One thing that keeps us entrenched in our conflicts is remaining focused on what went wrong, what the other person said or did that is affecting us, and an ongoing need to justify our actions. These thoughts and feelings inform the frame we put around what occurred. Re-framing our conflicts is pivotal to managing them from a different mindset.
How might you re-frame a current conflict in a way that is more hopeful, positive and productive?
Sometimes it is hard to give up the fight because we feel so certain about our view. Or, for some reason we just do not want the other person to get her or his way. When this happens we tend to lose track of what we are fighting for and risk that the relationship will fumble along with the issues continuing to be in dispute indefinitely.
What is worth fighting for in a conflict?
When interpersonal conflict is difficult on us we may show we are beleaguered, hurt and let down in various ways. At some undefined point those who see or hear us might say we are wearing our conflict feelings on our sleeves. We may want sympathy, support for our perspective, and other signs that acknowledge the state we are in. Some observers comply and for others it gets old and achieves the opposite effect.
What do you expect from others when you wear your conflict feelings on your sleeve?
When we seem to lack resilience after a conflict, some of the things we agonize about are what we said or did or didn’t say or do. And though we cannot change the past, we reside indefinitely in an unsettled place of regret. It is a waste of time and energy unless we reframe the conflict, learn from it, and move forward. It’s our call.
What do you have to get over about a conflict to reside in a settled place?
Some things that people do and say in conflict are difficult to forgive. Sometimes though, we deny forgiveness to our detriment. Doing so might even become a badge we wear and live by. It may even define us in ways that hurt us – and the other person.
How does denying forgiveness affect who you are?
