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Understanding Why We Blame

Posted on August 16, 2011 by Cinnie Noble

Let’s face it, we sometimes spend needless time in blame mode about our interpersonal disputes. Just think of all the energy we put out! I’m not always sure what compels blame. Are we trying to take attention away from our wrong-doing? Are we thinking it will make things better if we blame? Or, that we will feel better? Do we want to make things worse? Blaming can be impulsive and we don’t always realize that we have choices about how we react. That is, unless we are getting something out of blaming, which itself is an important question to ask ourselves, we have the ability to change a tendency to blame.

It’s true that people say and do awful and hurtful things that are not worthy of our forgiveness and are downright mean, obnoxious, rude and irreparable. Other things we may blow out of proportion. Since blaming doesn’t make things better, it helps to think about what is going on for us at these times and remove ourselves from the negativity. Here are some reflective questions that may shed a light on a tendency to blame. You may want to consider a situation when you found yourself stuck in blame when you answer them.

  • What was it about the other person’s words or behaviour that you were blaming him or her for?
  • What did you need from the other person that he or she wasn’t delivering on?
  • What impact did blaming have on you?
  • What impact did blaming have on the other person?
  • What do you believe about the other person that may have contributed to your feelings of blame in this situation?
  • If you told the other person exactly what you are/were feeling about what he or she said or did, what words would you use?
  • What was going on for you that you chose blaming as a way to cope with this person or situation?
  • What other choices did you have that may have served you better?
  • What would it take for you to let go of the blame?
  • What theme may there be about when you tend to blame?

What other comments do you have on this topic? Please feel free to add more ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) that may be useful for understanding why we blame.

© CINERGY® Coaching, June 2011

Posted in Blame | 3 Comments

Change & Conflict

Posted on August 9, 2011 by Cinnie Noble

When it comes to the wide range of changes that can occur in our professional and personal lives, anything that shifts the status quo – negative or positive – is known to exacerbate feelings of insecurity, vulnerability and other emotions. At these times, many of us are conscious of why we are anxious. For others, our feelings are at an unconscious or subconscious level. We just feel uncomfortable, upset or off-balance and are not quite sure what is specifically bothering us.

It is often the case that change of any sort, precipitates interpersonal conflicts that may for instance, flow from our related fears and tension. Gaining increased awareness of what is happening for us will help reduce the tendency to resist it to our detriment or let the related emotions overwhelm us and contribute to the eruption of unnecessary conflict. Here are some questions that may help put things into perspective when change is happening or about to happen:

  • What is changing and what about it are you resisting or unsettled about?
  • What does your reaction tell you about what is important to you in this particular situation?
  • How would you describe the emotions you are experiencing at these times?
  • If you haven’t mentioned a fear of some sort, what fear(s) if any, do you have about the change(s)?
  • In what ways may you be taking out your unsettled thoughts and feelings on others?
  • What are your hopes about the changes? What other positive outcomes may the change(s) bring for you?
  • How would you rather be and be seen in times of change?
  • What ways may you manage the change in a way that aligns with this image of yourself?
  • How will those ways reduce your anxiety?
  • What may you need to learn that will help you cope more effectively in your adjustment to change?

Any other comments on this topic of change and conflict or what are other possible ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) you suggest?

© CINERGY® Coaching, June 2011

Posted in Conflict & Change, Conflict Coaching | 1 Comment

Choices About Reacting to Conflict

Posted on August 2, 2011 by Cinnie Noble

Even when we are aware that we aren’t helping matters, many of us still repeat our habitual and unproductive ways of reacting when we are in conflict. Contrary to what some believe, most of us have choices about how we manage conflict. Unless we are intentional about learning new ways of engaging in conflict that work for us and those around us, we will continue to rely on the old ways of managing conflict. We may even realize that what we consider impulsive and out of our control is actually something we are able to manage very well.

If we aim to be more masterful when it comes to conflict, it helps to reflect on a number of things. These include the risks about continuing to rely on habits that are counterproductive and the choices we have to respond more constructively.

The suggested starting point in this endeavour is to acknowledge that we have the wisdom, ability, right, knowledge, skill and courage to select responses that align with our values and intentions. Here are some questions to inspire thinking about alternative reactions:

  • What do you know about yourself and the way you habitually respond to conflict that you would like to change?
  • What may others have told you directly or indirectly about something you habitually do, other than what you have just answered?
  • How have those habits helped you in the past? Not helped you?
  • What other risks are there about continuing these habits?
  • In your last dispute, what was your reaction that was one of your habits that is counterproductive?
  • What could you have said or done differently that would be more in keeping with how you prefer to interact?
  • What do you think kept you from responding that way?
  • What ways of responding to conflict do you admire, that you have observed in others?
  • What is the highest compliment someone could say about how you respond when you are in conflict?
  • What do you want to learn, to be able to respond in ways you prefer when you are in conflict?

What other comments and ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may increase awareness regarding choices about responding when in conflict?

© CINERGY® Coaching, June 2011

Posted in Choice in Conflict, Conflict Management Coaching | 7 Comments

Mutuality in Interpersonal Conflict

Posted on July 26, 2011 by Cinnie Noble

When we are in conflict, our experience of it is not something we are always able to articulate. What is really going on for us, to what we are reacting, what we are attributing to ‘the other person’ and so on are often clouded with our emotional responses. Similarly and probably to an even greater degree, we do not have a full sense about where the other person is coming from. We hear their perspective through a lens that is foggy with our own viewpoints, feelings and confusion. Mutuality in conflict refers to the ability to not only gain a clear understanding on our own perspective on a matter. It also means gaining an understanding of the other person’s, to whatever extent possible.

If we take some time to consider what is happening for ourselves and the other person, there is more likelihood that there will be the sort of connection that helps us both be heard and understood. Please consider a previous dispute that has puzzled you about what was going on between you and the other person as you consider whether these ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) help develop mutuality:

  • How would you describe what you and the other person disagreed upon in that situation? How would the other person describe what you disagreed on?
  • What did the other person say or do that particularly provoked you?
  • What did you say or do that may have stood in the way of the other person being able to hear you and understand you?
  • What did you expect from the other person?
  • What do you think the other person may have expected from you?
  • What don’t you know about the other person’s perspective? What doesn’t the other person know about your perspective on this situation?
  • What would you say you both agree on?
  • What would you do differently if you had it to do over again?
  • What may be threatening, uncomfortable or concerning for you to engage the other person in a conversation to better understand what happened and to make amends if you want to? How about for him or her?
  • If you want things between you to be resolved in a mutually satisfactory way, what would that be and how may you facilitate that?

Please feel free to share any comments about this topic. If you want to add other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) that inspire mutuality please do so.

© CINERGY® Coaching, June 2011

Posted in Conflict Coaching, Conflict Management Coaching | 8 Comments