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The Last Word

Posted on September 2, 2014 by Cinnie Noble

When we are in an interpersonal conflict we may find ourselves reacting when the other person tries to have or succeeds at getting the last word. Or, we may be the one who is trying or succeeds in doing so. According to one source, the definition of the phrase the last word includes: “the last thing said in an argument”; “information that everyone considers to be the best”; “the right to make a decision that everyone must obey”; and “the newest and best type of something”.

The general interpretation – when we or others assert ourselves by having the last word – is of someone needing to prove superiority and be right. On the receiving end of assertions of this nature the general feeling is often one of frustration because there is no apparent room for discussion.

Further, when this sort of dynamic occurs the conflict is bound to lack true resolution. The person who has the last word may act as though she or he has “won”, and often antipathy grows in the heart and mind of the other person. It seems at these times that the last word is the first sign of a disconnect in the relationship and indicator of how conflict matters are discussed with one another.

If you tend to want the last word or react negatively to others who do, this week’s ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) blog will hopefully help you consider its impact.

  • When you have been in conflict with another person and she or he wanted or got the last word, what was the nature of the dispute? What did you perceive as the last word the other person asserted?
  • What happened regarding this conflict after the other person got the last word? What happened in your relationship?
  • What was the impact on you when she or he got the last word?
  • What do you wish you had said in response? What stopped you from saying that?
  • If you had the last word in that conflict, what would it be? If you and the other person scripted the last word together how might it read?
  • If you have ever had the last word in another conflict, what compelled you to assert yourself in that situation?
  • What happened regarding that conflict when you got the last word? What happened to the relationship?
  • In what ways might a “first word” be more effective in a conflict than the last word?
  • What difference does it make whether or not you get the last word in a conflict?
  • What lessons are there to be learned about this topic?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

P.S. Incidentally, Wikipedia, in a tongue and cheek way, provides suggestions on why and how to assert the right to the last word (abr. TLW™) over competing editors.

Posted in Conflict Coaching, Reactions | 2 Comments

Olive Branch – A Symbol of Peace

Posted on August 26, 2014 by Cinnie Noble

A friend of mine – I’ll call him Max – recently had a disagreement with his sister, and he was agonizing to me about it and how to mend things. When he was brainstorming how to get her to talk to him Max said, “maybe I ought to go with an olive branch in hand”. I asked him how he thought that would work and he said, “It’s a goodwill gesture – a symbol of peace – and if she throws it back at me I’ll know the timing is wrong!” Max’s use of the expression inspired me to consider its derivation, and together we headed for the internet to discover more about its meaning.

There are many sources regarding the olive branch and they date back to Ancient Greek and Roman mythology and to early Christianity. One reference also states: “The flag of Cyprus and coat of arms of Cyprus both use olive branches as symbols of peace and reflections of the country’s ancient Greek heritage; it also appears on the flag of Eritrea. Olive branches can be found in many police patches and badges across the world to signify peace.”

It is evident from all references I researched that the olive branch continues to represent a symbol of peace and is often used together with a dove (holding the branch). “Even the official seal of the United States shows an eagle holding an olive branch in its right talon.”

So, Max decided to take an olive branch to his sister’s. I am told she smiled at him and a reconciliatory conversation followed. Ah – wouldn’t it be great if all peace talks followed such a ritual?

This week’s ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) blog explores the symbolism of the olive branch as it may apply to a conflict you want to mend – and how presenting one may be used to initiate peace and peaceful communications in your situation.

  • What is the conflict about that you will consider here?
  • What would be a peaceful ending to this matter if you were to discuss with the other person the differences that resulted in the conflict?
  • What might the other person want as a peaceful ending?
  • What would make a conversation peaceful between you two?
  • How might you interact to make it so (considering your response to the last question)?
  • How might introducing the conversation with an olive branch be helpful? What do you not like about this idea of presenting an olive branch?
  • What might the other person like about you presenting an olive branch? What might she or he not like?
  • What other object may represent a symbol of peace to the other person that you could use?
  • What makes that item something that might be meaningful?
  • As you think about this week’s topic and questions, how does presenting some token of peace resonate for you as a way to initiate a conflict conversation?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Conflict Coaching, Conflict Conversations, Peace | 1 Comment

Let Sleeping Dogs Lie

Posted on August 19, 2014 by Cinnie Noble

When it comes to some interpersonal conflicts the expression let sleeping dogs lie may be used to mean “to leave things as they are; especially, to avoid restarting or rekindling an old argument; to leave disagreements in the past”. Certainly a sleeping dog is a lovely sight. But to me so are most dogs who are awake. Presumably the image of this metaphor is meant to conjure up excessive yapping and overly rambunctious canines!

Historically-speaking, the idiom – let sleeping dogs lie – goes back as far as the 14th century according to one resource found in my research. It was recorded in French and literally translated as “Do not wake the dog that sleeps”. Going further back to the Book of Proverbs (26:17) a similar phrase to reads “He that passes by, and meddles with strife belonging not to him, is like one that takes a dog by the ears”. These and other like phrases all denote the same type of message – essentially, do not instigate trouble and leave situations alone lest they cause problems.

It seems to me, not only in my personal life but when providing conflict management coaching to clients, that whether to let sleeping dogs lie arises as a common inner debate. Many of us wonder about raising issues that do not feel resolved for us. Concerns may be that doing so may stir things up, create more conflict, or not really reconcile the issues or relationship. On the other hand, by not waking the sleeping dog we may continue to ruminate and feel unresolved about important things including the relationship with the other person.

