When we anticipate dissension we often brace ourselves in ways that don’t really help the dynamic. It seems at these times we are on the defensive and even have tunnel vision about our expectations. This often means we remain closed to the positive possibilities that may emerge if we relax into the discord and develop a more positive mindset.
What positive possibilities may emerge from the dissension you are experiencing about a conflict?
When someone objects to our perspective we equate it with rejection. That is, we equate the intent and experience them as one and the same. Maybe, it’s the way the viewpoint is said or it’s our inability to hear the real intent. In either case, another’s objection of our opinion is often experienced as a rejection of us – not our viewpoint.
If someone is objecting to your perspective, what do you know for sure that she or he is also rejecting about you?
Though we don’t always admit it, many of us experience shame when in conflict. We may be embarrassed or ashamed about what we said or did or didn’t say or do. We may also feel shame when the other person lets us know our actions, words and attitude are perceived in ways that do not align with our self-image.
How are you experiencing shame about a conflict?
We sometimes use the expression “getting over a conflict” to refer to being able to put it behind us and move on. The distancing implies we are also above the conflict or past it. In either case, there is a sort of kinesthetic movement inherent in this language and there is a further implication that we may have also been able to get under it.
When you consider a specific conflict you got over, in what ways have you been able to get “under” it?
It can be irritating to listen to people (us included) who speak and act like a “know-it-all”. There is a righteousness and arrogance about it that can lead to and exacerbate a conflict. The tendency to speak like a “know-it-all” though, may come from insecurity and vulnerability and even a sense of powerlessness.
What don’t you know about someone speaking or acting like a know-it-all?
