; and we may attribute words, tones and attitudes to the other person that they don’t necessarily own.

This week’s blog is about storytelling – truths and untruths. To answer these questions, consider a dispute that is currently happening in your life.

• What is the dispute about?
• What may you be leaving out about what happened?
• Why did you leave out that part?
• What, if anything, did you actually not say despite what you just conveyed as part of your situation?
• What need does it fulfil for you to leave out or embellish the conflict story?
• What would the other person say she or he does not really own of what you conveyed about her or his contribution?
• What compelled you to convey that part?
• What do you wish you had said? Why is that?
• What emotion(s) emerge for you when you talk about conflict this way?
• What are some unsaid truths that arise as you consider your answers to this week’s questions?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

During my coach training many years ago, the instructor talked about a concept called ‘tolerations’ and how they affect our moods, energy, attitude and so on. Essentially, tolerations may be defined as things we put up with. Sometimes tolerations sound like ‘to do’ lists, such as unfinished chores. Other times it’s others’ behaviours and attitudes that we do not condone, much less address.

As a conflict specialist, I apply this idea to the sorts of dynamics that we are tolerating – that irritate us – and about which our patience and ability to manage them are diminishing. Conflict looms and fear or other reasons preclude us doing something to lessen our angst.

Think, for instance, of someone’s attitude that is always negative and it wears you down. You may have tried to talk to this person – or not – but the reality is you may feel yourself pulling away, increasingly developing a negative mindset around and about them and so on. Or, think about a friend who is always late and you are fed up – finding yourself getting crankier each time. You have the picture, right? I’m referring to the types of actions, words, attitudes, etc. that wear us down, zap our energy and that we put up with against our better judgment and sometimes, even our values.

In my work, it’s common for my clients to report that when they feel no longer able to tolerate someone’s behaviour, the more likely they are to react and say things they regret. It’s evident as they talk – and this is my experience too – that a build up of all sorts of other tolerations also contribute to the tipping point. At these times, attempts at conversations with the person provoking us are full of high tension and emotions, making it more difficult to express ourselves without creating unnecessary conflict.

Whether it’s avoidance, or thinking we can deal with the situation, or some other variables that keep us from ‘nipping the irritations in the bud’, the build up – also due sometimes to the impact of tolerating too much else in our lives – is often detrimental to the relationship.

This week’s blog invites you to consider your tolerations and one that resulted in a conflict.

• To begin with, what sorts of attitudes, behaviours, actions and so on are you tolerating in others and don’t really want to?
• Considering a specific interpersonal conflict, what do you think you are or were tolerating with that person that resulted in the dissension?
• What, if anything, did you say during the conflict that resulted between you about this (these) toleration(s)?
• What do you suppose took you a while to let the other person know how you felt?
• If you had told the person about her or his behaviour before the conflict, how did she or he react?
• What do you think motivated her or him to continue to do the things you had identified?
• What, if anything, did the other person share that reflected one or more tolerations that she or he is putting up with about you?
• Why do you suppose the other person didn’t tell you sooner?
• If she or he had previously told you what irritated her or him about you, why did you persist?
• What do you wish the other person said or did differently in the conflict, as to have had a better impact on you? What do you wish you had said, in your scenario, that may have had a more positive impact?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?