Criticism, like many other “isms”, usually offends. It tends to derail constructive communications and can lead to a breakdown in the relationship. Many times what is being criticized doesn’t need to be or sound like a put down at all.
How might your criticism sound if you framed it as a request?
The uncertainty of what could happen by raising a potentially contentious issue adds to the angst we experience about doing so. How we frame the matter and being prepared to respond to possible push back all affect if and whether we initiate a conversation. Being curious about the unknown might, on the other hand, open up the space that leads to understanding.
How might the unknown about a potential conflict increase your curiosity rather than your anxiety about raising your concerns?
Being in conflict can take a lot out of us. Often, in the aftermath, sad and unresolved feelings preoccupy us and linger. We wished we had been kinder, more assertive, or that we were more willing to listen to things that felt hurtful – even when they were meant to be helpful. At these times we don’t always accept the fact that we can’t take back what we said or did. We can, however, embrace the human being we are – the one who sometimes crosses a line and has some learning to do.
What are you embracing about you in the aftermath of a conflict?
Thought it’s often difficult to be quiet and just listen when someone is upset with us, we miss the chance to hear what’s important to her or him. Interrupting, pushing our point, and other such reactions don’t help. It’s not an easy task. It takes patience, dignity and respect to listen to hear and not listen to speak.
How might you strengthen the way you listen?
Many of us rise to conflicts that arise in our lives and put a lot of energy into them. Such interactions however, generally end up depleting us. When that happens we feel a drain on our spirit and willingness to continue to engage with the other person and even others. Reactions such as these are signals that we missed the reflective step of the conflict which belongs in the space and place when we are initially provoked and before we react.
What may you do about being in conflict that ensures your reflections trump your reaction?
