It has been a long time since I first heard the expression my way or the highway. Within the context I first heard it and ever since, I have interpreted it to mean that if someone doesn’t go along with the other’s view (position, want, need, etc.) she or he might as well just leave or go away. Consistent with this interpretation, Wiktionary suggests my way or the highway means “an ultimatum which indicates the listener(s) will either conform to the desires of the speaker or else be excluded”.

This phrase and its meaning as defined here reflect a competitive approach to conflict that does not lend to collaborative or cooperative resolution of conflict. It is also common for bullies, abrasive bosses, abusive people and others to use a power approach inherent in the expression my way or the highway when insisting things go their way. Though sometimes we feel strongly about certain things and assert ourselves in a manner that may be interpreted as such, there is not much hope for reconciling our differences when either of us do so.

This week’s ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) blog explores my way or the highway as a conflict management response to get what you want or when other people use it for that reason.

• If you have used a my way or the highway approach to a past conflict, what was the situation?
• What was your way that you felt strongly about? Why do you feel strongly about that?
• What did you expect the other person to do by way of compliance?
• What was your expectation about how asserting your way would affect the relationship?
• Where does the highway lead when you tell the other person to take it? Which road do you take?
• What did the other person want as her or his way in the same situation?
• In another scenario when someone else has used this approach – my way or the highway – with you, how has that affected you?
• How has that person’s approach affected the conflict? The relationship?
• Where does the highway lead when you are told to take it?
• When might the approach – my way or the highway – have a positive outcome? Negative outcome?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Recently on the Conflict Coaching Guild on LinkedIn I asked members if they would share idioms, phrases, metaphors and other expressions on conflict that they like. There are many I had not heard of and one of those is the title of today’s blog – never cut what you can untie.

This expression was apparently coined by Joseph Joubert (1754-1824) who was a French moralist and essayist, remembered today largely for his Pensées (Thoughts), which was published posthumously. Apparently, “Joubert published nothing during his lifetime, but he wrote a copious amount of letters and filled sheets of paper and small notebooks with thoughts about the nature of human existence, literature, and other topics, in a poignant, often aphoristic style. After his death his widow entrusted Chateaubriand with these notes, and in 1838, he published a selection entitled, Recueil des pensées de M. Joubert (Collected Thoughts of Mr. Joubert).”

So, what does this phrase – never cut what you can untie – mean? In a series of answers that ask that question online answers range from comparing the expression to “don’t burn your bridges” or “don’t kill a fly with an atom bomb”. One explanation was “if you untie something you can tie it again, but not if it’s cut”.

When I thought about it, I considered all explanations above to be applicable to conflict. I am going to focus on the last one because that visual was strongest for me. I compared the “tie” to the lace of a shoe – representing the tie between another person and myself. If we then engage in accusations and blame we risk severing the tie, the shoe does not fit well then and we become uncomfortable. We may trip over the broken lace. On the other hand, if we untie what is happening between us – by listening and sharing and trying to understand one another – our tie has a better chance of staying intact – keeping the lace strong and our footing solid.

If this analogy resonates for you, here are some ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) to help you reflect on a tie between you and another person that is being challenged due to a conflict.

• How would you describe the tie between you and the other person?
• What is especially important to you about the relationship with her or him?
• What happened that you ended up in conflict? What is the conflict about?
• How did you contribute to the conflict? How did the other person?
• What seems to be cutting into the relationship regarding the conflict between you?
• How might you stop the cut?
• How might you untie things – rather than cut them – to better understand and reconcile your differences?
• What do you need from the other person to keep the relationship intact?
• What may the other person need from you?
• How will you ultimately tie up things regarding this conflict so that you both will be comfortable and supported?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

In a recent blog I spoke about the olive branch as a symbol of peace. Another symbol of peace we often think of is the white flag.

According to Wikipedia: “The white flag is an internationally recognized protective sign of truce or ceasefire, and request for negotiation. It is also used to symbolize surrender, since it is often the weaker party which requests negotiation. A white flag signifies to all that an approaching negotiator is unarmed, with an intent to surrender or a desire to communicate. Persons carrying or waving a white flag are not to be fired upon, nor are they allowed to open fire. The use of the flag to surrender is included in the Hague Conventions of 1899 and 1907.”

We may not literally use a white flag when we want to call a truce in our interpersonal disputes. However, there are various ways we might choose to signal that it is a time to stop arguing and reconcile our differences.

If you have in mind an interpersonal conflict which feels to you that any more arguing is unproductive, this week’s ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) are ones to consider.

• What is the conflict about from your perspective? How might the other person describe what it is about?
• What do you want as a solution to the conflict?
• What does the other person want, as far as you know?
• How is the conflict affecting you? How is it affecting your relationship with the other person?
• How much does that matter (your answer to the last part of the above question) on a scale of 1 to 5, 5 being very much and 1 being not at all?
• How does your rating affect your desire to resolve matters? What else might your rating signify?
• What is motivating you to wave a white flag at this time?
• In your words, how do you describe what the white flag represents in this situation?
• How might the other person interpret the flag that is different from your intent, if that is possible? What will you do to address that different interpretation, if applicable?
• When you think of yourself waving a white flag as you described above, how does that feel? How do you expect to feel if the other person is open to what you intend by waving the white flag?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?