Though we don’t always admit it, many of us experience shame when in conflict. We may be embarrassed or ashamed about what we said or did or didn’t say or do. We may also feel shame when the other person lets us know our actions, words and attitude are perceived in ways that do not align with our self-image.

How are you experiencing shame about a conflict?

We sometimes use the expression “getting over a conflict” to refer to being able to put it behind us and move on. The distancing implies we are also above the conflict or past it. In either case, there is a sort of kinesthetic movement inherent in this language and there is a further implication that we may have also been able to get under it.

When you consider a specific conflict you got over, in what ways have you been able to get “under” it?

It can be irritating to listen to people (us included) who speak and act like a “know-it-all”. There is a righteousness and arrogance about it that can lead to and exacerbate a conflict. The tendency to speak like a “know-it-all” though, may come from insecurity and vulnerability and even a sense of powerlessness.

What don’t you know about someone speaking or acting like a know-it-all?

Criticism, like many other “isms”, usually offends. It tends to derail constructive communications and can lead to a breakdown in the relationship. Many times what is being criticized doesn’t need to be or sound like a put down at all.

How might your criticism sound if you framed it as a request?

The uncertainty of what could happen by raising a potentially contentious issue adds to the angst we experience about doing so. How we frame the matter and being prepared to respond to possible push back all affect if and whether we initiate a conversation. Being curious about the unknown might, on the other hand, open up the space that leads to understanding.

How might the unknown about a potential conflict increase your curiosity rather than your anxiety about raising your concerns?