Being in conflict can take a lot out of us. Often, in the aftermath, sad and unresolved feelings preoccupy us and linger. We wished we had been kinder, more assertive, or that we were more willing to listen to things that felt hurtful – even when they were meant to be helpful. At these times we don’t always accept the fact that we can’t take back what we said or did. We can, however, embrace the human being we are  – the one who sometimes crosses a line and has some learning to do.

What are you embracing about you in the aftermath of a conflict?

Thought it’s often difficult to be quiet and just listen when someone is upset with us, we miss the chance to hear what’s important to her or him. Interrupting, pushing our point, and other such reactions don’t help. It’s not an easy task. It takes patience, dignity and respect to listen to hear and not listen to speak.

How might you strengthen the way you listen?

Many of us rise to conflicts that arise in our lives and put a lot of energy into them. Such interactions however, generally end up depleting us. When that happens we feel a drain on our spirit and willingness to continue to engage with the other person and even others. Reactions such as these are signals that we missed the reflective step of the conflict which belongs in the space and place when we are initially provoked and before we react.

What may you do about being in conflict that ensures your reflections trump your reaction?

There are times when we become angry or feel other emotions regarding a conflict that we displace onto other people and situations. That is, we may take out our emotions on another person, or on an unrelated and less poignant issue. Somehow we are reticent to explore what is really upsetting or offending us.

If you are displacing your anger, what is really going on for you that you are reluctant to face?

Often when things provoke us we react without thought. We say hurtful and retaliatory things. And we seem to feel justified in fighting fire with fire. The results are lethal burning for both of us.

With what else may we fight fire that is not lethal?