This week’s ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) blog invites you to consider a situation in which you are wondering about whether to let sleeping dogs lie.

  • What is the situation?
  • Why specifically are you hesitant about raising this with the other person?
  • What are your biggest fears if you do? How realistic are those fears?
  • What does the sleeping dog represent, if you have not referred to that yet?
  • What opportunities are you missing regarding the conflict if you let the sleeping dog lie?
  • What opportunities is the other person missing if you let the sleeping dog lie?
  • Picture yourself six months from now. What regrets, if any, may you have if you do not raise the matters relating to the situation?
  • What positive result is possible if you imagine waking up the sleeping dog?
  • What might you also be grateful about if you wake up the sleeping dog?
  • How might you awaken the sleeping dog in a conflict-masterful way, if you decide to do so?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Avoiding, Conflict Coaching, Fears, Metaphors | 2 Comments

Upsetting the Applecart

Posted on August 12, 2014 by Cinnie Noble

When we accuse someone of upsetting the applecart we generally think that person is causing trouble and creating difficulties by doing or saying something that challenges the status quo. Of the four variations of the source of the expression that I read about, the most basic and generic derivation refers to farmers in the 1800s who would bring applecarts loaded with neatly piled, fresh apples for sale to market. The story goes that when “a clumsy person” knocked over the cart, it spills all the apples and spoils the farmer’s plan to sell the apples. The phrase subsequently came to mean knocking things off balance – in a situation and relationship.

This idiom came back into my awareness just this past week when a coaching client told me about a situation with his manager. He said, “If she hadn’t upset the applecart by making that policy I’d have a better chance for a promotion – sooner than later!” When I asked the client – I’ll call him Henry – to tell me more about what happened he continued to use the idiom. Henry described himself as the cart rolling along nicely being pushed by his ambition and confidence. He said when his boss changed a policy about the requirements to become a team leader he realized his opportunity to move ahead as quickly as he had hoped was kyboshed.

I asked Henry what the apples in the cart were and he responded, “they were my hopes, my skills, my hard work, and my dedication that toppled out of the cart”. He told me he confronted his boss in his anger (“a career limiting move”) and a conflict ensued. Henry subsequently retained me to “put the apples back in the cart”. I thought this was an interesting way that Henry discussed his interests and needs and I wanted to pass it on to you (with his permission).

This week’s ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) blog invites readers to consider how vivid this idiom is when it comes to an interpersonal conflict you are or were involved in, and you might use this expression.

  • Thinking of a current or past interpersonal conflict, what did the other person say or do that upset the apple cart?
  • What would you say the cart represents?
  • What do the apples represent?
  • What upset you most about this situation? What did her or his actions “spoil”?
  • What did you say or do in response?
  • How did your response help? In what ways might you have contributed to the cart of apples toppling over?
  • How might you put the applecart upright again? (For instance, what would you say or do, and what else would it take to do so?)
  • How would you make sure the apples you referred to in question 2 are back – safely and securely in the cart?
  • How will it feel when things are back in place?
  • What inner resources, experience, or wisdom do you have that will facilitate that (your answer to the previous question)?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Conflict Coaching, Metaphors | Leave a comment

“They” Say Don’t Go To Bed Angry

Posted on August 5, 2014 by Cinnie Noble

Many years ago I had a friend who made fun of certain words and expressions we commonly use. For instance, she would ask who are “they” who make up rules about what is acceptable behaviour or wise advice like, “They say don’t swim after you eat”, or “They say if you tell the truth it becomes a part of your past. If you lie it becomes part of your future”. (I am not attributing these expressions as I am not able to find their derivation. They are time-worn statements I have heard as long as I can remember.)

In any case, these and many more phrases preceded by “they say” abound, and my friend asked one day if there is a place to find who “they” are. We laughed at that notion of how we would locate “them” and what “they” would be like. We wondered what our conversation would be like, if “they” drink coffee, whether “they” would invite us to meet with them again. I could go on.

I was remembering my friend the other day when I heard a conflict management coaching client state another time-worn statement about a dispute he was trying to manage. His words were, “They say it’s not a good idea to go to bed angry”. This and other “they say” statements have some wisdom to them and seem to make sense. But when I asked the client why it is a good idea to not go to bed angry, he said he really didn’t know because he needs some time and space to think things out. After all, “they say to sleep on it” (i.e. conflicts). Right?

There seems to be lots of expressions to be applied to conflict situations and they will undoubtedly be subjects of future ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) blogs. For example, what about the phrases all preceded by “they say” such as: “let sleeping dogs lie”; “don’t add to the problem”; “forgive and forget”; and you likely have more to add (and feel free to do so in the Comments section).

For this week’s ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) blog, the questions invite readers to deconstruct the phrase “they say don’t go to bed angry”.

  • Do you agree with the statement “don’t go to bed angry”?
  • If so, why?
  • If not, why not?
  • Who has made that statement to you, if anyone? Under what circumstances?
  • What made sense about the advice at the time? What didn’t?
  • Who have you made this expression to, if anyone? What made sense about it at the time?
  • What didn’t make sense?
  • As you think about this statement – “don’t go to bed angry” – under what circumstances do you think it applies? When does it not apply?
  • What other conflict-related homilies beginning with “they say” make sense to you? Why?
  • What “they say” expressions about conflict do not make sense to you? Why?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Conflict Coaching | 4 Comments